03 February, 2008

C'est un autre rat d'amour

Cheating footballers are like STDs; when one flares up there’s always a heap more just waiting to be uncovered. This time there’s no surprise though because the perpetrator’s French. Sorry that was below the belt, but on reflection, also fair.

Yes, Chelsea’s new “super” signing and professional sulk Nicola ‘it’s not a girl’s name because I’m over 6 foot tall and black’ Anelka has been caught playing fast and loose behind the back of his ridiculously hot Belgian wife Barbara Tausia. It gets worse though, because it has been today revealed that he actually texted his secret mistress, shopgirl Natalie Merriman, on his wedding day. If you thought that was bad then actually take a look at Merriman, who claims to be aged 24 (5 years ago maybe love); plainer than vanilla and with a front-teeth gap you could park an Aston Martin between:

If I had Tausia waiting for me at my mansion, I certainly wouldn’t be out trawling for bland-faced slags. Merriman, obviously playing the innocent party in the whole incident, had these words for the News of the World today: “Nico's a fantastic lover with an amazing body. We often had sex four times a night and he bombarded me with dirty text messages…I didn't know he was engaged and I was really falling for him. But when I found out he'd actually got married, and had even texted me that day, I realised he's just another typical lying, cheating footballer.” She went on further to praise his “gymnastic tongue,” but then lamented how he’d claimed he wasn’t married by saying it was his brother who had just wed.

The start of their relationship in March 2007 was pure Hollywood romance, as Anelka first set eyes on Merriman when he asked her to help him pick out some jeans in Selfridges at Manchester’s Trafford Centre. Having handed over her phone number because he was so good-looking, Merriman was amazed to find out he was a professional footballer, for Bolton Wanderers no less. The flirting started almost instantly and Merriman was powerless in the face of such a strong French accent, snogging him by the escalators the next time he appeared at Selfridges. “He was a really good kisser and it gave me butterflies,” she reportedly swooned at the time to gal pals. Things continued as they always do and before long Merriman found herself legs akimbo in his luxury apartment, situated in the glamorous Salford Quays district.

“When he took his pants off I was surprised to see he shaved down there – but it did feel nicer when we had sex,” she recalls. “He was really gentle and considerate, and keen to show off his oral sex talent. I've got to say he was better at it than any other guy I've been with. We had sex four times over about six hours and didn't get to sleep until about 4am.”

Clearly not a stranger to the ways of the woman, Anelka told her that night she was “the best he'd ever had,” and when they weren’t together he liked to bombard her with pictures of his beaver cleaver.

Things changed however for the doe-eyed Merriman as two months later, when Anelka had told her he was holidaying with friends, pictures appeared in the tabloid press of his wedding in Morocco. With the rug pulled from under her, Merriman suddenly realised the danger of punching above your weight in relationships and “felt so used” by the French striker. Today she emotionally said: “I feel so sorry for Nico's wife. He's made a fool of her – and me. And I've absolutely no doubt he'll cheat on her again.”

This didn’t stop her texting him congratulations recently over his dream move to Chelsea however, and it is his reply below that made the papers this weekend:

This was followed quickly by another saying: “U were naughty so u made me naughty as well thats y it was good,” then subversively adding that he wanted her: “2 use (her) lips and (her) tongue.”

These revelations come in the same week that team-mate Ashley Cole has been ousted for cheating on the honey-snatched Cheryl Tweedy, and Jermaine Defoe is back on the brink of self-pleasure after walking tit-wank Danielle Lloyd discovered he’d be seeing an absolute behemoth behind her back for as long as they’ve been together. Just why do footballers do it? With thousands of braindead page 3 girls and reality TV whores out there just waiting for a quick jump, how come so many bits on the side are paper bag jobs from down the local supermarket? A cheap thrill’s a cheap thrill, but surely there isn’t actually a point where you get so bored of sleeping with attractive women that you have to revert back to chubby-chasing??