28 February, 2008

Wazza and the Axe Murderers

As anyone with any experience will tell you, learning to play the guitar can be pretty frustrating, but as with everything else, is also ultimately all the more rewarding when you finally do master it. Don’t tell that to Wayne Rooney however, as after just a couple of months of weekly music lessons, the Manchester United star has decided it’s far too difficult and has cancelled any desire to pursue it.

Rooney apparently struggled with the basics of the instrument, moaning to United team-mates that he couldn’t handle getting his fingers in the right places for all the chords, and also that he surprisingly found reading music to be just a touch outside his intellectual comfort zone. The England forward revealed to The Sun: “I’ve been trying to learn to play the guitar but it’s doing my head in. It’s really hard!” Alas dear readership, this is a sad day for a British music scene that has long been waiting for it’s next stage of evolution, and had pinned so many hopes on Rooney revitalizing it. Good news however for Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page though; they will undoubtedly be breathing a collective sigh of relief now that Rooney’s prodigal talent has been curbed, and their place in the history books is once again secured.

This comes just months after his “style icon” fiancée Coleen splashed out thousands of pounds on a red Gibson guitar for his 22nd birthday, and even went to the trouble of sending it to legendary Oasis star Noel Gallagher for a birthday message. Not exactly the sharpest tool in the box however, Coleen failed to realize that not only does Noel generally hate most people from Liverpool, but he also supports the other Manchester based team, City. Ever the joker therefore, Noel secretly had the guitar spray painted sky-blue in City’s colours and instead of the masturbatory message Coleen was expecting, Gallagher instead simply wrote “Happy Birthday Fatboy” in black magic marker all over the expensive gift. Suffice to say, Wayne was a little confused when he opened the gift, but Gary Neville was on hand to point out the gag-orchestrater, as he himself had been on the end of the same joke in 2000!

So what next then for the music-obsessed striker? Well, he has supposedly set his sights on a new instrument to master, and one that is perhaps more closely aligned with his other main hobby of ‘hitting stuff.’ Yes that’s right, Rooney is now learning the drums, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have absolutely no desire to ever see or hear him play them. Ever.