31 October, 2007

Streaking in Russia takes Dedication. But Streaking Everwhere All The Time Takes Cojones

Everyone knows that Russia is very cold in winter. Apart from these brave ladies, who decided to brave the sub-zero temperatures to get a bit close and personal with their fave footballists.

Go to English Russia for greater number pictures. Is nice!

Even though these girls are wearing what appear to be scary masks, as well as tights, scarves and pants, their brazen cheek is still appreciated here. Still, they have a long way to go before they contemplate breathing the same air as the world's greatest streaker - Mark Roberts.

Mark has streaked at countless football matches, including 'el Classico'. You will know his pasty backside from events such as Wimbledon and the Master's snooker, but he's sadly no relation that blonde one who streaked past Ronnie O'Sullivan recently. STT witnessed his crazy naked running about antics at Wembley Stadium this weekend and we applaud a man who can do this many pressups:

Legend. He has been dubbed 'superbowel' after a similar performance, but we all know that nickname would be more appropriate for Spurs players after a particularly tepid lasagne.

The Secret of Cesc’s Success

Tongue-twisting titles aside, a recent quote from the mini midfield maestro has revealed that there may be hope for all fast-food fatties yet. When recently asked how he likes to relax, Senor Fabregas responded with the following verbals, suggesting that not all footballers are nutrient-shake-drinking, calorie-dodging ladies after all:

"Sometimes on a day off I go to the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop. When we play at home, I go there after the game and it's like a doughnut party! Everyone is eating doughnuts inside their cars - it's like a disco!"

No doubt Homer Simpson would be proud of his influence, but one has to fear a little for the Arsenal man’s social life if this Doughnut Disco excites him as much as it appears to. Sure Krispy Kreme’s are pretty banging on a Saturday night, but please Cesc, for the love of God, take advantage of your money and fame already and start sleeping with strippers!

30 October, 2007

John Arne Riise Needs To Gets Payed

In the bin man's grubby hand shown above is John Arne Riise's pay remittance, most likely from the red club in Liverpool. What can be concluded from this is that Riise lives in a house with a number, not a name and may be spending his lovely lolly on vice, rather than bricks and mortar. A googlemaps satellite image disproves this assumption and shows Cedar Close to be positively palatial.

click image to enlarge

Using cunning and guile, STT decided to follow suit and root around in Riise's bins. This is what was found:

1) A Viking helmet with big pointy horns
2) Ginger hair clippings, all mixed up with lint
3) Peter Crouch's fax machine
4) The skull of a vanquished foe, which has been poorly converted into a chalice
5) A right foot

6) A full Liverpool kit

29 October, 2007

Gameweek 11 – ‘Access Granted’

Happy Monday everyone, and as ever it’s good to be back in the office. Without the distractions of any other sports, I’m pleased to say that football is well and truly back on menu around the country. This weekend saw the much-hyped dramatic meeting between Arsenal and Liverpool, where spoils were perhaps fairly shared, while elsewhere Manchester United and Chelsea scored bucketfuls at home against ambitious opposition. Elsewhere, Portsmouth missed their chance to go fourth, in a game I unfortunately jinxed by announcing at kick off that there was “literally no way” we wouldn’t see a goal. Sorry guys. Finally, Tottenham continued their fall incredible from grace, with just the hapless Derby and the unlucky Bolton below them in the table.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Rob Green (penalty save, plus several other world class stops from Benjani and Kranjcar to keep West Ham in the game)

Defence – Ricardo Carvalho (immovable), Sylvain Distin (great positional play and several timely tackles), Kolo Toure (rock solid at the back and caused problems with his traditional marauding bursts forward), Phil Jakielka (ran the defence with consummate ease)

Midfield – Niko Kranjcar (dangerous wingplay and great shooting, deserved a goal), Cesc Fabregas (the new Deco?), Daniël de Ridder (great debut for Birmginham after so many injury problems)

Up Top – Didier Drogba (power, pace etc etc), Wayne Rooney (scarily good interplay with Tevez), Olivier Kapo (two goals and all round great performance from the big guy)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Nani’s wonderstrike against Middlesborough, although the first Tevez goal from the same match deserves a mention as well for the beautiful build-up.

Meg of the Week – Adebayor for an admirable brace of megs on first Hyypia and then Carragher early on Anfield.

Save of the Week – Antti Niemi for batting away a Grant Leadbitter piledriver late on at the Stadium of Light.

Skill of the Week – Rooney’s delightful backheel to set up Argentina’s most attractive son, Carlos Tevez, for his first at Old Trafford.

Attempt of the Week – Martin Petrov for cracking a freekick just wide of Petr Cech’s goal while the scoreline was still respectable on Saturday.

Miss of the Week – Nobby Solano really shouldn’t look forward to showing his face at training today after clanging two headers from literally 3 yards out. Any other week and Leroy Lita’s similarly awful open goal fluffs would’ve pipped him though.

Sniper-in-the-Crowd of the Week – As Didi Hamann approached Drogba inside the Man City box, the huge Ivorian dropped to the ground with the grace of a high school shooting victim.

Open Barn Door of the Week – Joe Harte …did all six of Chelsea’s goals actually go through his legs?

Gaffe of the Week – Stuart Downing expertly finds Wayne Rooney on the edge of his own box to gift Man United their second.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Ok ok, he actually seemed to turn up this weekend and even I have to take my hat off to his outside of the boot pass to release Drogba for Chelsea’s second.

ASBO of the Week – Everyone favourite wannabe-pub bouncer Lee Cattermole jumps in with extreme prejudice two-footed on little Nani, presumably jealous of his haircut.

Flirt of the Week – Craig Bellamy and Herman Hreidesson during the first half at Fratton Park; seriously guys, get a room.

Broken Jinx of the Week – Rob Green saves his first ever penalty in professional football. Aces!
Quote of the Week – Tony Adams tells it like it is : “Well Benjani walked forward to take the penalty, so that was the most disappointing thing for us.”

Hero of the Week – Avram Grant for finally getting the Chelsea squad to show what they can do. Was a considerably more entertaining performance than anything I can remember from the last three years, a pretty ominous sight for Arsenal and Men United.

Zero of the Week – Daniel Levy for firing the funniest ever manager in the Premier League, and then still watching his side get turned over at home.

Personal Highlight of the Week – The fact that Leeds vs. Millwall, in League 2, garnered an attendance of 30,319 which was the fourth highest on Saturday in all the English leagues. As much as I hate both teams, it shows that real football lives on outside the top flight!

25 October, 2007

Champions League – Group Stage 3

Another Tuesday and another cracking night for the three British clubs involved, with Rangers holding 2006 winners, and all round p.i.m.p.s, Barcelona 0-0 at home, while Arsenal and Manchester United scored for fun against Slavia Prague and Dynamo Kiev respectively.

Starting first out in the icy Ukraine, Man United got off to a flyer against the national champions and were 2-0 up within ten minutes. Things got interesting however when Kiev bagged a goal back not long after, due to some suspect marking from John O’Shea and some theatrics on the post from Ronaldo, but United were keen to push on. As the game developed Ronaldo became more and more involved, scoring United’s third with a sweet header before the break, and then notching up his team’s fourth from the penalty spot not long after halftime. Despite having a certain penalty denied themselves, Kiev were still eager to attack throughout the second half, and the useful Ismael Bangoura scored from distance with twenty minutes to play as they continued to press. On another night, it could’ve been 4-4 but United came away happy with another 3 points. Elsewhere in the group, Roma also continued to impress, beating Sorting Lisbon 2-1 in a hard fought tie in Italy. Mancini was tricky, and Totti a threat as ever, but it was substitute Mirko Vucinic who grabbed the winner twenty minutes from time for Spalletti's side.

Moving over to North London now, where Arsenal put on an unbelievable show, scoring 7 (seven) unanswered against an admittedly fairly weak Slavia Prague side. Still, you get the feeling that even against a Barcelona or a Milan, this kind of breathtaking performance would’ve been almost as dominant, such was the level of ability on display. As usual Fabregas was majestic, but special plaudits must go to Alexander Hleb and young Theo Woolcott who is finally starting to show he can handle life at this level. Every goal was beautiful, and at the final whistle, I think Prague were genuinely thrilled that they kept it under double figures. The other game in this group saw a resurgent Seville performing well against Steaua Bucharest, coming out on top 2-1 in a game that they were always in control of. Once more, Kanoute was on the scoresheet, but the real star of the show was Brazilian hitman Luis Fabiano who bagged his eighth goal in as many games for Spain’s third best team.

To Ibrox then, and Rangers’ continuation of their unbeaten start to the Champions League campaign against the orange-shirted Catalan giants. In a tight game, both teams had chances to win it, with Ronaldinho coming especially close from a freekick that had to be touched onto the bar by Allan McGregor. Little Leo Messi has criticized Rangers’ tactics of playing “anti-football” but to be honest, what did he expect? In the group’s other game, Lyon finally broke their duck against an awful looking Stuttgart side in Germany, coming out 2-0 winners, but is it already too late for the French champions?

Finally on Tuesday, in the “other” group (i.e. one of the two without British interest) Inter Milan were victorious in Russia against the mighty Sneeze Moscow, with Crespo expertly poaching the opener, while PSV hosted a 0-0 thriller against Fenerbahce. The highlight was genuinely STT favourite Deivid getting sent off for a pretty shocking two-footed lunge.

Moving onto Wednesday then, and not such a good night for our three representatives. While Chelsea earned a resilient 2-0 win against Schalke, Celtic (1-0 to Benfica) and Liverpool (2-1 to Besiktas) both suffered dehabilitating defeats on the road.

And its in Instanbul that we shall start, where another dismal performance from Rafa Benitez’s men leave them languishing at the bottom of their group with just one point on the board and everything to do in the remaining three matches. Biscuits are not exactly a great side but the Scousers just posed no threat and genuinely did not look like scoring from open play the whole game. Team morale was not helped by the farcical defending that led to game’s opener, with multiple ricochets wrong-footing Pepe Reina just 13 minutes in, but there was simply no urgency from the 2005 winners as the game slowly slipped away from them. Elsewhere in their group, Marseilles and Porto shared a point in France, leaving both sides fairly confident of qualification at the halfway stage.

To sunny Portugal then and a great game between Celtic and Benfica, both of whom will feel they had the chances to claim the points well before Oscar Cardozo stole in behind the Celtic backline to slot home with just three minutes left on the clock. Celtic keeper Artur Boruc produced several world class saves from Cardozo and the excellent Rui Costa but once more, concentration seemed to let down the Scottish club. Meanwhile in Milan, defending champions A.C. faced off against Shakhtar Donetsk's 100% record in the competition, eager to make amends for their defeat at Celtic Park a fortnight ago. And make amends they did, running out 4-1 winners, buoyed by world-class performances from STT personal heroes Clarence Seedorf and Ricky Kaka’.

Over to West London next, where Chelsea finally established themselves in command of Group B after a relatively comfortable victory against a fairly uninspiring German side. An early howler from young keeper Manuel Neuer set the tone, as Malouda’s virtual backpass squirmed between his legs but overall Chelsea were decent, with Drogba putting himself in the shop window with a great attacking performance. Sad face for trying to bite Ronaldinho’s trick of passing off his back though, even Eider Gudjohnson was laughing at you Diddles and he likes everyone. The group’s other game saw a wonderful victory for Norwegian side Rosenborg against normally impressive Spanish outfit Valencia, winning 2-0 in the icy plains and keeping themselves as outside contenders for qualification.

And so finally to the other “other” group. A decent Werder Bremen side claimed a 2-1 victory over Lazio, inspired by pint-sized Brazilian whizzkid Diego, and it looks like they should have no problems making it into the knockout stages if they give a good performance in Italy in a fortnight’s time. Along with them I fully expect Real Madrid to go through as well. Despite going 2-1 down at home to the ten men of Olympiakos, the Spanish giants bounced back to finish 4-2 victors in a game that could’ve gone either way at the death. Robinho was excellent (big dance moves too!), but it was Iker Casillas’ late heroics which proved crucial in Madrid’s success, somehow clawing away a last minute header from Darko Kovacevic which would’ve made it 3-3.

Goal of the Round – Several of the Arsenal seven were just sublime team goals, that few other teams in the world could have produced but I’ve got to give this to Clarence Seedorf for his second against Olympiakos, perfectly volleying into the top corner over the stranded visiting keeper from 25 yards. Legend.

Player of the Round – Alexander Hleb, although you could just take your pick from the whole Arsenal midfield as they were all on song. Elsewhere, Kaka didn’t have a bad game for Milan either…

Surpirse Package of the Round Rosenberg for putting the hotly tipped Valencia to the sword. The Norwegians had gone six years without winning on home turf in the group phase, but had too much for the rather lacklustre looking Spaniards.

24 October, 2007

Best Freekick Ever?

Check out Jose Manuel Rey’s recent wonderstrike for Venezuela against Ecuador. It’s genuinely 45 metres out. I mean obviously if I was in goal I would’ve caught it and probably scored from the returning kick out of my hands, but still…madd propz:

Mascot of the Week 8

Names – Sammy the Shrimp

Affiliation – Southend United F.C.

Animal – Shrimp (although he’s actually closer in appearance to a piece of pre-fried Calamari. Or a sperm)

Colour – White

Level of Ridiculousness - 7

Most common missile pelted with – Steak, Chips and Peas

Always one of the most popular figures in the mascot circle, this charismatic crustacean has been a staple of the quaint town of Southend-on-Sea longer than the pier itself, entertaining young and old alike with his beautiful songs of oceanic adventure. But as is so often the case with these masterful entertainers, a heart of insecurity and confusion lies behind those twinkling eyes.

Some of our younger readers might not remember the time when Sammy first appeared in the public eye, as a child prodigy guest-singing on Noel’s House Party; everyone instantly fell in love with the loveable pink shrimp, and his parents pushed him hard to make the most of his 15 minutes of fame. Singing the national anthem at Roots Hall was supposed to be his chance to make it into the big leagues, with several record company executives on hand to see the unusual shellfish perform, but alas, events conspired against him. Hijacked by jealous visiting mascot Mighty Mariner from Grimsby, the pre-game show was an absolute disaster, and Sammy took it hard.

Convinced that his outlandish colour and ‘edgy’ features were to blame, he went into hiding and no-one heard anything of the once adored shrimp for several years. Rumours abounded of his whereabouts, and frightened children swore they could see him late at night roaming around Adventure Island on the seafront, collecting spare change, but still nothing was confirmed.

Then suddenly one day he started just showing up in his old haunts again, and even returned to speak to the management at Southend United about having another crack at the national anthem at Roots Hall. At first, no-one was quite sure what to say. Although he sounded and acted the same as the Sammy they remembered, his outward appearance could not be more different. Gone was the highlighter-pink skin, and no longer did he have the gnarled shell and prominent antennae that once gave him so much character. Instead, he was now pasty white and featureless, with a huge permanent smile apparently stapled onto his face.

To this day whenever the subject is brought up, Sammy sticks to the same story. He has a rare skin condition called Vitiligo, which makes him extra sensitive to sunlight, and always used to wear pink make up to cover the ugly blotches that this causes. Now however, he has come to terms with the disease, and realizes that he must be white. Furthermore, to explain the facial changes, Sammy claims that following an operation to fix a broken nose, he suffered difficulty breathing and as such, has had to have his features permanently altered to correct this problem. Whatever you believe, I’m sure you will join me in simply rejoicing that he is back in the town he loved, and now playing the role at his favourite football club he always so desired.

And finally, in an ironic turn of events, Sammy might well find the nationwide acclaim he once longed for after all. Following an incredibly successful run in local pub quizzes, he has been head-hunted by the TV show Mastermind to appear in what they are calling their “ultimate test.” Here's a taste of what lies in store for him as Harry the Hornet takes a seat in the famous chair:

23 October, 2007

Obscure South American of the Week 4

Name – Kerlon Moura Souza a.k.a. Kerlon

Affiliation - Crizeiro F.C.

Reason for coolness – He does the ‘Seal Dribble’

Reason for Obscurity – He only burst onto the scene two summers ago in the South American Under-17s Championship in Venezuela and has publicly stated that he isn’t “ready” for exposure outside of the Brazilian league. Also, he certainly ain’t no oil painting.

Meet young Brazilian chap Kerlon, who is a centre forward best known for his ability to flick the ball up onto his head and run at amazing speeds while still juggling with it during matches. Known only as the mystical ‘seal dribble,’ it is a technique so devious because it is nigh on impossible for the defending team to win the ball back off him legally. The speed at which he travels while doing this, coupled with his ability to change direction on a sixpence, makes opponents resort to just clattering him to the ground virtually every time and giving away a freekick. He is said to have learned the move from his father, Silvinho, who was (quite arrogantly) ‘stunned’ when Kerlon mastered the ancient move. “It's just a skill I have,” he says, “though it's not meant to be a mark of disrespect for my opponents. Opponents say they will snap me, but this doesn’t scare me, it just motivates me even more.”

The gimmick has been enough to unsurprisingly raise eyebrows around the world, and the oft-denoted title of “the new Ronaldinho” has been applied to Kerlon numerous times already. Manchester United are consistently linked with the young star in the British press, while recently, rumours of a move to both sides of Milan to join his various Brazilian bredrin have appeared in the Italian papers. In a statement at the start of the 2007 season, Kerlon himself announced that he wanted to see the year through with Cruzeiro before considering a permanent move in Europe.

So, he is actually any good, or just a bit of sideshow entertainment? Well, so far he has managed only one goal in the professional game, but was the leading goal scorer and official Best Player at the aforementioned South American u17s, so I guess it’s not yet apparent. You have to wonder how he would fare in the Premier League though. Given the physical treatment guys like Ronaldo and Torres face week in, week out, would it all be a bit much for him at just 20 years old? It’s not hard to imagine him dinking the ball onto his head, starting to dart into the box juggling it, only to be literally broken in half by someone like Andy Todd, Chris Samba or Andre Bikey…

Anyway, enough talk, see him bust out this immense move for yourself, and check out the absolute shoeing he takes from defenders every time he does it:

22 October, 2007

Trevor Benjamin - Perennial (not Perineal) Journeyman

Glancing at Sky Sports News in the pub last night, I was shocked that I had let this slip under the radar for almost three months now. In his phenomenal 12 year professional career, Trevor Benjamin has now played for 16 separate English league teams, surpassing the previous record of Goalkeeper John Burridge, often regarded as the quintessential football journeyman.

In total Burridge made league appearances for 15 English league clubs and five Scottish league clubs in a 27-year career, in addition to being on the books of four English league clubs and one Scottish League club without playing games for them. Remarkably he also had spells at six non-league clubs during his epic career, giving him a grand total of 31 clubs!

Benjamin however broke the record when he signed for League Two heavyweights Hereford United in August this year, tipping his total to the magical 16, of which an incredible 15 have been since the year 2000! Perhaps most settled at Leicester City, who paid a whopping £1.5million for his services, Benjamin still struggled to just 11 goals in 81 appearances as the Foxes languished in the Premier League.

Whats funny is that, looking at his list of clubs (below) they are spread around pretty much the whole country, so either Big Trev had to move an awful lot, or he actually lives in a caravan. If you are in any doubt about whether this story deserves coverage here, bear in mind that not only is he Jamaican but he’s also mates with Rio Ferdinand. Man like Rio will merc up your manor if you don’t big up his bredrin.



App (Gls)


Cambridge United
Leicester City
Crystal Palace (loan)
Norwich City (loan)
West Bromwich Albion (loan)
Gillingham (loan)
Rushden & Diamonds (loan)
Brighton & Hove Albion (loan)
Northampton Town (loan)
Northampton Town
Coventry City
Peterborough United
Watford (loan)
Swindon Town (loan)
Boston United (loan)
Walsall (loan)
Hereford United

123 (35)
81 (11)
6 (1)
6 (0)
3 (1)
4 (1)
6 (1)
10 (5)
4 (2)
1 (0)
12 (1)
47 (8)
2 (0)
8 (2)
3 (0)
8 (2)
8 (5)

Gameweek 10 – ‘Bouncing Back’

Happy Monday everyone, and welcome back to regularly scheduled blogging. Over the last fortnight or so, the STT staff have been taking a well earned break, getting caught up in the excitement of international football, the rugby World Cup and the deciding race in this year’s Formula 1 season. To be honest, the less said about all of these flops, the better, but still huge big ups go out to the rugby lads for a great tournament, and to Lewis Hamilton for a cracking debut season. On the other hand, a large sad face to the whole England football team for literally one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen, hopefully all involved were suitably embarrassed.

Anyways…this weekend saw the first Merseyside derby of the year, a game that sizzled with tension as ever with the red half of the city taking the plaudits due to some slightly suspect refereeing. Elsewhere, Manchester United seem to have found their scoring boots at last, putting 4 past a 9-man Villa side, while Arsenal notched up their eleventh straight win this season to keep them top of the pile.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Antti Niemi (superhuman performance to give the Craven Cottage something to almost get slightly excited about)

Defence –Joleon Lescott (Roberto Carlos-esque levels of rampaging forward to help him put Wednesday’s nightmare performance behind him), Alex (commanding defensive effort and a wondergoal to prove that he’s a real Brazilian), Glen Johnson (continuing his excellent start to the season with a lovely individual goal, his first in over 3 years), George McCartney (great performance from yet another promising young British Hammer)

Midfield – Gabriel Agbonlahor (was this week’s pick from the ever-impressive and depressingly young Villa front six), Alexander Hleb (confident performance full of beautiful dribbling skills), Elano (another game, another goal, and again, by far the best player on the pitch)

Up Top – Kenwyne Jones (once again a constant threat, and superb in the air), Wayne Rooney (realistically should’ve bagged four), Benni McCarthy (oozed class in an all-round superlative display from the vastly underrated Blackburn side)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Too close to call between Tugay’s thunderbolt and Alex’s super sweet freekick, so joint-kudos.

Save of the Week – Rob Green goes full length to deny a great snapshot from Leadbitter.

Skill of the Week – Gary O’Neil sliding the ball past one side on Ferreira and collecting it on the other, a feat so devious that the Portuguese international panicked and just fell over.

Attempt of the Week – The Yak lashes an exocet missle from 25 yards just wide of Pepe Reina’s post in the Merseyside derby.

Wrestling Move of the Week – Attempted flying dropkick from Dirk Kuyt on the least good looking of the Neville brothers. Shame he didn’t connect.

Shin of the Week – Rio Ferdinand almost fails to hit the target from 5 yards for Man United’s third at Villa Park.

Quote of the Week – “It was a true connection, the keeper had no chance”…Rio talks up his first (presumably of many) goal of the season. No doubt by the end of the week it’ll have transformed into a 40 yard bicycle kick.

Gaffe of the Week – Sami Hyypia expertly slots the ball into the top corner, unfortunately at the wrong end.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – In a display was exuded quality, the midfield maestro delivered an inch perfect 4 yard pass to tee up Alex’s cracking freekick at the Riverside.

Best Tag Team/Potential-Rap-Duo-If-Their-Careers-Go-Down-the-Pan-Anytime-Soon of the Week – Benni McCarthy and Roque Santa Cruz; I can see Roque dropping some clichéd Latino raps while Benni does a dope Flavor Flav thing in the background.

Biblical Sacrifice of the Week – Phil Neville falls on his sword in the last minute at Goodison to give Torrette-tastic Tim Howard a chance to save a draw. Jesus/Abraham would’ve been proud. His brother Gary, not so much.

Nickname of the Week – Robbie Savage having the audacity to call Tugay ‘Worzel Gummidge’…presumably mirrors don’t exist in the Savage household…

Bribe of the Week – Stevie Gerrard offers Mark Clattenburg a quick squeeze of his girlfriend’s norks in exchange for changing Hibbert’s yellow card into a red at Goodison Park.

Spaz of the Week – Adebayor reminds everyone that intrinsically he is actually pretty rubbish, by rounding the keeper and instead of slotting into the open goal, deciding to fall over and produce some truly bizarre break-dancing moves.

ASBO of the Week – Housewives favourite Paul Koncheskey destroys Craig Fagan with a elbow to the face that even a bouncer at Yates’ would be proud of.

Most amusing contribution of the Week – Looking for his first goal for the club, Julius Aghahowa jogs on as a late substitute for Wigan, and then before he actually touches the ball, manages to get booked and cracked full in the face by a freekick. Bet he’s glad he broke into the team.

Hero of the Week – Robbie Savage. Just generally.

Zero of the Week – Mark Clattenburg for getting almost every big decision in the Merseyside derby wrong. And for permanently looking like a pubescent boy that’s just been caught by his parents ‘massaging’ himself.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Not football I know, but I simply have to go for seeing those two BMW pit mechanics being accidently run over by their driver in the Brazilian GP. You can’t buy that.

19 October, 2007

Good Old Fashioned Family Racism

What a great code of ethics football in this country has. Just a month after convicted criminal and professional scumbag Lee Hughes was snapped up straight from his prison team to join Oldham Athletic, now Ron Atkinson has been brought back into football management after languishing on low-rent digital TV for the past few years.

‘Big’ Ron will be unveiled this weekend as part of the new management team at sleeping giants Halesowen Town, the non-league football club said today.

The Yeltz finally broke their silence on the rumours, with director Mark Serrell claiming the former Albion and Villa manager will be unveiled at a press conference before Saturday’s match at home to Brackley.

To re-iterate, Mr Serrell said: “Ron Atkinson will be coming to the club. There were meetings last night and it was confirmed this morning. We will be unveiling him at a Press conference on Saturday.”

Ron will be pleased to learn that out of the club’s 22 registered first team players, 20 are English through and through, meaning that there’s very little chance he’ll have to go through the charade of finding excuses to ‘let go’ anyone ethnic. Remember folks, there’s no black in the Union Jack.

18 October, 2007

Back to Africa

If you thought unbelievably shameless corruption and match-fixing was the only reason to watch African football, think again. Chances are that if you’re lucky you might even get to join in an actual riot! In the recent titanic showdown between Mali and Togo, it properly kicked off when Mali cruised to victory 2-0, helped by Stoke City behemoth Mamaday ‘Big Mama’ Sidibe, who almost paid the ultimate price for his performance.

Sidibe was knocked unconscious when Togo fans invaded the pitch after the win for Mali pipped them to a place in next year's African Cup of Nations finals, and he then subsequently lacerated two muscles in his right arm when he was actually dragged through a window during a desperate struggle to escape the trouble. The 27-year-old striker was still too distressed to talk about the John McClane-esque incident at length yesterday, but confirmed: “I think I am going to be out for three weeks, but at least I am safe now.” Sidibe's injury will undoubtedly leave both club and the player questioning the wisdom of his participation of future matches in Africa, especially after the rioters even smashed up the ambulances at the stadium so he had to be rushed to hospital in an army vehicle. Potteries manager Tony Pulis offered this comment: “By the sounds of it, he could have come out of it a lot worse. If an artery had been severed instead of muscles, it could have been fatal. You just can't believe this has happened at a football match.” This ain’t football though Tony, THIS IS AFRICA.

The riot is currently being investigated by African football chiefs, while FIFA are more than likely to examine a report from their representative at the game. The attacks are suspected to be revenge for similar bloodshed in Mali in 2006, when a World Cup qualifier against Togo had to be abandoned because of rioting fans, but apparently additional security measures were deemed unnecessary. This comes just months after all round Original Gangster and poster-child Obafemi Martins narrowly escaped an assassination attempt in his native Nigeria. He survived by doing this:

17 October, 2007

Oh. Dear. 2 - 1.

Jose's Brains and Valid Points

Here are a couple of the least surprising facts ever. Firstly, Jose Mourinho has a book almost finished where he talks about his career up until his recent departure from Chelsea, and secondly, the club’s executive management and fans don’t come off too well in it.

Now J-to-the-Ose is saying what everyone else has been thinking for the past few years about Chelsea fans and I guess his comments are symptomatic of the way football in this country has headed over the last decade or so. The game, especially in the Premier League, is no longer for your average working class bloke to take his son along to because nine times out of ten he simply can’t afford it anymore. When you think of the price of two tickets, plus transport and ‘refreshments,’ we’re talking basically a 100 squid afternoon.

Anyway, enough soap-boxing, read what your girlfriend’s favourite man over 40 said for yourself:

“ And there’s a common denominator among them all – they’re foreigners, which fits in with the general profile of the fan of the club. Whoever is a foreigner and leads a life above the means of the average citizen is a fan of Chelsea because Chelsea have the most expensive tickets, the most expensive meals, their social life around the game is more important than that of other clubs.
“Because they have that spending power, the Chelsea fan is more ‘society’ and, of course, that’s reflected in the stadium, with the support they give the team.
" It's a soft sort of fan who doesn't get behind the team a lot....... they create a different atmosphere because a lot of our fans also go to the opera, the theatre, other types of shows that don't lend themselves to lots of shouting. That's the Chelsea fan. That's why Chelsea have some difficulty in asserting themselves as a great club of English football.
"The Chelsea fan, he's the suit & tie fan...with economic power, almost the antithesis of the fan in England, if you like, of low social status, the fan who has difficulty with coping with ticket prices, the fan who has a long history of support for the club. So we're not talking about West Ham or Arsenal.”

16 October, 2007

David James Wants you to Save the Planet

DJ had to plant 10,000 trees to offset the damage done to the environment by his hair products

Monday was Blog Action Day on the Interwebs, where millions of blogs across the world were encouraged to promote sustainable living. We do love the planet at STT, for it gives us grass to kick balls about on, rain to liven up the most boring of Conference North games and sunshine to dry little children's tears when Liverpool inevitably get dumped out of the Champions League in a penalty shootout.

DJ is a firm believer in all things environmentally friendly and is a truly modern man in a world where Craig Bellamy plies his trade. Brave chap. The latest bit of grit in James's organically sourced porridge is the toilet situation at Stamford Bridge, which waste amazing amounts of water. He goes on to assure readers that the Portsmouth players regularly share baths and insists that he has managed to get Glen Johnson to cut down the number of cars he sets on fire per day from 17 to a paltry 2. Apparently the amount of energy saved by DJ's actions could power Alexandre Gaydamak's robot lawyers for a fortnight!

15 October, 2007

Gary Neville is a Friendly Chap

This video has been doing the rounds this week, so in the absence of any truly exciting football to report, we present you with a clip of Gary Neville acting like a total cockstand.

He is initially very scared by the affable Dane's tap on the shoulder, then refuses the handshake like he's got a palm full of snot. Why? Is it because big Pete shouted at him one time too many? Is it because he's trying to woo Veron with his hard-nosedness? No. It's because of this:

Neville Neville's firstborn lies awake at night, dreaming of scoring goals like this.

Congrats to England, Ireland and Scotland for decent results at the weekend. Apologies to anyone who was watching S4C on Saturday night. That was the sort of night European minnows dream of.

12 October, 2007

The Amusing and Ridiculous Names World Series - Real Football vs. American Football

Hot on the heals of our cutting edge, scientific investigation into using the standard of Europe’s stadium food as a gauge for the club’s footballing ability, STT are now proud to present yet another exclusive, undercover expose. The sights this time are trained on our cousins across the food and the differences between the sports they incorrectly label as “football” and “soccer.” Now, rather than have a boring debate about the technical merits of each, we at STT have decided to take the most rational course of action available in deciding once and for all which is the superior sport. The only obvious barometer for this was, of course: which sports boasts players with most hilarious names??!!

American Football:

Winston Justice – Probably the greatest name ever created, his parents have tapped into a level of genius few people have mastered throughout history. Apparently he’s actually rubbish at the sport, as he got his arse handed to him last week by another fellow with a silly name - Osi Umeniyora. But no matter; when he’s retires a long career as a budget vigilante crime-fighter awaits…

Maurice Morris – Presumably upon birth, Mr and Mrs Morris realized that their son wouldn’t be blessed with the greatest intelligence, so decided to make at least one thing in his life that bit easier. Now, whenever asked for either his first name or surname, he only has to remember one!

LaBrandon Toefield – Amazing for so many reasons, this kind of sums up the general weirdness of Americans when it comes to names: take a traditional name, add ‘La’ to the front of it, then combine with a bizarrely descriptive mental image straight from a science-fiction/horror movie as the surname.

Willie Ponder – Yes if you say it fast enough he sounds like a gay pornstar. That’s pretty much all we look for in a name at STT. Although judging by the consistently mean look on face, and sheer size of Willie, I certainly wouldn’t bring that up in front of him.

Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala – Originally of Hawaiian decent, Chris is blessed with the surname that sounds most like someone clearing their nose. It’s a good thing.

Chris Weinke – Pronounced ‘Winky,’ there is something incongruously amusing about a guy who is literally twice my weight having a name that is the primary child’s terminology for penis.

Tex Leyendecker – Another one who can anticipate a long career in niche pornography should American Football not work out for him. I haven’t seen a photo, but I just know he’s of German extraction and has a moustache.

Dick Butkus - Pronounced Butt-Kiss, so every syllable is a little bit rude, Dick was always heavily bullied at school. Thankfully for him, he grew up to be a man mountain, so he gets a pass for this truly ridiculous name.

Buster Rhymes – Apparently the inspiration for hip-hop megastar Busta Rhymes, the original Mr. Rhymes actually cared very little for rap in general. He did however send John Barnes a congratulatory fax when he heard Barnes’ killer 16 bars on New order’s World Cup classic “World in Motion” though.

Webster Slaughter – It seems that Slaughter is actually a pretty popular name across the pond generally, as other famous Slaughters include Chuck, Mickey, TJ, Chad and my personal favourite, Sergeant. Insert your own joke about American foreign policy here.

Honorable Mentions:

Not American Football related, but I just had to squeeze these in somewhere!

Ex-Basketball players Scientific Mapps and God Shamgod are too good for words.

Real Football a.k.a Soccer:

Bongo Christ – Everything about this name is just right. So much so in fact that my first son will almost definitely be called Bongo; half in reference to Mr. Christ, and half as homage to Matthew ‘Bongos’ McConaughey

Danger Fourpence – Currently playing for the footballing giant Caps United FC in Zimbabwe, Danger is operating on a much higher level than most of us can ever dream of achieving. Rumours that his middle name is ‘Mouse’ have been unfortunately unsubstantiated.

Have-A-Look Dube – The New York Times went as far as to say that Mr. Dube’s first name was “a form of child abuse,” which might not actually be too far from the truth. I cannot even begin to hypothesise over how he came to be christened Have-a-Look.

Milan Fukal – This Czech defender is lucky to have a snappy comeback as a surname. “Have you got any cash to pay for these beers Milan?” “Fukal mate!” Har-de-har-har.

Danny Invincible – It’s always hilarious when this name appears on Sky Sports’ vidiprinter, but unfortunately since he scores so infrequently, this doesn’t happen too often. If there truly is a God, He will somehow contrive for Invincible and Justice to cross paths at some point in their lives…either to fight crime, or ideally, to form a WWF tag-team.

Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway – Possibly the greatest name in footballing history, Mr Conway is famous for having been named after the entire 1973 QPR promotion-winning team. Fortunately for him, most of them had normal names at least; imagine being stung with all eleven names from the current Arsenal team.

Mario Killer – Brother of Daniel, who won the World Cup in 1978 with Argentina, Mario was actually pretty rubbish at football, but makes the cut here ahead of Daniel due to his Nintendo-friendly first name.

Emmanuel Panther – Amazingly Scottish in nationality, ‘Manny’ was once captain of York City, and made famous throughout the Conference by the incredible chant: "He's tall, he's quick, his name's a porno flick…Emmanuel! Emmanuel!"

Prince Polley – A former Ghanian international, Prince was blessed with an ace first name, but was let down by having a girl’s name as a surname. Kudos for the alliteration though, it almost saves him.

Pedro Power – There’s something great about the name Pedro in any context, but add on a famous Simpsons reference as a surname and we’re talking next level shit here.

Honorable Mention:

Stefan Kuntz; Not since Postman Pat has a name been so simply appropriate.

11 October, 2007

Like Watching Women’s Football? Try Porn!

Not my words, but rather a précis of FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s somewhat controversial comment that the only way people will ever be interested in women’s football is if the players all start wearing tighter shirts and short-shorts.

"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball," said the FIFA big cheese, "they could, for example, have tighter shorts." Having clearly spent quite a while thinking about this, his eyes glazed over as he continued: "Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball…that decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"

Obviously these sorts of statements tend to rub people the wrong way, and literally within minutes of Mr. Blatter’s verbal diarrhea Pauline Cope, the England and Charlton goalkeeper, said Blatter's comments were “typical of a bloke.” She went on to say: “He doesn't know what he is talking about, we don't use a lighter ball for one thing, and to say we should play football in hot-pants is plain ridiculous.”

Now at STT we like to play devil’s advocate as often as possible, and as such, it seems to us that Ms. Cope has a slight chip on her shoulder and perhaps shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss Blatter’s comments. All men think along the same lines when watching women’s football, because, let’s be honest, the actual standard is worse than abysmal. Even Fulham ladies manager Marieanne Spacey agrees: “Surely it's about skill and tactical ability first and how people look second,” she said. So logically, since they are all intrinsically lacking in skill and tactical ability, appearance should be made paramount in the women’s game? Let’s put it this way: how many more men would watch a women’s match if there were 22 Kylie Minogues were flouncing about for an hour and a half? That kinda shit normally costs hundreds, even in ‘Dam…