With wild reports circulating yesterday of conspiracies and assassination attempts, STT has this morning come into contact with an unnamed source to shed light on Wednesday night’s laser incident. For those not in the know, Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo was targeted by a green laser beam during the warm-up in Lyon, as well as during the first half of the Champions League tie, while UEFA officials scrambled through the crowd in a thrilling race against time to find the culprit.
This is not the first time this season a superstar has been targeted by laser however, as just before Christmas Didier Drogba received similar treatment during an away tie at Upton Park. As we speak, wild rumours are flying round Premier League dressing rooms of potential snipers looking to take out star players, while in certain circles, the possibility of aliens armed with actual laser guns like in Moonraker has also been raised. STT would like to condemn reports in the press simply dismissing both these incidents as just pikeys in the crowd waving about laser pointers, and suggest you join us as we delve even further beneath the surface.
Our source this morning showed us just how deep the rabbit’s hole goes, and I have to say, we were frankly baffled. Speaking exclusively to STT, our man described how the gradual softening of Premier League defences has meant that, in order to take out an opposing matchwinner, knee-high tackles from the likes of Neil Ruddock are no longer an option. Managers have therefore resorted to placing unemployed relatives of theirs in grounds throughout the country, to irritate players by blinding them with laser sights, but to date this has only been captured on film twice. As you can see from various STT Gameweek reviews of the past, on several occasions this season already, silenced shots have in fact been fired on players in opposition penalty area, by a weapon apparently so advanced that no wound is left behind.
There’s more though. One man is pulling the strings behind all of this, intent on neutralizing star players to the extent that their clubs no longer want them, and he is free to buy them for his own, ahem, personal use. Yes, our whistle-blower dropped a bomb (not to be confused with ‘da’ bomb) and revealed that DR EVIL has been behind this campaign of terror all along, with the sole intention of capturing enough world class players to have a cool 3-on-3 Scorpio match always running in the cage on his floating lair. Further suggestion that Dr Evil is also behind the plan to add a 39th Premier League to the season was raised, however, we have neither confirmation nor denial at this stage.
Alas however, there is no concrete evidence, and as no-one to date has been caught for questioning, once again this evil mastermind lives to die another day…