30 January, 2008

Another Relationship on the Rocks?

Due to the frankly overwhelming response to our post a fortnight ago about modern day Romeo and Juliet, Jermaine Defoe and Danielle Lloyd, STT has kept a close eye on this one ever since, even going so far as to install a spy camera into their most holy of sanctuaries. Now, using audio and video drawn from that very same source, lodged secretly inside the pencil case full of vibrating cock-rings and cling-film they keep under the bed, it pains us to report that their relationship might be soon over.

The pair held crisis talks yesterday to try to salvage their fairytale romance, after another woman shockingly claimed she has been his secret lover for seven years, on-and-off during his time with David Beckham’s sister Joanne, cheap tart Charlotte Mears and current squeeze Dani. Jermaine has subsequently groveled at the feet of Ms Lloyd, urging her to trust him in spite of single mum Stephanie Moule’s revelations. Clearly deluded that anyone cares enough to maliciously undermine their relationship, Defoe offered these words to The Daily Star: “There are people out there just trying to ruin everything for us!”

Moule - a paltry 36GG

A distraught Lloyd came to STT this lunchtime looking for comfort and someone to buy her a new Bentley. “First us, then poor Cheryl and Ashley Cole,” she lamented thoughtfully, “Women who sell these stories have no self res­pect. They want to make money and be famous for saying they have slept with soccer stars. But they have no shame.” Are you familiar with the concept of irony Dani?

The “zeppelin-chested” (thanks to the News of the World for that beautiful epithet) 25 year old Moule claims: “He's obsessed with my 36GG boobs. He loves it that he can fit his head into one of my bra cups—and he's happy just sitting there in my bedroom like that, with my bra on his head. Immediately after he climaxes he wants to go again. So he does naked handstands up against the wall because he believes it helps speed things up.” Having taken the afternoon off work, STT can confirm that this is neither a true nor advisable way to get a couple more licks out of the old lovepump.

Lloyd - a mere 32DD

Just weeks after picking up with wet-dream Lloyd, Jermaine apparently turned up on Moule’s doorstep out of the blue and immediately whispered his code-phrase for sex : “I want to trouble you.” He then pulled Moule upstairs and they did it on a deflated airbed. Reading her further revelations are just like a Mills & Boon romance novel: “As usual, Jermaine wanted it with me on top, but facing away from him, that's how he always likes sex. It was fast and furious and over with in minutes.”

Lloyd responded: “I can tell you her claims that Jer­maine did naked handstands before sex, and wore her bra on his head are ridiculous!” Everyone knows Jermaine is physically incapable of anything even remotely that athletic, she told us off the record.

This all begs the question, why if you had Danielle Lloyd at home waiting for you, would you risk it all for a horse frightening swamp-monster like Moule? “He's always told me that, really, he can't stand skinny girls or model types,” she offered as an answer when we spoke to her an hour ago.

Sure love, that’ll be it, all guys secretly hate fit girls.