18 February, 2008

Arsene Wenger's Weekly Email Part 3

Following this weekend’s action, I imagine some of you were hoping that we might be able to offer you another look at Arsene Wenger’s weekly e-mail to worldwide Gunners. Well, dear reader, count yourselves lucky because below we can offer you the third of these exclusives…this time however, at a cost. You might recall that in order to obtain the last installment, following the 5 – 1 Carling Cup defeat to Spurs, our man on the inside at the Emirates had to extract himself fully from a long-running and complex programme of subterfuge. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to us, it was already too late and the die had been cast.

Yesterday, while delivering the below message to STT staff on top of a multistory car-park in Woking, our spy was tragically shot by a man posing as a car-park attendant, who subsequently escaped capture from STT’s security firm by base-jumping into the open top of a moving Ferrari 360 Spider traveling on the road below. We were too late to get a look at the driver, but did manage to take the photo shown underneath, so if anyone has any ideas who the perpetrator might be, please contact us at the usual address and we will go to the police…

Dear all Arsenal fans,

First things first, I was under the impression that this weekend’s clash was supposed to be a football match and not in fact water polo! I have never seen such appalling conditions, and cannot believe the officials allowed the game to kick-off with my players all standing in ankle-deep water! I therefore won’t acknowledge this as a proper victory for them, and as usual, there is absolutely no cause to be gracious in defeat by admitting they were the better team.

Due to a malicious campaign of intimidation and food-poisoning over the past few weeks, we were forced to field a seriously sub-par team featuring only 9 established internationals and even an Englishman! We clearly had no chance with Justin in the side, but to make matters worse, Kolo and Manny Eboue were still really tired from their last African Cup of Nations game over a week ago. To address the red card issue, you can clearly see Manny jumping up to head the ball, but actually falling sleep mid-air, that’s how tired he actually was the poor lad. If Patrice Evra wasn’t so small there probably wouldn’t have been a problem at all, but the tiny cheat ducked his head into Manny’s leg and went down theatrically to give the ref no choice but to placate the morons in the crowd.

I wish to now channel some of my hatred for that horrible little street rat that looks like Michael Jackson used to; yes, Nani. What’s with that anyway, Nani isn’t even a name! He was so mean and disrespectful and kept teasing our players! That was very unpleasant and he deserved to be sawn off at the knees by Matthieu. We definitely kept our discipline and were not humiliated by his tricks. I hate people who mercilessly taunt their rivals when victory is secure and certainly never took any pleasure in when that turncoat He-Wh0-Shall-Not-Be-Named did it in years past. I hate flair and never want to see any level of entertainment for the fans in this country again. I bought Justin and Gilberto a large milkshake each for trying to stop it, and took William out for pizza after he kicked Nani as hard as he could when the ball was 20 metres away. That’s professionalism and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the end of the day, the FA Cup is rubbish anyway, and we still have the Champions League and the Premier League to win, so it isn’t a priority, despite telling everyone all year that we take the competition seriously. The best reaction to baiting Man United fans is to simply ask them who’s top of the league, and as they try to answer, simply goad them by saying things like “can you not remember?” and “shall we go have a look in a newspaper?” etc. If they ask what that has to do with it, simply blow them a raspberry and walk off.

I end then once more with a few suggested rebuttals should you face another week of abuse from ignorant and uncultured opposition fans. I for one have always rated Darren Fletcher very very highly, but others around the country see him as somewhat of a joke player, used only when Alex Ferguson has literally no alternative. His brace was therefore typical of the talent I know he possesses, and if anything, he was the only Manchester player who I think is worthy of scoring against us.

Some people might also point to the fact that Tevez wasn’t required to come on, and Hargreaves, Giggs and Ronaldo weren’t even in their squad. However, I struggle to think of 4 more over-rated players, and in reality, their team selection including Park, Carrick and that horrible tease Nani was actually their strongest possible. We will have our revenge in a couple of weeks time in the league when they are additionally burdened by having to add these supposedly world-class talents to the team. Finally, to anyone who abhors the behaviour of Manny Adebayor, ask them to take another look at the slow motion video footage. At the moment where he supposedly ‘dived’, if you freeze-frame it at just the right time, you can see a small otter leap out of the water on the pitch and horrifically trip him up, causing the fall. He is thankfully ok now but was so scarred by the incident he had to sleep on Saturday with a nightlight on.

Until next time.

I remain faithfully,