14 August, 2007

Arsene Wenger’s Weekly Email


There are no fans like Arsenal fans. Love them or hate them, they tend to be resolutely behind the team and spout untold amounts of made up stats to justify their opinion as fact. How often over the years have you heard claims that “(x) is clearly the best (y) in (z)?” There was a time two years ago where I literally could not speak to my Arsenal friends for more than two minutes before they used Jedi Mind Tricks to convince me that Cesc Fabregas was the best midfielder in the world, and had recently played Viera/Zidane/Deco off the park. It has long been the suspicion at STT that, due to the homogeneity of the bullshit that Arsenal fans come out with, there must be an Email sent round to them from on high every week. Through identity theft and a complex series of ropes and pulleys, it has exclusively made its way onto the pages of this blog.

To all Arsenal fans,

It has been a long off-season and I know you have missed the cold touch of my computerised pen. Do not fear, as He is back, telling you what to think and what to tell the great mass of unbelievers. First of all, excellent news: we are 2 points clear of the ‘Champions’ with merely 37 games to go and I expect all to believe we will maintain, if not extend, this gap as the season progresses. Furthermore it is already clear who the players of the season will be so you should start telling people their epithets now; “the commanding” Bacary, “the devilishly tricky” Alexander and “the penetrating” Robin are to be personally congratulated by me tonight over dinner for their hard work.

Lehmann experienced his own personal Hindenburg disaster in the first minute and I suspect sabotage. I expect all true fans to start spreading rumours that he is a secret Spurs scout, deep undercover, and he thus poses a threat to the unity of the team. You should start to circulate that Almunia and Fabianski are capable enough to play in the Premiership and would start for virtually any other team. Any suggestion that Almunia looks like he’s constantly up for a siesta shall be met with icy stares and accusations of casual racism.

You will also say that Lawrie Sanchez is a hypocrite for accusing Arsenal players of diving, when it was his team that were the cheats. Naturally, you will back this up by saying that cheating is disgusting and that there is no place in the game for such behaviour. Anyone who mentions Bergkamp, Van Persie or Pires must instantly be labelled as someone who hates the beautiful way we play real football, and must love the Bundesliga.

The turncoat Henry is not to be brought up in conversation, unless asked by an unbeliever if Arsenal can qualify for the Champions League without him. The response to this will be something along the lines of ‘we don’t need him, he’s always been rubbish, the rest of the squad has carried him for the last 7 years…besides the team we’ve got now is our best yet.’ Sobbing is categorically NOT allowed. Additionally, all fans who own a Clio must sell it immediately.

Until next week,

A.W.

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