04 April, 2008

FA Cup Mascot-Off!

To celebrate the somewhat unexpected final-4 in this year’s cup, we have decided to give each club a little bit of time in the spotlight by offering a mascot scrapbook of sorts to help you decide exactly where your allegiances lie:

Name – Frogmore

Affiliation – Portsmouth

Animal – Frog

Colour – Turquoise

Level of Ridiculousness – 9

Most common missile pelted with – Naval memorabilia

Frogmore is named after the road that leads up to Pompey's mock-Tudor fronted ground and has seemingly replaced the more macho Pompey sailor as chief mascot on the South Coast. Everything about Frogmore himself is just perfect; retina-damagingly bright, incongruous in every way, and a gaping mouth and dilated pupils combo that would be enough of a warning sign even for Pete Doherty. Frogmore describes his life as being “like a cartoon” and it’s easy to see why when he spends his days hanging out with huge flowers and grown men dressed as pirates.

Name – Baggie Bird

Affiliation – West Bromwich Albion

Animal – Bird (a Thrush to be more precise apparently)

Colour – Brown with speckles

Level of Ridiculousness – 6

Most common missile pelted with – Premier League merchendise

For those of you not in the know, West Brom are called ‘the Baggies’ not because they all buy ill-fitting cheap clothes, but because back in the day (the 1890s) their traditional followers were iron-workers renowned for wearing baggy moleskin trousers. Blessed with a very cheery face and an impressive wing-span, Baggie Bird is pretty sweet, but considering the Baggies actually have an absolute stunner of a famous supporter in FHM High Street Honey winner Kayleigh Pearson, STT suggests they ditch the feathers and just get her to wear a selection of (supporter-voted) fetish outfits every week instead. The kids’ll grow to love the change, trust me.

Name – Toby Tyke

Affiliation – Barnsley

Animal – Dog

Colour – Brown

Level of Ridiculousness – 7 (the sunglasses are a helpful accessory)

Most common missile pelted with – Heavy brass instruments

Suffering from the dog equivalent of giganticism from a young age, Toby was lucky to find a job with a great sense of caring community spirit. Always a hit at kids’ parties and the like, Toby is a cheeky chappy who loves nothing more than romping with his schoolchums in the fens and spinneys of Yorkshire, bathing in the lit hedgerows. He also presents awards and stuff:

As with all good dogs though, he hates intruders, who in this case are almost always away supporters at Oakwell. On top of always scoring in front of them just before kick-off as a fearsome intimidation tactic, he has also been known to cock one leg up in the air and pretend to relieve himself on them should they get a bit too vocal.

Name – Bartley

Affiliation – Cardiff

Animal – Bluebird

Colour – Blue

Level of Ridiculousness – 5

Most common missile pelted with – Sheep (inflatable or otherwise)

Feared in both mascot and cage-fighting circles, Bartley was a old-school bruiser who didn’t give a shit about anything. Named after Bartley Wilson, the founder of Riverside FC which went on to become Cardiff City, this rough and tough bird was an enforcer and talisman for all Bluebirds fans. Famous for a violent confrontation with previous Mascot star Robbie the Bobby, the Bury mascot, Bartley was blacklisted for many years as complex programs of rehabilitation were carried out. Now he’s a different bird though, no longer into mooning people for sport and wrestling with other animals. His primary focus is on educating children as to the dangers of knife and gun crime these days, with public appearances at prominent Welsh schools lined up throughout the year.

As ever with STT, level of ridiculousness is the deciding factor, so without doubt our full support is behind Pompey and their frankly acid-conceived Frogmore the Frog. The club earn extra kudos as well for their supporters’ willingness to dress up as pirates, even to queue for Wembley tickets overnight in freezing temperatures!