Stamford Slag Spotting

As a footballer, when you have something to celebrate, who should your first phone call be to? Family, friends, or even close rivals to gloat? Wrong, wrong, wrong, you’ve just failed Football 101. The correct answer is of course, a load of former Big Brother whores, and with progression to the Champions League semi-finals to glory in, Chelsea players including John Terry, Joe Cole and Frank Lampard, did exactly that. Top-class girls Chantelle Houghton and Chanelle Hayes therefore went out on the lash with them in London’s Funky Buddha nightclub two nights ago, along with other such luminaries as cricketer Kevin Pieterson and egg-chaser Matt Stevens. Also in attendance was professional nobody Calum Best, who seems to have thankfully finally stopped telling people he’s good enough to play league football, but just doesn’t want to. Someone had clearly taken recent exception to him however, as the self-proclaimed ‘hunk’ was actually sporting a black-eye on the night. Conspicuous by his absence however was the somewhat emasculated Ashley Cole, who was presumably back home rubbing Cheryl’s feet and pleading to get the key to the box that she keeps his testicles in.

Anyway, everyone’s favourite orange pair of blow-up dolls seem to have forged quite a friendship of late, easily hurdling the confusion that their similar sounding names was expected to cause between them. It has been suggested that combined they have sucked off literally every single registered Premier League star, however STT is yet to confirm such libellous and completely unfair claims. While expand-a-chest Chantelle (originally famous for not being famous right; why couldn’t she have stayed that way?) is happily enjoying a relationship with Jennifer Ellison's ex-boyfriend, it was Chanelle who was basically flying solo in need of a publicity boost…I mean, new date. Unfortunately for the Posh wannabe however, there weresurprisingly no takers, and she left as she’d arrived, alone with Chantelle. I’d love to know exactly what her tactics are in these situations, and whether she is actually prepared to waste time talking to anyone who isn’t a footballer. One expects her desperation to have almost bottomed out now but this week’s performance shows no signs of her taking the hint to just fuck off.

The undoubted highlight of the night however involved someone you’ve probably never heard of, junior Chelsea goalkeeper Lenny Pidgeley, currently on loan at Milwall. The 18-year-old clearly got a little bit too excited at the sight of actual real-life girls, drank his bodyweight in shots, and then had to be unceremoniously thrown out of the club by unamused bouncers. Note the third bouncer holding him by what looks like his yoghurt-chucker. What a hero.