Sniffing The Touchline: Friend or Defoe

As a footballer, you know things are bad when you struggle to bed a girl who’s not only blond and had a tit-job, but was also originally made famous by Big Brother; they practically come with the Premier League shirt. So maybe spare a small amount of sympathy of STT’s favourite running joke Jermain Defoe, who not only seems to have lost his scoring touch with Portsmouth, but also with the ladies too.

In the grand scale of things, losing out on a wristy from Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace down the alley behind Funky Buddha isn’t exactly a ‘problem’ as such, but to Jermain this is the equivalent of not being able to pay your rent or getting made redundant as a result of the economic crunch. After being chucked by rent-a-slag hotties Danielle Lloyd and Charlotte Mears, Jermain has reportedly been keen to throw a shot in another so-called ‘party girl’ for a while now, choosing the third runner-up from 2007’s BB as the, ahem, luck lady. But pals of Aisleyne say that despite the Pompey striker’s continuing efforts, they will never be more than friends. Rumours that Aisleyne is reluctant to risk the great relationship of heart-to-heart phone calls and intellectual banter they currently have are yet to be substantiated, but given Jermain’s fine history, what girl wouldn’t want him as a shoulder to cry on in times of need? If I was a girl and had just been dumped by my bastard of a celebrity boyfriend, he would undoubtedly be my first port of call, mainly because he definitely wouldn’t still try to have sex with my sleeping body.

An unnamed gal pal of the alleged model told The Sun today: “Jermain’s been chasing her for a while to no avail. He’s always trying it on with her and she’s always having to brush him off.” So I know what you’re thinking: for Aisleyne to turn down Defoe, there must be someone else pretty special she has her eye on, and you’d be right. His name is David ‘Hayemaker’ Haye, and is the current undisputed world cruiserweight boxing champion. He’s generally pretty nails: out of 22 professional fights in cruiserweight and heavyweight divisions, he’s won 21, and all but one of those were by straight knockout. The same allusive gal pal continued: “David Haye is much more (Aisleyne’s) type – she prefers the build of a boxer and doesn't want to be a WAG. (She) made it clear who she preferred after a few drinks last night. That didn’t stop Jemain trying his luck when David went to the toilet though!”