16 April, 2008

Mascot of the Week 18

Name – Moonchester

Affiliation – Manchester City

Colour – Sky Blue

Animal – Extra-terrestrial Biological Entity

Missile Most Commonly Pelted with – Ikea catalogues

Ok try to keep up: Moonchester is originally from the moon right, but crashed in Manchester during an ill-fated sight-seeing trip with his better half, and thus the clever name ‘Moonchester’ was born. Originally he wanted ‘Madchester,’ but unfortunately by the mid-90s the ship had sailed on that one, so the plucky alien (real name Agamemnon) accepted the weak pun and went about setting up house in the tough Moss Side area with interstellar WAG Moonbeam.

The pair unsurprisingly attracted some attention in the crime capital of North England, but armed with their trusty ray guns, more than held their own amongst the drug dealers and the gyro-scum. It wasn’t long before Moonchester was even making a play for power himself, eliminating the local competition as he established a galactic vice ring, flying in the universe’s top totty from as far afield as Mercury to fulfil the collective Mancunian lust for tentacle porn. Similarly exploiting a connection from an old school friend, he was able to get access to the best crack cocaine stores this side of the Milky Way, trafficking it by the tonne into our atmosphere from Europa and Io undetected.

It was in 1995 that Moonchester met a kindred spirit in a man known mysteriously only as ‘the Red Devil,’ and together they set out to take control of the whole city. Moonbeam could “feel it in her waters” that something wasn’t right about the red saucer-faced foot soldier, but his story checked out from Long Beach Larry, so within a year he was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant within the Moonchester cartel. On the eve of another major shipment to cover the busy Christmas period, the Red Devil went missing, but despite protests from Moonbeam that it was a sting, Moonchester continued with the plan. He walked right into a trap, orchestrated by undercover MI6 agent Red, a man he had trusted with his life, but thankfully the Moons were astute enough to teleport out of the shipping warehouse just in time to avoid arrest. Altogether, police and government authorities pressed charges on 36 affiliates of Moonchester, but to this day still have open warrants for the two Kingpins.

Subscribers to the hide-in-plain-sight school of criminal relocation, Moonchester and Moonbeam were able to secure jobs working as novelty acts at Manchester City after seeing that the Red Devil had been re-assigned undercover at the city’s other football club, Manchester United. There they are biding their time for revenge like scorpians hiding in trouser pockets, safe in the knowledge that no-one apart from Red ever saw their faces, and having stung him with the old memory eraser from Men In Black at the first Manchester derby, they will remain anonymous until the time is right…

In the meantime, they are also available for kids’ parties, community functions and weddings.

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