New Kid on the Block

It was only a matter of time before little Theo Woolcott got himself a bird and she starting opening her mouth to the press. However she seems to already have real delusions of grandeur because, at just age 19, she feels she can break the WAG mould. Almost two years now, speaking to the News of the World before World Cup 2006 where she helped Theo make the team sandwiches and drinks at half-time, she was clearly keen to make friends, and said of the WAG patrol: “They're all lovely girls who just want to have fun and support their men.” When asked to speak on the so-called leaders of pack, she went on to describe Posh as “definitely a role model and someone to look up to,” Cheryl as “very beautiful and friendly,” and Frank Lampard’s fiance Elen Rives as “the funniest woman … always coming out with mad things and she’s really good fun.”

Now however she has an FHM shoot under her belt, and has had a sudden and dramatic change of heart. In the accompanying interview, printed in the June issue of the magazine, she says: “I hate the stereotype - the shopping all day long, the short dresses and massive sunglasses. Advertisement

"I would never want to be associated with those women.” Miouw! The illustrious Ms Slade then went on to say she doesn’t want to “wear designer clothes and have expensive haircuts and manicures, (but) do my own thing.” So instead of helping Alex Curran and Coleen buy diamonds, she’s planning to go to St George’s University in London to study physiotherapy; a noble attempt to pay lip-service to the fact that with Theo’s pay package she actually has to work.

She continued to even slam the fringe girls in a display of unforeseen vitriol: “The wannabes who are so desperate to sleep with a footballer have no respect for themselves, no ambition, nothing. And I don't see why a footballer would want to be with them either.” Well Melanie, footballers want to be with them because they’ve got big cans and put out if you buy them dinner, but you can kinda see her point here. As much as we like watching Chanelle and her other Big Brother slag-bags tart themselves around, you can’t help but feel it’s a little bit sad. Only a touch mind, because at the end of the day I’d rather watch them have a bitch fight in essentially just lingerie than listen to this Melanie Slade moan. She went on to say that the couple are so snobby towards the WAG scene that “when we have an argument Theo accuses me of being waggy, a real insult.” With this kind of unprovoked rage, something is up so I give it less than a year before she’s broken up with Woolcott and is caught snogging Danielle Lloyd in the toilets at China White.