Beckham Credits England Recall to Scientology

You felt it had to happen sooner or later but today David Beckham has officially announced his conversion to Scientology, even dedicating his landmark 100^th England cap last week to Xenu, the ancient alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy to whom many of the religion’s facets are traced back to. Reportedly the million year old space-deity (think Bowser from the Super Mario games) visited Beckham in a dream and said that if he followed his prophet, he would get all his heart desired.

Supposedly Becks came properly into contact with the religion after getting stuck in a lift for 8 hours with new convert Pete Doherty, and the pair are now keen to become major figureheads for the religion in this country. Since the early days of the Spice Girls, Posh has famously been a practicing Satanist and so all just assumed that husband David had followed in her footsteps and pledged his soul to the dark master for a shot at fame too. This latest revelation however casts doubt on the whole relationship, as Scientologists are not exactly renowned for playing well with others. “Satanism isn’t even a real religion,” founder L. Ron Hubbard exclaimed in an early manifesto, “in fact it’s borderline science-fiction, dreamt up by some nutjob fifty years ago when his trashy novels failed to find a decent market, even in the intellectually devoid United States!”

Quite how Beckham intends to pursue this new-found fascination is yet to be seen, although since he has apparently already read and digested the 3,000 recorded lectures that make up the religious canon, it goes without says that he’s in it for the long haul now. Oldest son Brooklyn is reportedly “dead proud” of his father, and even helped him understand some of the more complex parts of the works. Building on the core belief that “man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses,” David has also claimed that he is the reincarnated spirit of Lisa ‘Left-Eye’ Lopes, who bizarrely died less than ten years ago.

What is clear is this: Tom Cruise is out of control and must be stopped. STT is happy to sit on it’s hands while the pint-sized wierdo ruins all the great American actors from the 80s, but draws the line at the Beckhams. Sure they’re not too bright but they’re ours! A scheme is in it’s early stages of inception at the moment, but to avoid Cruise discovering the plot, details must be kept to a minimum. Suffice to say though it involves a tranquiliser gun, an novelty butterfly net, and a huge one of those traps used in Ghostbusters.

“I talked with him (Tom Cruise) for about an hour last night and an hour the night before,” Beckham said at a news conference held when his deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy was announced last year. “I asked him for his advice again last week. He said that if I stared at the swirling pattern hard enough and listened the strange chanting tape I would wake up a different man,” he continued. “It certainly worked because the next morning I woke up face down on his sofa having signed over my entire family’s image rights.” This only fuels speculation that Posh Spice is planning to make her Hollywood debut in a classy movie lined up on Cruise production slate, The Thetan. Taking it’s title from corner-stone belief of Scientology, the film will supposedly show Posh channeling many people’s spirits into her own in order to reach The Bridge to Freedom. Controversy has understandably surrounded this project since day one, but in a statement today Posh was eager to denounce rumours that it is basically “alien-autopsy porn.”