01 April, 2008

Big Show Rio

With Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather having successfully entered the WWF ring this past weekend and actually defeated Paul ‘The Big Show’ Wight, it seems that all kinds of contenders are now coming out of the woodwork. Advertised as “the world’s biggest athlete,” The Big Show stands at an impressive 7’1” tall and weighs a ridiculous 440 pounds, presumably of pure American junk-food…sorry, I mean muscle. He has won world titles in all the major wrestling federations using his signature Choke Slam move, and has famously feuded with such luminaries as The Rock, Big Boss Man and ‘The Game’ Triple H. As with many wrestlers these days, he has also found time to make waves in Hollywood, and his most famous role to date occurred in Arnie’s classic Jingle All the Way where he played a mysterious character known only as Huge Santa.

News broke in the press today though of Manchester United and England star Rio Ferdinand now fancying his chances of taking The Big Show down, buoyed on by the ease with which Mayweather (a man referred to as a “pussy” by people’s champion Rio) floored the giant. A long-time WWF fan, Rio continued to describe his desire to compete in the squared circle and has even come up with the two most important factors to joining the sport already; a name and some kick-ass entrance music. When his challenge is accepted by The Big Show, Rio will transform into his alter-ego, Mercurial (because he will, like, MERC U 4 REAL), and begin training during the England player’s lucky period of time off this summer. For something dramatic to accompany his walk to the ring, Rio got some help from his brother Anton, and the two of them have cooked up a double-time speed garage track that the pair claim is the fastest beat audible to the human ear. The track currently runs at a insanity-inspiring 390 bpm, but the Ferdinands claim there is still more space for the speed to be knocked up a couple more notches if necessary.

Critics say that Rio might not have what it takes to physically compete with a man who weighs more than the entire Man United front-six put together but as ever, Rio is fearless. When asked about his tactics, he claimed that he will simply target The Big Show’s “glass jaw,” as he calls it, and the victory will almost certainly be his. Failing that, he has a further couple of aces up his sleeve apparently, with training lined up in May and June at the martial arts school of None of that Jackie Chan Bullshit, based in Bethnal Green. Here he will learn the ancient art of ‘windmilling’ while also given a brief working overview of how to make a set of car keys, or handful of pound coins, count in a fight.

While not officially announced yet, you can look forward to this match-up taking place at the WWF’s second most-prestigious flagship event, SummerSlam. Rumours that Rio will quit football altogether to pursue a career in wrestling should he knock The Big Show out are yet to be confirmed, but reading between the lines, it’s definitely on the cards.