Supermarket Catwalk

Bizarrely there are teenage girls around the country who actually aspire to be Coleen McLoughlin. Not in a wow-she’s-so-lucky-to-be-with-a-hottie-like-Wayne-Rooney kind of way, but in the frankly terrifying (not to mention depressing) sense that she’s a role model for girls growing up. Rather than wanting to be a doctor or a lawyer, for example, thousands of girls would prefer to hook up with as aspiring footballer in an attempt to ride their coat-tails into the celebrity circuit where they’re free to pursue, ahem, modelling careers of their own. It’s not a new problem, but it’s certainly a constantly irksome one.

Don’t get me wrong though, this isn’t Coleen’s fault at all, and if anything she’s consistently tried to play down her own fame in comparison to the yearly selection of Big Brother tarts and Pop Idol rejects, instead concentrating on slightly more lofty, and shall we say, ‘social’ projects. She embraced the role of ambassador for the common woman (not in an insulting way), and some magazines even call her a style icon to the average girl in the face of other British celebrities who pride themselves on designer labels and exclusive bespoke jewellery (otherwise known as ‘tat’).

Terrible news today then that the premier fashion outlet for gyro-scum, Asda, has axed our Coleen as the face of their ‘George’ range. Putting aside the bizarre decision to call their women’s range a sexually-ambiguous name (not all trannies can afford Asda clothes you know), this strikes STT as a terrible move. For some reason, the supermarket chain no longer wants the “WAG image” for its clothing line, and according to the press release, instead is seeking “a more glamorous look.” So who are they turning to in this time of crisis, you might ask? Strangely the number one choice is Carla Bruni, wife of the current French President. Not wanting to cast wild generalisations, but do they really think that anyone who actually buys clothes from Asda is going to know who the hell she is?

Asda spokesman Ed Watson said of the French ex-model: “She’s very attractive and a highly stylish person. We feel she would fit in very well with the George look.” Er, have you not actually seen the ‘George look’ Mr Watson? I’ve heard of creative advertising, but when most of the stuff looks like it was found in the bin at a blind school, surely this is a case for trading standards. He continued to say that in recent months George sales have stalled as Coleen has been spotted in more designer brands, presumably such as Matalan, Umbro and Madhouse. Carla Bruni has previously modelled for Guess Jeans, Chanel, Versace and YSL, so I guess it’s understandable how the Asda vacancy might tempt her to come out of retirement.