Eyes Like Piss-Holes in the Snow

The Sun has printed a fantastic Lock, Stock-esque story involving Steven Gerrard, career ending threats from a mysterious man known awesomely only as “The Psycho,” and a Liverpuddlian gangster ‘fixer’ who supposedly saved the Scouse star. John Kinsella, 43, “sorted out” Gerrard’s little problem having been contacted by the player’s father Paul after The Psycho threatened to shoot Steven in the legs. This campaign of terror reportedly also included attempted extortion, the vandalism of Gerrard’s car, and also a terrifying chase home from training one night. The menacing threats stopped however when the underworld illuminati Kinsella was contacted by Paul Gerrard, and the former boxer and martial arts expert was said to have “put the frighteners” on The Psycho and presumably less-coolly-nicknamed pals.

The story broke during a court case this week, where Kinsella produced a letter from Paul Gerrard as a character reference, describing the “total respect” he and Steven have for the supposed mob ‘problem-solver.’

Printed in the newspaper today, the letter reads:

“I would like to say that in 2001 my son Steven was being terrorised by a notorious Liverpool gangster known as ‘The Psycho’ who was threatening to maim my son by shooting him in the legs. Also he was trying to extort a large amount of money from Steven. We immediately contacted the police and asked for protection. This went on for a long time, during which Steven’s car was smashed up and the gangster chased him while he was driving home from training. We were introduced by a friend to John Kinsella. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare. We have never had any more problems from the Liverpool underworld. Steven and I have total respect for John.”

The case in question involves Kinsella (pictured) and three other men being accused of taking part in a £41,000 robbery of a haulage depot in Grantham, so by no stretch of the imagination is this guy Kinsella a modern day Batman. He does seem to have done the right thing here however, as no-one called The Psycho can be good news. Unsurprisingly Gerrard was unavailable for comment on this story, but since he appears to have not been shot in the legs, we can only assume that either this is all complete fabrication, or The Psycho and his friends have been ‘disappeared.’ Permanently.