Crouching Tiger, Hidden Catfight

It’s funny how just a day after we mention former Big Brother expand-a-chest Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace fir the first time on STT, she gets her beak wet supposedly fighting one of our favourite regular WAGs, the delectable Abbey Clancy. In case you didn’t get the e-vite, yesterday was Peter Crouch’s birthday party, and unhampered by the prospect of actually playing any football in the near future, he was free to party down here in London at the swanky Valmont Club in Chelsea. It was riotously boozy affair by all accounts, with it kicking off just after midnight as Ms Clancy ended up in tears after allegedly getting involved in a nasty slanging match with the horse-faced Aisleyne. An unnamed source reportedly heard the normally-serene reality TV contestant hurl the following insult at our Abbey: “I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse-fucker,” but this might just as easily have been made up on the spot for pure comedic value.

The histrionics continued, according to another anonymous fellow clubber: “Abbey was really drunk and stormed out into the smoking area in tears. Crouch also looked a bit worse for wear and followed her in an attempt to calm her down, though she reacted badly and was not at all happy with the striker.” By “reacted badly” this informant actually meant, she slapped the Liverpool-bench-warmer-but-England-starter in the face (presumably borrowing a step-ladder or at least a stack of Yellow Pages) and left via the club’s back entrance, but as the accompanying pictures show, the pair seemed to have patched things up by the time a taxi arrived to whisk them off to the Ritz, or wherever footballers stay in the City.

Abbey’s faithful gal pals were overheard by staff questioning her about a heated conversation she was see having with Aisleyne, who apparently set her sights on the 6’7” striker just one day after snubbing 5’6” midget Jermain Defoe in favour of boxing type David Haye. It was this confrontation that apparently led to the red mist descending for Abbey, and as Aisleyne was leaving the club, a girlfriend of hers was recorded shouting: “I can't believe Abbey Clancey was trying to fucking start with you.” It’s pretty articulate, and leaves us wondering to the exact meaning, but the implication seems to be that Aisleyne is ready to throw down if Abbey gets up in her grill again. Almost as much as I’d like to Jermain Defoe put through a window by The Hayemaker, I’d quite like Abbey to unleash the Scouse eye-scratching beast on Aisleyne. I’d say she’d ruin that pretty face of hers, but that would just be a lie; any above-neck damage Abbey could inflict would undoubtedly be an improvement.