Ram Raid

It’s pretty treacherous being a Liverpool player these days. In case you haven’t been receiving updates from the police scanner over the last couple of years, almost half of the entire squad now have been the victims of break-ins at their palatial residences. The latest to be violated is everyone’s favourite waste of space Jermaine Pennant, as the mansion he shares with the delectable Amii Grove was targeted two nights ago by thieves in the night.

The Liverpool winger was apparently sleeping in his mansion on a bed of money when he heard two loud crashes outside. Upon closer inspection, he saw yobs trying to smash their car through the posh electric gates protecting the property. Ever the hero, Pennant leapt up out of bed, grabbed a torch, and went to confront the robbers dressed only in pink bunny ears and a coconut-shell bra. The car sped off, but moments later crashed into a nearby property where it was abandoned. The police genuinely scrambled a helicopter to search for the perpetrators, can you believe that? Gee, it’s nice being famous isn’t it Jermaine?

A streetwise police source said: “It was a well-drilled and audacious crime, and it’s a miracle no-one was hurt. After petrol bombing the car in a field the men sped off in another car in convoy so they clearly knew what they were doing. The victims are understandably quite shook up by the whole experience. Police are probing whether it is connected with similar attacks on Liverpool players in the area.” The filth reckon that the thieves had targeted Pennant’s sports car collection, although secretly we think this was all just an elaborate ruse to get hold of a couple of pairs of his missus’ undercrackers.

A visibly disturbed (i.e. clothed) Amii offered this gush: “Jermaine jumped out of bed and ran down the landing. He has no fear. He saw headlights through the gates, then shouted, ‘Call the police!’ Luckily, by the time he got there these people had raced off. Jermaine was really brave, but that’s the way he is.” Brave yes, literate no. Sorry, that was a cheap shot.

As this two year crime-spree continues, Pennant joins Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger, Pepe Reina, Peter Crouch, Jerzey Dudek and young Brazilian Lucas Leiva as unfortunate victims of this modern day Robin Hood. Poor Lucas is still complaining after thieves took an Olympic bronze medal, some Brazil shirts and a huge “swag bag full of treasured memories.” It’s ok Lucas, you’re a professional footballer, there’s plenty of time to make more sex tapes.

Tiny Timms

Ex-Manchester City trainee goalkeeper Ashley Timms found himself in an unnecessary world of hurt today as he was sentenced to 20 months in jail after attempted to blackmail an unnamed former colleague for £15,000 over a sex video. Timms, from Greater Manchester, made a series of threats to publish certain evocative images from the tape, involving the footballer and a woman engaged in sex at his home, if he was not paid the cash. Timms pleaded guilty to making a series of unwarranted demands with menaces last month, and was today officially jailed at Manchester Crown Court after admitting the crime.

Passing sentence, Judge Andrew Gilbart said: “Blackmail always calls for a custodial sentence. The abuse of your friendship for simple greed is an aggravating feature. This was a calculated attempt to extract money for your own benefit,” he concluded. “It is depressing that in a society where there is supposed to be more sexual freedom some popular newspapers and magazines continue to dress their interest in it as some form of moral indignation,” he continued to moralise, “when what they are actually doing is making money from their readers' interest in sex and salacious gossip.” Sorry, Mr/Lord/Whatever Gilbart, but where have you been for the last decade? Honestly what else do you expect from the media and the footballing crowd in this country??

According to a pal of Timms, he and the anonymous player in question had become friends over time, and were part of a ‘fantasy world’ of fast cars, money and girls. This faceless tipster continued: “(Timms) used to be really good friends with the player involved – they were like brothers.” The court also heard that part of this so-called ‘brotherhood’ these days is the videoing of footballers involved in sex with girls, described as “commonplace” by the not-at-all-jealous prosecuting barrister, David Friesner. He further described Timms using his mobile phone to video the international footballer having sex with a 19-year-old woman at the player’s home last September, but as they drifted apart due to Timms’ his poor attitude and subsequent sacking, he got greedy and cynically tried to milk the star for all he was worth.

So, bets on who this mysterious international footballing star is? Hmmm…tough one…definitely not the one young English player in the Manchester City set-up who already has a history of filming himself hanging out the back of cheap tarts…

Eyes Like Piss-Holes in the Snow

The Sun has printed a fantastic Lock, Stock-esque story involving Steven Gerrard, career ending threats from a mysterious man known awesomely only as “The Psycho,” and a Liverpuddlian gangster ‘fixer’ who supposedly saved the Scouse star. John Kinsella, 43, “sorted out” Gerrard’s little problem having been contacted by the player’s father Paul after The Psycho threatened to shoot Steven in the legs. This campaign of terror reportedly also included attempted extortion, the vandalism of Gerrard’s car, and also a terrifying chase home from training one night. The menacing threats stopped however when the underworld illuminati Kinsella was contacted by Paul Gerrard, and the former boxer and martial arts expert was said to have “put the frighteners” on The Psycho and presumably less-coolly-nicknamed pals.

The story broke during a court case this week, where Kinsella produced a letter from Paul Gerrard as a character reference, describing the “total respect” he and Steven have for the supposed mob ‘problem-solver.’

Printed in the newspaper today, the letter reads:

“I would like to say that in 2001 my son Steven was being terrorised by a notorious Liverpool gangster known as ‘The Psycho’ who was threatening to maim my son by shooting him in the legs. Also he was trying to extort a large amount of money from Steven. We immediately contacted the police and asked for protection. This went on for a long time, during which Steven’s car was smashed up and the gangster chased him while he was driving home from training. We were introduced by a friend to John Kinsella. John then reassured me and my family he would resolve our nightmare. We have never had any more problems from the Liverpool underworld. Steven and I have total respect for John.”

The case in question involves Kinsella (pictured) and three other men being accused of taking part in a £41,000 robbery of a haulage depot in Grantham, so by no stretch of the imagination is this guy Kinsella a modern day Batman. He does seem to have done the right thing here however, as no-one called The Psycho can be good news. Unsurprisingly Gerrard was unavailable for comment on this story, but since he appears to have not been shot in the legs, we can only assume that either this is all complete fabrication, or The Psycho and his friends have been ‘disappeared.’ Permanently.