Rising to the Occasion

Over the last couple of weeks one youngster’s name has kept reverberating around the office: Jerson Dos Santos. For those not in the know (i.e. those with lives) he a 17-year-old prodigy who is famous for the fact that two years ago he had never played football before, and now he has had trials with the likes of Fulham, Portsmouth, and er, Norwich. This begs the question of how could he have managed to avoid playing football until the age of 15 growing up, as he did, in Portugal, while also infuriating many hard-working youth-team players who have fought for years to secure professional football club trials without success.

Playing last season in Conference South side Sutton United’s youth and reserves teams, the teenage striker fired in more than 30 goals in his first year with the club. With their recent abundance of highly-rated and exciting youthful talent, Crystal Palace are heading the race for his signature after he linked up with them earlier this week. Dos Santos featured in Palace's second string friendly with Dagenham & Redbridge on Wednesday and impressed manager Neil Warnock so much that he is continuing to train with the side, undoubtedly eying a potential deal after quitting Sutton this week. Agent Tony Finnigan told skysports.com: “I have seen and helped a number of players come from non-league football in recent years. He is currently at Crystal Palace and to be honest it would be a great move for him to go there, they have a young and talented squad and you know if you do well there you will get your chance.”

Ok, so all of you readers over the age of 17 out there, how depressing is this story? I’m sure you, like me, have battled with mediocrity for years playing with various teams, and now there’s this kid who’s 17, been playing the game for two years and has already trained with the likes of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Talent. Having passed the age where Ian Wright was coincidentally spotted on Hackney Marshes a couple of years ago, this latest story just compounds the realization that maybe, just maybe, I won’t actually make it as a professional footballer. I guess I’ll just have to concentrate all my energy into getting the band that record deal then…

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Catfight

It’s funny how just a day after we mention former Big Brother expand-a-chest Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace fir the first time on STT, she gets her beak wet supposedly fighting one of our favourite regular WAGs, the delectable Abbey Clancy. In case you didn’t get the e-vite, yesterday was Peter Crouch’s birthday party, and unhampered by the prospect of actually playing any football in the near future, he was free to party down here in London at the swanky Valmont Club in Chelsea. It was riotously boozy affair by all accounts, with it kicking off just after midnight as Ms Clancy ended up in tears after allegedly getting involved in a nasty slanging match with the horse-faced Aisleyne. An unnamed source reportedly heard the normally-serene reality TV contestant hurl the following insult at our Abbey: “I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse-fucker,” but this might just as easily have been made up on the spot for pure comedic value.

The histrionics continued, according to another anonymous fellow clubber: “Abbey was really drunk and stormed out into the smoking area in tears. Crouch also looked a bit worse for wear and followed her in an attempt to calm her down, though she reacted badly and was not at all happy with the striker.” By “reacted badly” this informant actually meant, she slapped the Liverpool-bench-warmer-but-England-starter in the face (presumably borrowing a step-ladder or at least a stack of Yellow Pages) and left via the club’s back entrance, but as the accompanying pictures show, the pair seemed to have patched things up by the time a taxi arrived to whisk them off to the Ritz, or wherever footballers stay in the City.

Abbey’s faithful gal pals were overheard by staff questioning her about a heated conversation she was see having with Aisleyne, who apparently set her sights on the 6’7” striker just one day after snubbing 5’6” midget Jermain Defoe in favour of boxing type David Haye. It was this confrontation that apparently led to the red mist descending for Abbey, and as Aisleyne was leaving the club, a girlfriend of hers was recorded shouting: “I can't believe Abbey Clancey was trying to fucking start with you.” It’s pretty articulate, and leaves us wondering to the exact meaning, but the implication seems to be that Aisleyne is ready to throw down if Abbey gets up in her grill again. Almost as much as I’d like to Jermain Defoe put through a window by The Hayemaker, I’d quite like Abbey to unleash the Scouse eye-scratching beast on Aisleyne. I’d say she’d ruin that pretty face of hers, but that would just be a lie; any above-neck damage Abbey could inflict would undoubtedly be an improvement.

Girls are Better Without Clothes On

If like STT you prefer your women cheap and scantily clad then we have a real treat for you, especially with Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching this week. She doesn’t know it, but we have teamed up with our second favourite WAG, Abbey Clancy, to point you in the right direction for cut-price slutty underwear to ensure that at least one night a year you peel your bird’s clothes off to find something other than a vest and old boxer-shorts.

Yes we are pleased to announce that the future Mrs Crouch is now the, er, face of Matalan’s 2008 Lingerie campaign! For those unfamiliar with the Matalan chain, they are pretty scummy American-style superstores where you can buy literally everything from multi-pack crisps to school uniforms for your 8 kids to DVD players all under the same roof.

The press release excitedly tells me that this new lingerie range is “very cute, sexy and cheap, with sets from just £4!” As you can see from the below picture however, it’s not exactly executive, and in fact makes the normally heavenly Abbey look a bit ropey, but at the end of the day 4 squid is 4 squid. What did she expect, diamonds?!

Girls always bang on about it being the thought that counts anyway, so respond to any negative feedback with these words, taken straight from the mouth of our Ms Clancy: “They’re so cute and so cheap you could buy loads and wear one set every hour!” Sage advice as ever.

Be Happy for Abbey Clancy

In a torrid week for WAG afficiandos, with news of a Cole/Tweedy break-up and a Defoe/Lloyd one also on the cards, STT is pleased to now bring you some gentle reassurance that all is well with at least one footballer’s girlfriend. Last night Abbey Clancy stole the spotlight in a classy black gown at the Cystic Fibrosis Live Charity Event in London, rubbing shoulders with the underwhelming likes of Natalie Imbruglia and David Walliams, who in a further bid to prove his herterosexuality, brought his mum as his guest.

However, Abbey is keen to prove that there any many more strings to her bow than just looking pretty in a dress. She is also keen to prove that she also has a great rack and is due to soon sign on as the new, ahem, ‘face’ of Ultimo lingerie, following in the illustrious, er, ‘footsteps’ of Rachel Hunter, Penny Lancaster and Sarah Harding. The Sun had this brain-meltingly moronic contribution to add: “Abbey certainly has at least two qualities that make her perfect for the job!”

So she looks pretty in a posh frock and has a cracking set of sweater furniture, most girls would be happy to settle for that, but not our Abbey. Before finding fame on reality TV show ‘Britain’s Next Top Model,’ Ms Clancy apparently sang with struggling pop act Genie Queen, and it seems she is now eager to re-capture this glory. She is currently working with self-professed “music guru” (i.e. “twat”) Gordon Charlton at Universal records, as the pair plan an assault on the charts by looking for songs that sound like ‘early Madonna,’ an insider excitedly told STT today.

Be afraid people. As much as I love her, the idea of her caustic Scouse pitch banging out 80s bubblegum pop kind of makes me die a little inside. Does anyone know if you can file a court order to actually ban someone from opening their mouth unless specifically requested otherwise?!

Definitely not just an excuse to post pictures of her

For all of you out there waiting on tenterhooks to find out exactly how well Abbey Clancy’s acting career is going out in Hollywood, look no further because STT has had an exclusive update from the lady herself. Flying out to L.A. under a pseudonym, we were able to track down Ms Clancy through receipts one of our recon experts had found in a restaurant bin. He was then able to position himself in a plant pot at said restaurant, and then it was just a matter of playing the waiting game.

62 days, 13 hours and 58 minutes later, she finally returned, and conveniently sat at a table right next to our (now malnourished and somewhat feral) reporter. What follows therefore is an exclusive excerpt from a conversation we overheard between the future Mrs Peter Crouch, and her agent.

We can reveal that she has shockingly been advised to lose her Liverpudlian accent if she wants to really make it as a model / actress / singer / coke-slut in the US scene. The busty lingerie wet-dream revealed to her agent that many people in the industry have claimed that they are unable to understand her lyrical Scouse twang, and so she has since been forced to take elocution class to learn, quote, “how to pronounce words correctly and stuff.” Succinct as ever.

Don’t listen to them Abbey, they don’t know what their talking about! They spell ‘colour’ wrong and call pavement a ‘sidewalk’ and everything!

Many thanks to FHM Magazine for not agreeing to let us post these pictures up by the way, Nuts or Zoo would’ve been down.


UPDATE 1: The lovely naughty pictures of Abbey have mysteriously disappeared from this post. STT's team of codemonkeys are working on this as we speak, but probably want to go down the pub instead. It is possible they are so hot, the interwebz itself has popped a million boners and has ceased to function as we know it.