I’ll Cut You First Blud

You don’t need me to tell you El-Hadji Diouf is nasty piece of work, and the cynical amongst you will probably suggest that his quick-fire move from Sunderland to Blackburn last week might’ve been predicated on some kind of falling out with the Maccams’ staff. And you would be right too! This is just a harmless bit of spitting or drink-driving though; this time Diouf really excelled himself by having a fight with Anton Ferdinand and threatening to actually stab him. What a lovely guy!

The bust-up took place at a post-match meal following Sunderland’s 1 - 0 midweek win against Fulham. A secretive ‘senior’ player told The Sun: “It was worse than anything I have ever seen and when they were pulled apart El-Hadji shouted that he would stick Anton with a knife.” Never one to let sleeping dogs lie, Diouf ensured that the bust-up continued the next day in training, leaving boss Ricky Sbragia no choice but to sell the Senegal striker to Blackburn the next day.

Another mysteriously unnamed source said the pair accused each other of a lack of effort on the field, and then the tear-up continued after the game in the dressing room: “It started during the game but El-Hadji clearly felt it wasn’t finished. It all kicked off. But the fight escalated extremely quickly and became very violent. At first we thought it was best to let them get it out of their system. But it became so vicious we feared that Anton could end up with serious injuries and El-Hadji was pulled off him. The squad was left stunned by what we had witnessed. Nobody spoke. None of us were surprised when we heard El-Hadji had been sold to Blackburn.”

In an ironic twist, Anton’s better-looking brother Rio is a well-known campaigner against knife crime, launching a truly successful anti-weapons initiative in London last year called ‘Respect your life, not a knife.’ Catchy, eh?

Merc’Em Magazine

When I heard that Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole were bankrolling a hot new British movie starring Danny Dyer I literally shot my load. Never one to rest on his laurels however, Rio has rightly seen this is a jump-off point for his media empire, with a new online magazine called Rio next up in his grand scheme for world domination.

Sure, on the surface this is a pure vanity project where Rio shows you how rich he is and how many cool famous friends he can stand next to long enough for a photo to be taken, but in reality it is so much more. He promises it will be “packed full of music, fashion, film and sport,” which sounds pretty incredible in my humble opinion. Reports suggest that he has been jetting all over the world to record such thrilling content as amusing virals (please more WORLD CUP WIND Up-esque action Rio!) and non-self-indulgent interviews with stars such as 50 Cent.

The magazine goes ‘live’ next month but quite who it’s aimed at is anyone’s guess. Personally I cannot see what is essentially just a catalogue of what makes Rio his unique self appealing to anyone except his brother and the mentally deficient. So just the mentally deficient then, and we all know how much they struggle with the internet…

More Over Dreamworks

We at STT take great pleasure when football crosses over into cinema, mainly because the results tend to be just so ridiculous. This is no exception.

Constructing my perfect movie, there are certain elements that must be there: clever pun in the title, East End of London setting, larger-than-life ‘gangstas,’ ex-convict-trying-to-go-straight-but-only-after-this-final-job narrative, an incongruous appearance by an American rapper, Danny Dyer playing Danny Dyer, and Executive Producer credits for Premier League footballers. In case you haven’t guessed, this latest effort from director Alex de Rakoff (writer / director of something called The Calcium Kid which amusingly starred Orlando Bloom as a boxer) ticks literally every box.

So, here are the specifics: the flick is called DEAD MAN RUNNING, started shooting today down the road from my actual manor in Stepney, London, and stars Danny Dyer as an ex-con who has to raise £100,000 in 24 hours to pay off a loan shark, brilliantly cast as 50 Cent. According to industry gossip, Dyer “races from the dog tracks of East London to the drug scene of Manchester in order to raise the money, playing as fast and dirty as he has to in order to get the money before the deadline.” I’m out of breath just reading that.

And pulling the strings behind this masterpiece is the dream team of Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole, who were apparently rinsed for a couple of million each to finance this abortion. Strange that they should choose to pump their hard-earned moolah into something that will probably make Rise of the Foot Soldier look like The Long Good Friday though. With their combined intellect and cultural awareness, wouldn’t you expect them instead to bankroll a modern interpretation of Petronius’ incomplete Roman existential novel The Satyricon?

You know, this would all be hilarious if it wasn’t just so ultimately depressing for myriad reasons. First and foremost, what must other British filmmakers think of the continuing slew of sub-Guy Ritchie crap? It’s a sad state of affairs when someone as talented as Shane Meadows has to grovel at the feet of Eurostar to finance his latest picture, and yet these two idiots can get anything made by snapping their fingers, just because they want to meet 50 Cent.

The worst part of this whole debacle though is that the settings of London and Manchester have clearly not been chosen at random, and I fully expect cameos from both brain donors. Rio will presumably be playing an ‘amusingly-named’ character along the lines of Mitch the Merker, while Ashley Cole will have a ‘post-modern’ character trait of being sick on girls’ floors during what, for him, passes as sex.

So when these clowns can’t be bothered to play for their country, they’re treading water and reading scripts. And when they’re complaining about having to donate 10 quid a week to nurses, they’re actually just skimming the top off their wages to promote more insulting English stereotypes.

I despair.

We Need You

We don’t ask much of you faithful readership, but every once in a while I don’t think it’s unreasonable for us to ask you to give a little something back. No don’t worry, I’m not plugging a book or doing anything ultimately self-indulgent under the guise of charity work, but I need your collective assistance to help track down a piece of video footage that is quickly becoming my allusive Ark of the Covenant. Don’t worry, viewing said clip won’t make Nazis’ faces melt, but it might well prove to be so good you get eternal life.

You see, word has filtered down to us that out there in Internet-land there exists a video of Rio Ferdinand appearing in a school production of Bugsy Malone. Now everyone knows that Rio is already a world-class comedian, and soon-to-be platinum selling rapper and record label owner, but apparently he also has a proclivity for musical theatre and crooning.

Now I think that everyone who reads this blog regularly will share my opinion that this footage needs to see the light of day, so if anyone can help us track it down they will be rewarded with space to write their very own article about any subject they so desire. I mean obviously it has to be football-related and not just name-calling, but you know, within reason you have carte blanche. Come on people, if you can find a picture of seven midgets all simultaneously penetrating some lucky lady dressed up as Snow White, then you can find some grainy VHS-upload of Rio making a complete twat of himself…

I’d Rather Outline My Body in White Chalk

Everyone knows Rio Ferdinand is an absolute joker, but did you also know he is a very astute record label executive? No me neither, but apparently he co-owns and runs the sinisterly-named White Chalk Music, with the worthy manifesto of promoting the hottest urban talent Manchester has to offer. It seems however that he was unable to find any of this talent, so has had to settle for some girl called Nia Jai, an ex-nurse who won a competition to be signed by White Chalk. You know, I hear all the best artists are signed after winning competitions.

Her debut album, the cleverly-titled Black Ice, will be released on October 6, and yes, you’re prayers have been answered, for it does indeed contain Rio dropping verbals on at least one track apparently. In a segment printed today in The Telegraph, the Manchester United man raps: “This is Rio Ferdinand. Make sure you do not sleep on Nia Jai, White Chalk’s first signing. This girl spits out fire.” Wow, those are some big bars, this is clearly not his first time! I have a sneaking suspicion that Mr Ferdinand might well be headlining Glastonbury next year…

Anyway, the first Nia Jai single is imaginatively called ‘Hey Girl,’ and features guest appearances from two clowns called Chipmunk and Natty Boii. Not one to just criticize for the sake of it, I feel it is my duty however to warn you that this is among the worst pieces of ‘music’ ever recorded. Whoever the pre-pubescent guy is who raps the first verse, I’m guessing the infamous Chipmunk, he needs to stop now. Forever.

Rio was obviously quick to big up his first release, hyperbolically dribbling: “Nia's album is incredible; her collaborations with Chipmunk and Sway are a testament to her talent. I'm made up to be launching her first single and album.” The circle-jerk continued with these gushing words from Nia, praising the man who I’m sure is keen to be called her mentor: “Rio has been involved a lot. He has been in the studio with me and texts me with ideas and opinions,” she said ominously. As far as positive indications of future success go, this is pretty lowdown on the scale, but still she seemed pretty pleased that: “He even has my CD in his car.”

Now, this is all very exciting I know, but the real question is: what the hell happened to that Snoop Dogg and D. Beck collaboration we heard about a couple of months ago? Honestly, hearing Beckham’s cartoon character voice over a Dr Dre beat will mean I can die a happy man.

Rio Smash!

It seems that Micah Richards isn’t the only Manchester-based England defender to be banned from something today (look at that for an example of the seemless linking you can expect from the new and improved thematic STT) as an aspiring national captain has found himself in quite a bit of hot water after his rage at Stamford Bridge near the end of last season.

Rio Ferdinand faces a possible four-game ban and £200,000 fine for (quite understandably) kicking a female Chelsea steward in April after Chelsea reversed a 1 – 0 deficit to win the game. FA big-wigs have today requested photos and witness statements from all Blues staff about the incident, which left tunnel steward Tracy Wray needing hospital treatment for severe bruising to her left thigh. I don’t know what her problem is to be honest; I mean Rio did send her some flowers about a month later by way of an apology, what more does she want?

Disciplinary chiefs are due to examine the evidence this week, and the United star could miss the start of the season, as well as England’s friendly with the Czech republic on August 20. He faces charges of gross misconduct and bringing the game into disrepute, while United could face additional charges of failing to control their players. To be fair to him, Rio has admitted guilt in this instance, but still, you can’t really go around just kicking bystanders.

The FA are also still investigating the aftermath of this same match which you might recall saw six United players get in a fight with Chelsea ground staff during a warm-down. We understand that the Blues have provided a substantial amount of evidence to Soho Square, in an attempt to heal the two weepingly open wounds of losing out on the Premier League and Champions League to United.

This Is How We Do It

I don’t know about you, but I am just sick to death of seeing pictures of footballers’ stunning girlfriends frolicking around in the sun on holiday pasted all over football websites. What do they have to do with anything? They’re slutty and have big cans. Yeah, so what? So do my next-door neighbours but you don’t see their candid smiles plastered all over this once-fine page! No, those photos are distributed in the proper manner; anonymously to free pornography sites. Football blogs and websites would be covering football stories goddammit, not lowering themselves to tabloid trash!

Here then is a proper FOOTBALL related story. The aspiring captain of our fantastic national team has certainly earned some time off after carrying his Manchester United team to an admirable League and European Cup double, so what did he do? Call up his also-a-famous-footballer-don’t-you-know brother of course, and now they are enjoying a lovely journey of self-discovery in Israel. You see, Rio and Anton Ferdinand are not only great footballers, but also pretty big wheels in the fashion world, as you can see from their annoyingly hip going-out attire. The two lady-killers hit an unnamed Tel Aviv hotspot (no that wasn’t a joke about bombs) to scope out some foxy chicks, before holding an impromptu 5-a-side tournament at midnight, because you know, that’s what footballers do.

The following day, the two Ferdinands clearly decided to give the ladies a break by just chilling out by themselves in the sea, probably talking football tactics or something while they casually sipped virgin blood. Rio wisely sidestepped wearing another see-through shirt, just because the night before he estimated more than two women had fallen pregnant at the mere sight of his pecs, but he did choose to furnish himself and Anton with matching aviators that definitely do not make them look like a couple. It would be homoerotic if they weren’t brothers.

Thanks as ever to The Spoiler for unearthing this untapped goldmine of fashion advice and mixed-race machismo.

Chief Gon Merc Up De Mandem

Thankfully not burdened by the inconvenience of the ongoing European Championships, the England national team are free to indulge in their favourite passtimes. As such, Wayne Rooney is off in Ibiza smoking and drinking, Joey Barton is in jail, D. Beck is getting his face tattooed, and good old Rio Ferdinand is dressing up in ridiculous clothes while people he doesn’t know tell him he’s great. Rio is currently shaking in his boots and going back to his roots in Africa, promoting education through football (not gun-crime) in Lagos, Nigeria. While standing on stage next to the clever chaps who actually came up with the proposal to build a football academy in the kidnap-tastic city, Rio used his trademarked ‘gun hands’ to highlight the plan’s key points expertly.

In the superb banquet that followed, King Akiolu gave Rio the honorary title of Chief Fiwagboola (seriously) which appropriately means “character maketh wealth.” The irony that a couple of weeks worth of Rio’s salary could significantly benefit the country’s poor and fractured infrastructure was seemingly lost on all involved however. The Nigerian King conducted the ceremony at his palace while wearing an old Manchester Untied shirt with his name on the back, which Rio apparently tried to get hold of to play one of his now legendary pranks. However, negotiations for the prank stalled when he approached one of the King’s aids and was told that he could do it, but then he would literally just be killed.

In a surprisingly out-of-character display of humility, Rio told The Sun: “I’m a little embarrassed to be named a Chief, I’m not sure I’m worthy. It’s something to tell the lads. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to call me Chief.” Rio launched the country’s street soccer festival and played a game against a team captained by the Governor of Lagos. The Governor said: “I hope this visit by Rio will inspire the young in our country today.” Without wanting to sound cynical (or racist) I’m sure it’ll only really inspire them to try and rob him. I mean, when you try and assassinate your country’s most famous footballer, you’ve got to ask questions.

Rio In Da Club

Fresh from mercing the Premier League for a second consecutive year, Rio Ferdinand was understandably in the mood for partying last night, and was so excited about Manchester United’s official end-of-season party that he forgot to bring any photo ID. As any good bouncer will tell you, that is just not on, and despite being dressed in United colours with a winners medal actually hanging around his neck, he was refused entry while his identity was confirmed. Now as we told you a little while ago, there is a burgeoning imposter scene developing within this country, with Mission: Impossible-esque face/body/voice transformations no longer reserved only for the world of science-fiction. The bouncer at Manchester’s cleverly ‘MANCH235TER’ 235 Casino was therefore totally justified in stalling the so-called United defender, as it could’ve just been anyone turning up with Rio’s face, clothes, medal and girlfriend.

Thankfully confirmation arrived in the form of a grainy passport scan through the casino’s fax machine, so the mix-up was sorted, and Rio was then able to successfully get down with his bad self. A mysterious source lucidly told The Sun: “It was totally ridiculous. The doorman demanded that Rio produce ID even though everyone knew who he was. You could tell that Rio was desperate to join his teammates in the party, however he waited patiently for the mix-up to be sorted out.” With his trademark gun hands cocked for action, Rio was ready to “blap up dis foolz manor,” however arm-candy Rebecca Ellison talked him down with promises of milk and cookies when they got home. Reportedly this was the only real incident of the night as, for the first time in recorded history, Manchester United and their WAGs managed to have a night out with less than five people getting raped. Huzzah!

Roo's your Cousin?

It's always been pretty obvious that Wayne Rooney may not be of the poshest stock, hailing from the hell of Croxteth, but his family have so far been kept away from the public eye, probably in case they poked it. Unlike David Beckham's high profile mum, dad and sister and Frank Lampard's footballing superfamily, the Rooney clan have been left to their own devices by the press, as they focus on the more exciting topics of Coleen and Wayne's wedding and both Ronaldos' various sexual proclivities.

Still, Rooney's family are vermin and in a city that holds Coleen as its idol, one of the Rooney clan is getting her kit off. Wayne's cousin Natalie has a brand new 32F rack and is determined to show it to the world via the superglossies, such as OK! and Hello!!!. Sadly, they haven't been returning her calls, so in the meantime sh's been doing shoots for Nuts, Zoo and the testosterone-dripping Max Power, all dressed up in Primark scanties. Bookies are now taking bets on her first footballer boyfriend, with professional scallyrat Ashley Cole the current favourite, but it wouldn't surprise STT if Rio Ferdinand had a ride, just to merc Wazza.

The Battle of Bridge

If things weren’t tense enough during the match on Saturday at Stamford Bridge, matters took a somewhat more sinister turn after the stadium had emptied, as several Manchester United players were involved with a pretty fierce confrontation with Chelsea ground staff during their warm-down routine. A Blues groundsman perhaps asked one of the United players if they caught the game and could remember the score, to which the response was understandably far from positive. Now things have got way out of hand with the FA deciding to act for once, requesting the CCTV footage from the Chelsea ground after allegations of racial abuse have been thrown around. United have themselves been asked to submit a report to the FA, while Alex Ferguson has been quick to maintain radio silence since Saturday night, even forbidding Cristiano Ronaldo to collect his PFA Player of the Year award on Sunday night in person.

The story is this: a group of United players, including Patrice Evra, Park Ji-Sung, Gerald Pique and Paul Scholes, were warming down after the 2 – 1 loss when they were asked to move by ground staff who were eager to paint lines, water the grass and do whatever else they do. This then sparked a row as presumably the request was made with some provocation, as suggested earlier. As such, Manchester United players have accused the Chelsea staff of starting the brawl, with Carlos Tevez saying “Patrice (Evra) received a grave insult from a member of Chelsea’s staff, he demanded an explanation and, from that moment, these men just wanted to attack Patrice.”

The conclusion being jumped to is that a “grave insult” means something racialist, and given Chelsea’s reputation as a club with a historically very white and nationalistic core fan-base, people seem pretty keen to align themselves with this. Tevez continued to explain the situation: “Obviously it’s normal that we tried to defend our team-mate but within a few seconds all of the United players were surrounded by stewards. I think that the security cameras will show the provocation we received. I have never seen anything like this in my career, if the FA opens an investigation, we will co-operate and happily give our version of what happened.”

The Mirror reported yesterday that United have now distanced themselves from any claims of racist abuse following a phone conversation between their chief executive David Gill and his Chelsea counterpart Peter Kenyon. As a sign of ill-feeling between the clubs though, United refused last night to sign up to a joint statement outlining the events proposed by Chelsea after their ground staff were all comprehensively interviewed. Lawnmowerer(?) Sam Bethell responded to claims that he gave Patrice Evra a black eye by saying: “I've not lost my job. I'm back at work tomorrow morning. It was handbags really.” The saga as they say continues.

On a somewhat lighter note though, this wasn’t the only fracas at Stamford Bridge after the final whistle blew. It seems that Rio Ferdinand, even eager to merc people, accidentally kicked a female steward while venting his frustration on a brick wall as he walked of the pitch. How you can lash out like that and not notice that what you’re kicking is in fact not an inanimate object but a person is beyond me, but who are we to analyze exactly what goes on in the man’s head? “Unfortunately a lady was stood by and I accidentally brushed her with my foot,” Rio explained. “I apologised profusely and went back to make sure she was OK. I have arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to her.” I don’t know about you but I never realised it worked like that. I mean, I knew girls liked flowers, but I didn’t think they enjoyed them enough to let you actually hit them in exchange for a ten-pound wrap of roses from a petrol station. Once again Rio, you have shown us all the way.

UPDATE - A Jerky Benny Hill-like video has been released by Sky News, who also provide some lacklustre commentary and uninformed debate:

Gameweek 34 – ‘Aquarium’

Happy Monday folks and back in the saddle again. Obvious focal point this weekend was at Old Trafford where Manchester United all but sealed the title in a superlative showing against Arsenal, coming from behind to put the final nail in Arsene Wenger’s season. Chelsea play tonight and can stay in touch, but this display of resolve has surely signaled their very real intent to capture another Premier League/Champions league double. Liverpool also continued their excellent form of late, completely dominating a decent Blackburn side with Gerrard and Torres once again on the score-sheet for Rafa’s men.

Down at the bottom things continue to remain interesting as Bolton and Fulham both recorded hard-fought wins, and Birmingham and Sunderland dropped points against much stronger opposition to drag them back into the danger area. It will take a herculian effort for Fulham to rescue themselves, but just two points away from safety now, Bolton will fancy rolling up their sleeves and staying in the top flight for another year.

In the mid-table wastelands, Villa delivered the performance of the weekend to blow Derby away, and Manchester City pinched a somewhat unjustified three points to stay in the top 8. Draws for Pompey, Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Tottenham keep things tight, but with neither European qualification or relegation on the cards, they are all very much winding down now for the season.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Ali Al Habsi (impressive throughout)

Defence – Patrice Evra (superb as ever at the back and going forward), Joleon Lescott (another big performance and ninth goal this season), Radhi Jaidi (solid), Paul Stalteri (definitely improving at his new club)

Midfield – Steven Gerrard (catalyst), Owen Hargreaves (perfection), Gareth Barry (singled out, but whole Villa midfield was again excellent), Stuart Downing (enterprising all game and sweet strike for the Boro equaliser)

Up Top – Mauro Zarate (another zero added to the young Argentine’s price tag), Kevin Davies (doing what he does best)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Stilian Petrov throws his name in the hat for goal of the season with an inch-perfect half-volley from about 40 yards. For footage of all six Villa goals, click here. Any other week though cracking volleys from Roque Santa-Cruz and Dean Whitehead would be in definite contention so it’s worth mentioning them to.

Nutmeg of the Week – Stevie Gerrard masterfully nails walking man-mountain Chris Samba in the build up to his opener at Anfield.

Save of the Week – Mr Al Habsi superbly tipped over Dean Ashton’s audacious bicycle kick.

Skill of the Week – Simply because Arsene Wenger apparently hates showboating so much, Cristiano Ronaldo’s amazing little touchline stepover routine to wind down the clock at Old Trafford takes the biscuit. Check it about 11:40 into this video of the game’s highlights:

Manchester United 2 - Arsenal 1 (MOTD)

Posted to 101 Great Goals by Ronaldo on April 13, 2008

Click to Play View Details

Miss of the Week – Liam Ridgewell shows quite an impressive level of inability to fire over from 2 yards out, finding himself in acres of room following McFadden’s corner.

Attempt(s) of the Week – Part-time democracy installer and all round nice guy Brian McBride crashes the Reading crossbar with a sublime volley on the run from outside the box. Never one to be outdone, Jimmy Bullard also found the woodwork a couple of layers of paint too thick from a delightful freekick.

Own-Goal Attempt of the Week – Rio tried his best to beat Edwin van der Sar at his near post but thankfully for United the Dutchmen was familiar with Ferdinand’s desire to humorously merc him.

Unexpected Acrobatics of the Week – Central defender Steven Taylor tries his luck with a scissor kick against Portsmouth. Van Basten eat your heart out. Well, nearly.

Sniper-on-the-roof Moment of the Week – Manchester City substitute Sturridge took one in the kneecap to win a penalty at the Stadium of Light.

Gaffe of the Week – It seems cruel to kick him when he’s down but Roy Carroll had an absolute mare against Villa, kind of at fault for most of their goals.

ASBO of the Week – Martin Skrtel was on fine bruising form, first escaping punishment for an over-the-ball crunch and then simply throwing Jason Roberts to the ground as the Blackburn man sprinted towards goal.

Controversy of the Week – A certain Arsenal player putting his side ahead at Old Trafford with what was quite obviously a hand. And Arsene Wenger’s reaction you might wonder? “What’s a hand? Who’s Adebayor? I’ve never even heard of this ‘football’ you keep going on about!”

Statistic of the Week – Fernando Torres has now scored in his last seven consecutive Anfield appearances so give Ronaldo a serious challenge for Player of the Season.

Jess of the Week – Apparently Philip Senderos’ season is over because he is “mentally shattered.” In a bizarre coincidence, the Swiss word for “mentally shattered” is actually the same as for “shit.”

Hyperbole of the Week – “He wasn't born, he was chiseled out of an oak tree.” The 5Live commentator clearly got Tom Huddlestone’s envelope of cash then. For the record, the only man actually chiseled out of any kind of tree is Jean-Claude Van Damage.

Quote of the Week – “It's not something I've practised, I just thought I'd give it a go.” Radhi Jaidi talking about his somewhat comical star-jump distraction techniques in front of Tim Howard as Zarate lined up the equalizing freekick. He was offside, so how that isn’t interfering will play I will never know.

Honesty of the Week – Harry Redknapp: “I just want to win the FA Cup - that’s all that matters now to be perfectly truthful. If you said to me finish fifth or win the FA Cup, I want to win the Cup.”

Hero of the Week – Brian McBride for inspiring Fulham to a last-grasp push for survival, with Roy Hodgson’s side recording their first success away from home since 2006.

Zero of the Week – Officially out of all competitions in five days, Arsene Wenger is this week’s zero once again. Don’t take this is a personal vendetta though; for a club with aspirations as big as Arsenal’s, this season really has been just another enormous failure, and one that Wenger could’ve avoided had he not been so arrogant and failed to buy anyone in the January transfer window.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Not having to run the London Marathon, but seeing plenty of awesome Mascot suits going the distance. Kudos to the guys dressed as rhinos, the Wombles (obviously), and my personal favourite, the giant Cornish pasty.

Big Show Rio

With Floyd ‘Money’ Mayweather having successfully entered the WWF ring this past weekend and actually defeated Paul ‘The Big Show’ Wight, it seems that all kinds of contenders are now coming out of the woodwork. Advertised as “the world’s biggest athlete,” The Big Show stands at an impressive 7’1” tall and weighs a ridiculous 440 pounds, presumably of pure American junk-food…sorry, I mean muscle. He has won world titles in all the major wrestling federations using his signature Choke Slam move, and has famously feuded with such luminaries as The Rock, Big Boss Man and ‘The Game’ Triple H. As with many wrestlers these days, he has also found time to make waves in Hollywood, and his most famous role to date occurred in Arnie’s classic Jingle All the Way where he played a mysterious character known only as Huge Santa.

News broke in the press today though of Manchester United and England star Rio Ferdinand now fancying his chances of taking The Big Show down, buoyed on by the ease with which Mayweather (a man referred to as a “pussy” by people’s champion Rio) floored the giant. A long-time WWF fan, Rio continued to describe his desire to compete in the squared circle and has even come up with the two most important factors to joining the sport already; a name and some kick-ass entrance music. When his challenge is accepted by The Big Show, Rio will transform into his alter-ego, Mercurial (because he will, like, MERC U 4 REAL), and begin training during the England player’s lucky period of time off this summer. For something dramatic to accompany his walk to the ring, Rio got some help from his brother Anton, and the two of them have cooked up a double-time speed garage track that the pair claim is the fastest beat audible to the human ear. The track currently runs at a insanity-inspiring 390 bpm, but the Ferdinands claim there is still more space for the speed to be knocked up a couple more notches if necessary.

Critics say that Rio might not have what it takes to physically compete with a man who weighs more than the entire Man United front-six put together but as ever, Rio is fearless. When asked about his tactics, he claimed that he will simply target The Big Show’s “glass jaw,” as he calls it, and the victory will almost certainly be his. Failing that, he has a further couple of aces up his sleeve apparently, with training lined up in May and June at the martial arts school of None of that Jackie Chan Bullshit, based in Bethnal Green. Here he will learn the ancient art of ‘windmilling’ while also given a brief working overview of how to make a set of car keys, or handful of pound coins, count in a fight.

While not officially announced yet, you can look forward to this match-up taking place at the WWF’s second most-prestigious flagship event, SummerSlam. Rumours that Rio will quit football altogether to pursue a career in wrestling should he knock The Big Show out are yet to be confirmed, but reading between the lines, it’s definitely on the cards.