What’s Your Crew Blud?

Normally American sports teams either have awesomely stupid or stupidly awesome names. For every Marlins there’s an Avalanches, and for every Steelers there’s a Raptors. A Columbus, Ohio based MLS team have however just side-stepped the whole issue however by going for the blandly alliterative: Columbus Crew. If there was a Massachusetts Mandem, Pittsburgh Posse or Tennessee Thugs then we could probably laugh it off, but as is, it’s a bit rubbish.

West Ham’s faithful hooligan firm, the ICF, however clearly found that it registered on their radar. You see, the Hammers are over on the other side of the pond at the moment to play the undoubtedly underwhelming MLS All-Stars later this week, but decided to first cut their teeth against the Columbus based Crew. West Ham won easily, but the real highlight was a 100-man brawl that erupted in the stands. Presumably MLS teams don’t have firms, but the ICF, clearly spurred on by the team’s suggestive name, worked their way up to the infamous north-east corner of the ground where the Crew’s stronghold reportedly is.

A couple of prison shanks and Molotov cocktails later and 30 Hammers fans had been arrested, and presumably subject to America’s not-exactly-enlightened view of justice. When asked for a comment, manager Alan Curbishley quite amusingly offered only this soundbite:

“We took the MLS game because we wanted to come to America. We wanted to show people what we’re about.”

I honestly couldn’t have written a better joke myself Alan so thanks for that.

Nice one to The Spoiler for the top awesome photo.

Flutter By My Love

Saying footballers’ weddings are tacky is like saying the BNP are racist, but even within the tasteless circles we have become accustomed to, this is pretty bad. I mean not quite the Aladdin-themed abortion that was the Jordan/Peter Andre nuptials, but still a wankfest of the highest order. Yes, everyone’s favourite couple Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin are preparing to tie the knot officially this summer (June 14^th to be precise so get it in your diaries now), with a huge Italian monastery the surprisingly classy location of choice. It all goes dramatically downhill from here though; the theme is ‘butterflies,’ and each guest will be given a hand-made box containing a live butterfly to open at the same time. Seriously. An overly-enthusiastic source told us: “The butterfly release will make everyone gasp with amazement. It’s a beautiful sight, the day is going to be magical. They’ve chosen the Riviera’s most picturesque spot.” I’m not quite sure people will be gasping with “amazement” but whatever, it’s symbolic apparently.

Obviously Wayne had no say in this, so the buck has to stop with Coleen. She probably thinks it’s clever but it just sounds embarrassingly bad. The mysterious source continued: “Releasing the butterflies symbolises the freedom to be their own people within marriage.” Interesting; I always thought birds represented freedom, but what do I know? Butterflies are much prettier and they fit easily in a box. Anyway, the two-day affair sounds like a right good old knees-up, with plenty of posh slap-up grub, a disco on a yacht, and most excitingly, a slice of Wayne’s famous ‘hip-hop karaoke’ after the vows have taken place. Word on the street is that he does a mean version of Snoop Dogg’s classic 90s hit What’s My Muthfuckin Name, so look forward to that if you’re lucky enough to make the 50-guest cut.

It’s the hottest ticket in town apparently too: a recent poll found out that ¾ of Brits would rather attend the Rooney/McLoughlin wedding than the next Royal one. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, or whether it’s just depressing that polls like that get carried out in the first place.

There’s no Black in the Union Jack

Of the 92 League clubs in this country, who would like to guess how many have black managers? Given the ethnically diverse world we now live in, and the almost even split of white and black players throughout clubs these days, you’d expect 40 or 50 right? Er, there are two; Paul Ince at the MK Dons and Keith Alexander at Macclesfield.

It’s a fact that I think everyone is kind of struggling to explain. Casting the net wider to include those involved in football behind the scenes at administrative and executive level, we find just as few black faces. The Voice, Britain’s leading newspaper for the black community, published last week their annual ‘Black List,’ which counted down the most influential Afro-Caribbean people in football in this country. The rundown featured a couple of senior administrators, such as Millwall's executive deputy chairman Heather Rabbatts, assistant chief executive of the PFA Bobby Barnes, and also finally, Jason Rockett at Sheffield United who is the only black chief executive currently in professional English football. Other notables included in this ‘Black List’ were a few obvious broadcasters, such as Chris Kamara and Garth Crooks, along with England women’s coach Hope Powell, up-and-coming sports agent Chris Nathaniel (clients include Micah Richards, Obafemi Martins and Ryan Babel) and the only current player on the list; this week’s England captain, Rio Ferdinand.

However, it seems that the shift from player to manager is the one that often black players seem reluctant to make. During, for example, Paul Ince’s career, there were perhaps not as many black stars as there are now, yet many successful and respected players still jump out…Ian Wright, John Barnes, Paul Parker, Michael Thomas, Robbie Earle…to name just a few. So while the likes of Roy Keane and Gareth Southgate strolled into top flight management upon ending their playing careers, why is it that retiring black footballers seem to bolt from the game and instead often head into the media? Speaking to BBC Sport this week ahead of his side’s FA Trophy Final at Wembley this weekend, Ince addressed the issue: “A lot of fantastic black footballers that have been in the game have all of a sudden disappeared and gone out of it. Maybe they feel they're not really cut out to be a manager, I don't know.” Like I said, it’s a fact that I’m at a loss to explain as well, because it isn’t even like the horrendous racial abuse of football’s yesteryear is still prevalent around the country.

With Ince building on his previous success with Macclesfield, many in the game believe it is only a matter of time before England’s first black captain becomes the Premier League’s first black British manager, but given that it’s taken more than 15 years to happen, there’s clearly something wrong somewhere. Don’t misunderstand this article as an accusation of inherent racism within the game or the creation of some kind of ethnic conspiracy though, it’s just fascinating how the fact of two black managers out of 92 can co-exist with a 20-man England squad this week which included 12 black players. Ince continued: “If I can be the yardstick then I've done something good. I hope I can say to people like (Andy) Cole, (Sol) Campbell and (Ledley) King that once they've finished playing football, why go out of it?”

Former England international and Spurs striker Les Ferdinand is keen to follow in Ince’s footsteps, but having taken his UEFA B coaching licence and a certificate in applied management at Warwick University, says that “the opportunities are not quite there for black managers at the moment.” He continued: “There seems to be the same thinking about black coaches as there was about black players in the 1970s. It used to be the case that a manager would look at a black player and think ‘he's quick, we'll play him up front or on the wing’... I think black coaches are being stereotyped in the same way at the moment. You see black people behind the scenes at football clubs, but not at the helm.”

You get the feeling that the tide might be about to turn though, with the FA under the microscope at the moment following the somewhat outspoken comment from Garth Crooks (current football adviser to the Commission for Racial Equality) that English football should be “ashamed of itself” because of the lack of black coaches. As ever though, the danger is of over-compensation and so-called ‘positive discrimination,’ a fact that Ferdinand is all too aware of: “I don't want a job because it's the politically correct thing to do. I want it because I'm the best person available.”

The National Chelsea Front

It may not come as a surprise to some readers that a minority of Chelsea fans don’t like Jews. Some might say it’s a little backwards for one of the biggest clubs in Europe to still project a traditional English Christian ideology, especially given everything a certain Jewish Russian billionaire has done for them lately.

Now though the club themselves have got in on the act, genuinely having the audacity to ban all their fans of Greek origin for next week’s Champions League return clash with Olympiakos. Blues fans with Greek-sounding names trying to order tickets through the official channels, have been blocked, with the website simply saying the following: ‘non-members of a Greek nationality have been banned.’ Chelsea claim the ban was imposed at an executive level after “large numbers”of Olympiakos fans were suspected of using their club’s website to try to buy tickets in with the Chelsea fans. Quite where this intelligence came from is unknown, but it does mean that literally anyone wishing to buy tickets for next Wednesday clash at Stamford Bridge must now head down to the ground in person and show picture ID to be considered for allocation.

On paper though this still has the potential to be one of the great match-ups of the year next week in West London. No, don’t be stupid, not on the pitch, but in the parks and under the bridges throughout the area. We are of course talking about Chelsea’s famous Headhunter hooligan firm facing off against perhaps the most feared in Europe; the Olympiakos Gate 7 crew. Both sets of ‘supporters’ are the stuff of legend, with stories going back more than 50 years of cement-filled newspapers and sharpened steel-toe-caps. I for one cannot wait, it’s just a shame that Sky will insist on showing the crap that takes place on the pitch instead of the flaming bins and prison shankings that we all would much rather watch.

This whole incident begs the question of just who is next in the Blues witchhunt though; I wonder how they feel about gays and blacks? Maybe STT should help them cook up excuses to ban them from going to future games as well? I hear that gay people are the opponents of god, and well its pretty obvious that everyone of African descent is a thieving slave, so perhaps they should all just be locked underground somewhere? It must be nice living in the 19^th century; no diversity, no reality TV, and most attractively, the syphlitic wart that is Kerry Katona won’t be born for a good couple of hundred years yet…

Are You Mexican or Mexican’t?

A question that perhaps we’ve all considered at some stage in our lives, but for young striker Jesus Padilla, it’s all proved a bit too much for him. You see, Jesus is a rising star at Mexico’s prominent Chivas club, based in Guadalajara, and they have a strict tradition of only fielding Mexican players. It’s a policy that has it’s advocates and also its critics, for obvious reasons, but the fans there love that no foreigners will ever play for their proud old club.

Padilla has thusfar appeared mainly just for Chivas’ second division feeder club Tapatio, but he already has been given the nickname of “El Gringo” just because he spent a couple of years living in California. Sports Illustrated however have decided that it’s their duty to ruin the poor kid’s career, and just recently dug up evidence that he was in fact born in the US, and not as his Chivas papers say, in the Mexican state of Jalisco. It’s hard to conceive, but to all intents and purposes Padilla is finished at Chivas because of this technicality, and is likely to have to return to the States to have any further chance of raising his footballing stock.

To all of you thinking that this is probably all just posturing, Chivas really are serious, as demonstrated by the case of Gerado Mascareno about a decade ago now. He had enjoyed a decent career around the Mexican league before in 1998 earning a dream move to Chivas. It then came out that Mascareno was actually born in Maryland, USA, and almost instantly he was shown the backdoor at the Guadalajara club. Former Chivas player, and current Chivas USA captain, Claudio Suarez said that put simply, the fans would never accept anyone not 100% Mexican: “In Guadalajara, there is a great passion for the club and some bring up ‘because they only play with Mexican players.’ So there was the conflict with the fans who did not want him (Mascareno) to play there anymore.”

Thankfully for Mascareno he had many previous years experience under his belt, so was able to prolong his career for several more seasons. For Padilla however, things are less certain. Recent official word from Chivas is that they will consider the player “Mexican enough for us” (Spanish speakers amongst you check here for the full statement) and continue playing him, despite their previous history, but whether Padilla will ever have the fans full support is yet to be seen.

Another high profile example of this that many people aren’t aware of is Athletic Bilbao in La Liga. They are famous in Spain for a strict youth team policy of only bringing young players into their set-up who are from the Basque region in the country. Additionally, Bilbao will also only sign professional players native to one of the seven Basque provinces: Biscay, Guipúzcoa, Álava and Navarre in Spain, and Labourd, Soule and Lower Navarre in France. As with Chivas, this has gained the club a fair amount of controversy, and accusations of racism, but again fans point to the incredible passion within the team, and the promotion of club loyalty in the region.

So given the somewhat cosmopolitan nature of the English Premier League at the moment, is a policy like this ever likely to be considered over here by anyone? Unlikely because of the racist implications, and opposition to EU ‘freedom of work’ laws, but part of me can’t help but feel that it’s admirable for a club to take a stand to encourage homegrown talent and local pride.

Like WAGs, but love Racism?

Well then STT might have found the girl for you! The Guardian reported over the weekend that Jadene Bircham, wife of current Yeovil superstar Marc, joined a Facebook group entitled ‘If you don’t like England then fuck off to where you come from!’ Sounds perfect right? While she waxes lyrical about all of ‘them’ stealing our jobs and raising crime-rates, you can just stare at her cans and use your mind to think about things

She claims she didn’t realize it was a racist group (seriously) and apparently the prevalence of Ku Klux Klan imagery and citation wasn’t enough of a clue for the former model. She offered this in her defence: “I didn’t bother having a good look at it,” while also maintaining that similar groups ‘Fuck off we’re full’ and ‘There’s no black in the Union Jack’ were just misunderstood too.

Perhaps we’re doing Mrs Bircham a disservice though, because she actually seems like an alright girl, despite her involvement with the televisual abortion that was WAGs Boutique. She has three kids which she actually looks after herself, and even runs her own modeling agency, Jam Management. To add further kudos, she got her big break on TV alongside everyone’s favourite strawberry blonde, Chris Evans, co-presenting 90s uber-hit Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush. She subsequently moved onto ITV’s Pulling Power where she met future husband Marc while he was still playing for QPR. He’s the guy who died his hair blue and white in the club’s colours, and when asked about it, Jadene had these words: “Well at least you didn’t have to shag it. It was like going to bed with a Smurf.”

So what’s her advice for getting off with a model? Simple: “Just get her pissed and hope for the best — that’s how Marc pulled me.” Waaaaaay ahead of you there love. It is a Tuesday after all.

Moral of the story here folks seems to be pretty obvious: it’s ok for a girl to be racist as long as she’s fit and into some kinky shit.

Good Old Fashioned Family Racism

What a great code of ethics football in this country has. Just a month after convicted criminal and professional scumbag Lee Hughes was snapped up straight from his prison team to join Oldham Athletic, now Ron Atkinson has been brought back into football management after languishing on low-rent digital TV for the past few years.

‘Big’ Ron will be unveiled this weekend as part of the new management team at sleeping giants Halesowen Town, the non-league football club said today.

The Yeltz finally broke their silence on the rumours, with director Mark Serrell claiming the former Albion and Villa manager will be unveiled at a press conference before Saturday’s match at home to Brackley.

To re-iterate, Mr Serrell said: “Ron Atkinson will be coming to the club. There were meetings last night and it was confirmed this morning. We will be unveiling him at a Press conference on Saturday.”

Ron will be pleased to learn that out of the club’s 22 registered first team players, 20 are English through and through, meaning that there’s very little chance he’ll have to go through the charade of finding excuses to ‘let go’ anyone ethnic. Remember folks, there’s no black in the Union Jack.