It’s a pretty well known fact within football that if Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger let a player leave their club, there is probably something wrong with them, whether it’s a recurring injury or the fact that they’re just a complete prick. The one man in the last five years that breaks this rule however is David Bentley, and you can guarantee that Wenger wishes he still had Bentley’s services, after a couple of seasons now where he has been about 20 times more effective than all of Arsenal’s wide-men combined.
“When Bentley was at Arsenal, he kept putting in transfer requests which were rejected. He went on loan at Norwich, came back, and the same thing happened again.
By the summer of 2005, he was completely fed up, so had some special boots made. On one was written ‘English and proud,’ and the other, ‘So I’m never picked.’
The next morning at training, he called Arsene Wenger over and showed him.“The next day he was moved on to Blackburn.”
Every single bone in my body hopes this is what happened, because it’s an absolutely perfect way to flip Wenger the bird. It’s a scientific fact that he was actually born without a sense of humour, and with the stroppy strictness of a mid-40s private-school Headmistress who hasn’t got laid in two decades, he played to form and pointed straight to the door. One can only imagine the size of the smile that brought to Bentley’s face.
Everyone who isn’t an Arsenal fan hates Arsenal fans, and the sooner they just accept that and keep to themselves, the better. For an example of why this is the case, look no further than last week’s Champions League tie with Liverpool. It has come to light that an under-15 junior side from Skelmersdale (on Merseyside), who won tickets to the game in a UEFA competition, were verbally abused throughout the game’s opening exchanges for being Scousers, and then subsequently thrown out of the stadium altogether when they celebrated Dirk Kuyt’s equaliser.
All the blame however shouldn’t be directed solely at Arsenal however, because at the end of the day, how moronic was it of UEFA to award Liverpool fans with tickets in an Arsenal area of the ground? Hopefully someone got fired for that cock-up. This isn’t exactly an excuse for the treatment they received though, as the bemused lads, sporting plush UEFA tracksuits, continued to receive insults from Gunners fans as they wandered around outside the stadium looking for somewhere to catch the rest of the game.
We received these words from Ray Radford, the quite geniusly-named manager and chaperone of the Arriva Youth side:
We were having a great day until Liverpool scored. We were seated smack bang in the lion’s den and were abused by grown men - men in suits. These weren’t louts. They started shouting at the lads as soon as they realised we were Scousers. After we’d celebrated Kuyt’s goal, we were spoken to by the stewards and told to leave the ground. Even though I explained to him that the lads were guests of UEFA, because of the competition win, they still chucked us out.”
A dark day for Arsenal fans then. Maybe if they concentrated more on actually supporting their team, instead of taking the piss out of kids for talking differently, the Emirates wouldn’t be so much of a library.But UEFA too must be ashamed of themselves, offering little in the way of support or compensation to the lads when Radford finally got hold of their representative at the Emirates, a guy called Simon Calder:
“He apologised for what had happened saying it was 'unacceptable, appalling and totally unprofessional,’” Radford told the local Liverpuddlian press, “but he said that Arsenal were not going to allow us back in the ground. We were eventually granted access back to our mini-bus but were not allowed to leave the ground until 11pm. By this stage the lads were very anxious, quiet and very, very scared.”
Thanks to the journalistic godzilla that is the Skelmersdale Advertiser for the nuts and bolts of this story, and as ever The Spoiler for the heads up.
Isn’t it nice to know that less than a year after so many Premier League footballers failed to cough up even one day’s wages for the ‘Mayday for Nurses’ charity, the boys up at Manchester United are having a weekly tussle to see who can buy the most expensive and fancy car. This also comes not long after revelations last year of the elite drinking games that go on when all these clowns get together on a night out; whoever turns up at the bar with the least cash on them, has to cover the whole night for everyone, no matter what extravagancies the others can come up with. It’s nice to know that their £100,000 a week isn’t being wasted eh?
Wayne Rooney has this week been speaking to a Mercedes dealership down in leafy Surrey, with a mind to purchase a stunning McLaren-Mercedes SLR Roadster, but bizarrely only on the proviso that they can get him one with red seats. As the world’s fastest production convertible, the hefty price-tag of £350,000 is justified by the face-melting acceleration and a top speed of more than 200 mph. You’ll be pleased hear that Rooney already owns a Bentley Continental GT, a Range Rover and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, but this latest target aims to blow all his team-mates out of the water.
Not exactly a man to be outdone however, Cristiano Ronaldo has put his name on the 12-month waiting list for perhaps the only car in the world more exclusive than the majestic SLR. Having taken a shine to it filming recent Nike adverts, Ronaldo is keen to have a Bugatti Veyron of his own, despite the unbelievable £875,000 price tag. Other celebrities already enjoying what Jeremy Clarkson has called 'the best car that will ever.............. be made' include Simon Cowell and Tom Cruise; one is an evil cult leader, serenading the masses with opiates of a bright future drawn from science fiction, the other is Tom Cruise.
McLaren were yesterday available for comment, and when asked if Cristiano might be able to jump the queue, a representative had this to offer: “There is a client list which includes some of the wealthiest people in the world but he has to get in line like everyone else.”
Check out Nemanja's Yugo! It's funny cos he's poor!
If all the Premiership managers from the past few seasons were all in the playground at school together, there would be a few certainties. Big Sam and Harry Redknapp would be gambling and smoking tabs behind the bike sheds, while Roy Keane administered a vicious bog-flushing to the nerdy Arsene Wenger. Martin Jol would be the class clown and Bobby Robson would be the guy that everyone liked. Aidy 'sicknote' Bothroyd and Glenn 'cancer head' Roeder would be picked last for the kickaround, while Graeme Souness would constantly be in lunchtime detention for his dour and surly attitude.
Keano might not have been the biggest bully, however. Fergie would run the playground like it was his manor, occasionally inviting the other child managers into his office in the scout hut, to drink vintage fizzy pop and recruit them to his gang. Jose Mourinho would be the nastiest piece of work there, pontificating to anyone and everything, occasionally scrapping with boys big and small. Now a 44 year old man, it seems that Mourinho still has the vengeful vitriol of youth, as he proceeded to accost a 12 year old lad after the child had a disagreement with Jose's daughter:
The self-proclaimed 'Special One' flew into a rage when his 11-year-old daughter told him about playground jibes that he was not "the best", it has been revealed.
He found the culprit, a 12-year-old schoolboy, and held him by the hair while he "pulled" his ears, the Portuguese newspaper Correio da Manha reported.
Mr Mourinho, 44, was then summoned before the headmistress and made to formally apologise to his tearful victim and his family.
Read the full story, as told by the Evening Standard, which has at least 3 reporters stalking Mourinho at all times. From the sounds of things, the kid probably deserved it. At the time of press, there are unconfirmed rumours that he said Jose's haircut was 'well gay'.
Animal – Hornet (Vespula Vulgaris for all you brains out there)
Colour – Yellow, Red and Black
Level of Ridiculousness – 6
Most common missile pelted with – Purple valour suit jackets and ridiculously shaped glasses
Let’s be honest, hornets are not exactly the most pleasant of animals, in fact the whole Vespidae species is, as a general rule, pretty horrible. However, fighting this lifelong stigma, Harry has emerged as one of the best all round Mascots currently working the circuit, updating his image every few years to stay ahead of the competition. A master of misdirection, Harry has also been known to dress up in various other guises to keep the general public on their toes. Most famously, in 2006 when Watford hosted an Italian weekend, Harry's ‘cousin,’ Harry the Hornetto, was let loose on the unsuspecting town. Even though Signore Hornetto looked suspiciously like Harry, only with Italian clothes and a pencil moustache, this went down a treat with the confused locals. He has also been known to don a James Bond-style tuxedo for special events, and used to ape Ray Charles’ performance in The Blues Brothers, whipping the crowd into a frenzy with his rendition of “Shake Your Tailfeather,” despite having a very menacing stinger where his ‘tailfeather’ should be.
Perhaps the greatest day in Harry’s life came in August 1998 though, when he married local IT Insect, Harriet, at Vicarage Road before the start of the Watford vs Wolves match. With longtime best pal Wolfie the Wolf acting as his best man, the day was an absolute joy, rounding off with a not-at-all embarrassing mass singalong of “Elton John’s Taylor-Made Army” at the ceremony’s conclusion. From here on, Harry and Harriet were inseparable, flouncing around the pitch together whenever possible. However, the sheer similarity of their appearance lead to some crowd murmours that the two might in fact be related to one another, and that was why they were yet to produce a Baby Hornet. Perhaps the best explanation for all this is simply that in the future Harry discovers the secret of time manipulation, then travels back in time to marry his younger self, sporting a slightly longer shirt and exaggerated eye-lashes by way of a disguise.
Anyway……… a natural athlete from a young age, Harry has always been a serious contender in the epic Football Furlong, which takes place annually at Huntingdon Racecource, even streaking to victory (not literally) in the 2000 event -
Controversy surrounded the following year’s event however, when several other dissenting members of the mascot community feared another whitewash. While we will never truly know what happened on that fateful day in July, this much is clear: while Cyril the Swan created a diversion by cracking some female spectator in the face, Harry suffered a “fall,” which resulted in him breaking two ribs and having to withdraw from the race altogether. Enraged by what she saw, Harriet still pushed on and managed to finish second in the end, but for years, this incident haunted poor Harry. It was only last year in fact that Harry actually returned to running competitively, choosing the London Marathon for his big comeback, raising more than £15,000 for charity in the process.
Sadly, as is so often the case with philanthropists, Harry was brutally sacked this year, via text message no less, leaving his life in tatters. Some have suggested that Elton John got jealous of the costume and forced Harry out, while others have said that Harriet is making a play for the staring role after sleeping with the club’s kit manager. All that is clear is this: the fact that he was recently caught on camera telling a young fan in the Watford home end to “fuck off” has absolutely nothing to do with it.
R.I.P Harry the Hornet/Hornetto, maybe one day the world will be once again ready to be intoxicated by your secreted venom.
This video has been doing the rounds this week, so in the absence of any truly exciting football to report, we present you with a clip of Gary Neville acting like a total cockstand.
He is initially very scared by the affable Dane's tap on the shoulder, then refuses the handshake like he's got a palm full of snot. Why? Is it because big Pete shouted at him one time too many? Is it because he's trying to woo Veron with his hard-nosedness? No. It's because of this:
Neville Neville's firstborn lies awake at night, dreaming of scoring goals like this.
Congrats to England, Ireland and Scotland for decent results at the weekend. Apologies to anyone who was watching S4C on Saturday night. That was the sort of night European minnows dream of.
As the StamfordBridge faithful rush to Sunglasses Hut, we at STT consider the more eccentric football kits of recent decades. Surprisingly this terrible new Chelsea effort only just makes the top ten worst strips of all time. In fact Chelsea's lollipop lady-esque number appears rather tasteful compared to the rest of our list, and only actually makes it in the countdown because of the sheer number of pikey kids currently roaming around London looking for trouble, permanently wearing this fluorescent abortion.
9.Oxford United 1992-93
Looks like a magic eye picture randomly generated on a 1988 Spectrum computer, and probably is.
8.BirminghamCity 1992-93
What was it about the 1992-93 season? Again presumably the product of badly designed computer programming, this one looks like something a toddler might draw on Microsoft Paint. Count yourselves lucky that there's no better picture of this monstrosity on the internet.
7. BristolCity 1996-97
Lime green and purple? Nuff said.
6.Mexico Goalkeepers Kit 1994
5. Any other Jorge Campos Kit 1988-2003
Jorge Campos appears to have had a real penchant for horror kits, either that or he just used to lose a lot of bets. Anyways, the eccentric Mexican, who almost certainly used to get dressed in the dark, almost deserves his own competition. As such, we didn’t feel like we could really leave any of these out, so Campos makes the list at both five and six with these two efforts that look like someone’s swallowed a load of highlighter pens and been sick.
4CoventryCity 1976
I’ve always said that brown was the perfect complimentry colour for a ginger ‘fro, short shorts and a pained expression.
3.Sevilla 3rd kit 2004-05
Really, really conspicuous…and not at all gay. Muy muy macho!
2.HullCity 1992-93
Grrrrrrr.....Another classic from the golden age of shit football kits. Looks like a Scouse hooker’s hand me down leggings. Handy if the team ever got stranded in the jungle though.
1.NASL Colorado Caribou 1978
A brown and tan kit, including a strip of leather across the chest and tassels. Perhaps proof that the beautiful game was never meant to be played in the USA. As far as bad kits go though, surely any football shirt that actually incorporates cowboy ‘fashion’ simply has to be number 1?
Think you’ve been unfortunate enough to see any worse kits than these? If so, send them in to STT at the usual address and we will try to run a follow up piece in the near future... sniffingtt@hotmail.com
I was unaware of the Under-17 world Cup taking place in South Korea, until I read that USA was beaten by the might of Tajikstan, much to the dismay of the American author. This tournament does not appear to be a great showcase for future talent, although the highest goalscorer in previous tournaments has been Fabregas in 2003 and Anderson in 2005.
'Who gives a shit?' I hear you ask. Well, it turns out that a tournament solely populated with players born in the 1990s can get a little immature at times. Enjoy this highlight from the recent Peru vs. South Korea game:
I'm not too good at Asian languages. I'm only guessing it's Japanese, because one of the commentators says 'Hi!' in response to what sounds like a question. Whatever the language, their change in tone is unmistakeable when they realise that our Peruvian nino is taking the slitty-eyed piss. That's what you get when you cross Claudio Pizzarro with Lee Bowyer - racism and poor heading ability in one.
It’s a pretty well known fact within football that if Alex Ferguson or Arsene Wenger let a player leave their club, there is probably something wrong with them, whether it’s a recurring injury or the fact that they’re just a complete prick. The one man in the last five years that breaks this rule however is David Bentley, and you can guarantee that Wenger wishes he still had Bentley’s services, after a couple of seasons now where he has been about 20 times more effective than all of Arsenal’s wide-men combined.
