04 October, 2007

Mascot of the Week 7

Names – Bubbles and Herbie

Affiliation – West Ham United F.C.

Animal – Bubbles is apparently a bear (although looks more like a Japanese Manga-style cat) and Herbie is not actually an animal but rather a Hammer

Colour – Brown and Gun-Metal Grey respectively

Combined Level of Ridiculousness – 9 (they hug each other a lot…kind of a mixed message to kids)

Most common missile pelted with – Sharpened Danny Dyer DVDs

Distraction(from the hot Hammerettes dancing-girls at half time) Rating –10

For this week’s fantabulous Mascot feature, we have decided to focus on an interesting double act currently running riot in East London. Herbie the Hammer was introduced way back towards the club’s inception, presumably as a homage to West Ham’s history of originally being the Thames Ironworks company football team. Around the turn of the recent millenium, he was then joined by child-friendly ‘cuddle-monster’ Bubbles the Bear to form an unlikely duo, but one which has proved to be mildly popular with the home support.

Seen by some as a thinly-veiled reference to the I.C.F. hooligans’ weapon of choice, Herbie the Hammer has recently been at the centre of great controversy himself, culminating a vicious war of words with underwhelming ex-kids TV show wierdo Timmy Mallet. Herbie struck intellectual gold when he came up with the idea of seeing small foam versions of himself in the club shop, as something provocative for supporters to wave at the opposition, but the struggling Mallet prevented the club from following through after he claimed the toys bore too much of a resemblance to his own copyrighted ‘Pinky Punky’ toy. While preparing for yet another depressing Christmas spent doing cheap pantomime in Woking, Mallet offered the following comments: "Pinky Punky is a groovy hammer and that is part of my name. He is my trademark and he is what I do. It is important when you have something that is part of your life and livelihood, that you look after it." I couldn’t agree more Timmy, especially when you appear to be actually dating that special “part of your life.” It is on his left hand after all…

Bubbles was introduced as an antidote to the spiky Herbie, bizarrely drawing more interest from the club’s young fanbase than an oversized DIY tool. However, Bubbles too is plagued by his own inner demons. Kidnapped from the wild simply to fit in with the home support’s “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” anthem, Bubbles had always dreamed of becoming dramatic actor, even getting a final audition for a part in Pixar’s 1999 movie ‘Toy Story 2.’ The dream was cut short by vicious poachers in Wisconsin however, and now Bubbles is forced to live in a basement at Upton Park, fed only caterpillars, and released into daylight only every other weekend on match day. It truly is a modern tragedy; word on the street was that he was going to be the next Hamm the Piggy Bank.