African Football in non-Violence / Corruption / Death-related Story Shock

Firstly, thanks to the boys over at Unprofessional Foul for the tip-off on this one, as the mystery as to what Benjani Mwaruwaru has been up to since leaving Portsmouth gets cleared up a touch. You see, rather than get bogged down in the routine of playing football, he’s decided instead to cook up a nice little sex scandal, by coupling with the Zimbabwe Head of Soccer. Think not of some bearded posh man though, because THIS IS AFRICA, and as such, they appoint people like shapely Henrietta Rushwaya to posts of authority like this.

Ms Rushwaya allegedly overruled a long-standing team policy of a pre-match curfew for the players, so that she could bed the star striker, just hours before Zimbabwe were dumped out of World Cup qualifying in the first round. She is apparently in the habit of sanctioning such trysts, meeting Benjani anywhere and any time just to get some loving: “When (Benjani) comes home, especially on a siesta from his overseas club, he camps at Rushwaya’s residence where they live literary [sic] like husband and wife… Rushwaya herself is known for being generous with her body and numerous scribes have had a go. She is a very kind boss whose generosity has won her friends especially in the media as most of her scandals are deliberately swept under the carpet,” said the surprisingly Sun-esque anonymous tipster.

In a previous life, i.e. last year, Rushwaya was arrested and subsequently appeared in court on allegations of theft involving $2400. Dammit; so close to writing a whole article about African football without tarring it with the brush of criminality.

Criminology

Apologies to anyone who’s actually proud to be Nigerian, but that country just sounds like literally the worst place on earth. The latest saga that has come to the press’ attention is the kidnapping of Everton defender Joseph Yobo’s brother, seized on Saturday from a hotel in Port Harcourt. No group has yet claimed responsibility and no ransom has been demanded; in other words, it’s just another day in the hood. This incident comes almost a year after Newcastle forward Obafemi Martins survived an assassination attempt upon returning home to the country’s capital of Lagos.

Rivers State police spokeswoman Rita Inoma-Abbey told BBC Sport that an investigation had been carried out at the hotel where Norum Yobo was seized. All we know was that it took place late at night as he returned from a night-club with friends, and that the kidnappers were packing heat. “We have not heard anything yet from Mr Norum or the kidnappers but we will make a statement available as soon as we can establish contact with them,” she continued.

It’s common knowledge that in Nigeria kidnappings are fairly frequent occurrences, although they tend to be limited to oil workers, from whose companies the local ‘entrepreneurs’ can extort the most wonga. You see, although Nigeria is the continent's top oil producer (from the Niger Delta area), the general region remains deeply impoverished, and foreigners strut around in Armani and gold chains the width of a baby’s arm. In some ways you can understand the backlash here, but trying to kill your country’s heroes, or kidnapping their brothers? It’s pretty bad. I guess though that when Pele gets his wallet and phone ‘liberated’ at gunpoint down the road from where he grew up, it’s pretty clear that nothing is sacred anymore.

Oh finally, in other related news, Wilson Palacios’ brother, kidnapped late last year in Honduras, has been returned to his family unharmed. You might remember us doing a little spiel on this at the time, but being the focused journalists that we are, we subsequently forgot completely to check out what happened in the end.

Hell’s Bells

Craig Bellamy is not a particularly nice man. In the last six years, he has hit team-mates with steel chairs and golf clubs, been acquitted of racially abusing a night club bouncer, and even been cleared of assaulting women in two separate incidents. This small melting-pot of Welsh rage now faces his latest shame having being accused of attacking a charity worker in Africa this past weekend. Onlookers described Bellamy as going into a frenzy after he lost big money in a casino in war-torn Sierra Leone, home to plenty of automatic weapons and diamonds shaped (conveniently) like 50 Cent’s record label logo. Following a full day of binge-drinking, the pint-sized West Ham bench-warmer grabbed the charity worker in a textbook headlock and wrestled him to the floor, apparently forgetting that the main reason he’s in the country at the moment is to present a proposal for a football academy he intends to set up.

Bouncers eventually subdued Bellamy by jumping on him, and he was subsequently removed through a rear exit into the car park. The fracas went down in the ironically-named capital, Freetown, in the early hours of Saturday morning after Bellamy stopped into the Lagonda Casino for a quiet couple of night-caps with his two former SAS bodyguards. He’s so tough you see that he walks around with two enormous ex-soldiers, not for protection, but just in case he fancies a competitive fight if there aren’t any women or children around to cheapshot. Wasting no time, Bellamy apparently started pointing ominously at people within 20 minutes of his arrival in the casino: “He was playing on a roulette table when something seemed to upset him,” a mysteriously-English-speaking source told us. “He was shouting and squaring up to people at the table. A few seconds later he jumped on one guy and started wrestling with him on the floor. The guy involved was an Englishman who is in Sierra Leone to help raise money for a charity that works with children orphaned by the civil war.” Whatever mate, he was just some bleeding-heart trying to recycle his shoes. All I can hear is: he’s not a footballer so he’s completely worthless to society. Nice one Craig for putting this selfish fool in his place!

“Bellamy’s eyes were glazed over and he was in a rage,” the source dramatically continued. “There were casino chips flying in the air and all hell broke loose. It took the local bouncers several minutes to drag Bellamy out of the club and all the time he was shouting and screaming abuse at everyone.” Sounds pretty reasonable to me; if everyone wasn’t prepared to do and say exactly what Bellamy wanted then I think he was well within his rights to kick off. “This just isn’t the way people behave out here,” the witness said somewhat judgementally. “There are only a couple of places in Freetown where westerners can drink. The casino is popular with British consulate staff as well as workers from the non governmental organisations and charities that operate in Sierra Leone.” Ah, so Craig was upset that they were all a bunch of soft-drink-sipping pussies then as well? His case just gets stronger and stronger.

Unsurprisingly this incident might throw a cat amongst the Sierra Leonian pigeons (if they have them) when it comes to Bellamy’s football academy plans.

A different, but still unnamed, source told us today: “There were some important people there that night and they couldn’t believe what was happening. It is honourable that football stars want to give something back to the game but they cannot behave like this.”

Those of you with keen memories might recall David Beckham also visiting Sierra Leone earlier in the year, but the stupid girl didn’t even spit at or racially abuse anyone, so we didn’t give it any coverage.

Chief Gon Merc Up De Mandem

Thankfully not burdened by the inconvenience of the ongoing European Championships, the England national team are free to indulge in their favourite passtimes. As such, Wayne Rooney is off in Ibiza smoking and drinking, Joey Barton is in jail, D. Beck is getting his face tattooed, and good old Rio Ferdinand is dressing up in ridiculous clothes while people he doesn’t know tell him he’s great. Rio is currently shaking in his boots and going back to his roots in Africa, promoting education through football (not gun-crime) in Lagos, Nigeria. While standing on stage next to the clever chaps who actually came up with the proposal to build a football academy in the kidnap-tastic city, Rio used his trademarked ‘gun hands’ to highlight the plan’s key points expertly.

In the superb banquet that followed, King Akiolu gave Rio the honorary title of Chief Fiwagboola (seriously) which appropriately means “character maketh wealth.” The irony that a couple of weeks worth of Rio’s salary could significantly benefit the country’s poor and fractured infrastructure was seemingly lost on all involved however. The Nigerian King conducted the ceremony at his palace while wearing an old Manchester Untied shirt with his name on the back, which Rio apparently tried to get hold of to play one of his now legendary pranks. However, negotiations for the prank stalled when he approached one of the King’s aids and was told that he could do it, but then he would literally just be killed.

In a surprisingly out-of-character display of humility, Rio told The Sun: “I’m a little embarrassed to be named a Chief, I’m not sure I’m worthy. It’s something to tell the lads. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to call me Chief.” Rio launched the country’s street soccer festival and played a game against a team captained by the Governor of Lagos. The Governor said: “I hope this visit by Rio will inspire the young in our country today.” Without wanting to sound cynical (or racist) I’m sure it’ll only really inspire them to try and rob him. I mean, when you try and assassinate your country’s most famous footballer, you’ve got to ask questions.

How Much for your Integrity?

As we reported a little while ago, most league matches in Africa are fixed in one way or another. Some say it adds an interesting extra dimension to domestic competition, while others suggest that it maybe devalues a team’s achievement when they win things based on their organized crime/government monetary backing. That debate however is for another time. The point is that European football fans like to think that corruption and bribes only take place in the other-worldly and backwards place that is Africa; it’s nice and far away so it has nothing civilized in common with us nice, clever developed countries. Two years ago though, a major scandal ripped through the Italian top flight and the second tier, Serie B. Evidence was uncovered by Italian police implicating league champions Juventus, and other major teams including A.C. Milan, Fiorentina, Lazio and Reggina, in match-fixing when a number of telephone interceptions showed a thick network of relations between team managers and referee organisations. In the end only Juventus were truly punished hard, suffering relegation to Serie B, but all the other teams involved received point deductions for the following season, ranging between 3 and 15 based on the perceived severity of their involvement in the conspiracy. The last time such an incident had occurred in Serie A was way back 1980 when Milan and Lazio were relegated down a division, but until 2006, all thoughts of such backhand dealings still going on had been banished.
Now a similar controversy has reared its ugly head on our fine shores, with major revelations in the press over the weekend that a former Premier League star fixed a match to pay off a £50,000 gambling debt. Reportedly the unnamed ex-pro agreed to get himself sent off and also persuade three team-mates to get themselves booked as well. The gambling addict owed the cash to a private bookie (think Fat Tony from The Simpsons) but was told that the debt would be wiped out if he agreed to fix the match. His team subsequently lost the game, and therefore the mysterious player didn’t have any unfortunate accidents involving metal staircases or baseball bats.

The word is that the game in question took place some time within the last two years, but thus far no other information is available. The star involved then sought treatment for his addiction, and was said to be “ashamed and full of remorse” according to a similarly anonymous Sun informant. The astonishing confession occurred last week at a seminar on gambling at the Sporting Chance clinic in Hampshire, a centre founded by ex-Arsenal legend Tony Adams for sports stars battling addictions.

The source at the event further told of a lower division player who attempted suicide after racking up a £37,000 debt, while other disclosures supposedly implicated many current Premier League stars fighting cocaine addictions without the knowledge of their clubs. Chief executive Peter Kay (no not that one) said yesterday: “Neither I nor Sporting Chance are responsible for what an ex-client or client might say, but if you are asking whether I’m aware of this case, the answer is yes. I don’t believe the card business is widespread, but it has happened to my knowledge on several occasions,” he added candidly.

Helpfully The Sun is offering you a nice juicy cash reward should you want to shop this remorseful and clearly troubled ex-player to them. I’m not going to encourage that kind of behaviour by printing their contact details, but should you know any more info, give STT the tip-off first eh. We can’t promise you money, or a nice moody photo of yourself alongside the published story, but you should be safe in knowledge that you aren’t selling your soul.

Kings of Africa!

Now that the metaphorical (and possibly literal) dust has settled on this year’s African Cup of Nations, how did we all feel it went? Well, despite some pre-tournament cynicism from certain members of the STT editorial staff that it would just be three weeks of enormous guys built like boxers running around as fast as they could for 90 minutes until either side got a penalty, the 2008 spectacle in Ghana was nothing short of the most entertaining to date.

Perhaps most admirably, the overall philosophy of every team on display seemed to be that of pure attack, a style that certain European ‘superpowers’ could do with taking notice of. As such, this year’s African Cup was monumental on many levels, with average attendances way up from previous competitions and a record number of overall goals (99) scored across the three weeks. On an individual level too, records were impressively broken. Barcelona maestro Samuel Eto'o surpassed both Laurent Pokou's all-time goal-scoring record (16), and also Rigobert Song's appearance record (33). Finally, there was much rejoicing for Egypt’s Ahmed Hassan who became the first player to win the Cup three times, while as a country themselves, Egypt amazingly bagged their sixth title out of all 25 competitions.

Despite doubts that perhaps some of bigger names present, such as Didier Drogba, Mahamadou Diarra, Eto’O and the two Toure brothers, would struggle to motivate themselves as much as they would do for their club sides, the uniformly positive approach was refreshing, and only once was a game actually decided in extra-time, let alone penalties. The overall standard of goals too was excellent, with skill and trickery as prevalent as pace and power. Here then for your viewing pleasure are some of the tournament’s top goals in a compilation put together by some guy who’s more adept with video editing than we are:

Even the clang-tastic FIFA President Sepp Blatter was able to take his foot out of his mouth long enough to offer this:

“I have followed, with lots of interest, most of the matches of this competition and I have to say that the state of African football is at a very high level when compared to other tournaments around the world.”

Praise indeed I think you’ll agree. So with such a vast number African players permeating the major European leagues now, does this continent perhaps represent the future of football?

While you chew on that poser, and actually-almost-maybe anticipate the 2010 Cup to be held in Angola, STT would like to encourage you to finally luxuriate in one of the 1980s most moving songs and wonder to yourself if possibly this whole article was just an excuse to post a video of Toto…

Watch out for the fist-pumping harmony around 3:30. That shit cracks me up........

African Cup of Nations Roundup

So, the African Cup of Nations has its finalists. The championship game will take place in sunny Accra on Sunday will be played between the Pharaohs of Egypt and the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon. Sadly, the Black Starts of Ghana and the mighty Elephants of the Ivory Coast have fallen by the wayside.

The highly favoured Elephants were shamed 4-1 by the Pharoahs in a fantastically open game, which might have alerted the small army of European scouts to some exiting new talents. Ahmed Fathi and Amr Zaki scored the first two for Egypt one each side of half time, before Kader Keita quickly pulled on back with a peach of a long range strike (1:05 into the video):

Egypt's reply was positive and succint, with Zaki grabbing his second of the game and Mohamed Aboutreika adding the fourth and final 'teabagging' goal in injury time. Egypt looked very good all game going forward and at the back, with keeper Al-Hadri putting on a terrific display to frustrate Drogba and keep the Elephants to just the one goal. It was a different story between the sticks for the West African team, however, as stalwart Boubacar Barry was forced off at half time for the inexperienced Stephan Loboue, who has to shoulder some blame for the Pharoah's second and third goals. Kolo Toure had a performance to forget and was also at fault for Egypt's third.

Earlier in the day, the Indomitable Lions edged out the Black Stars in a very different, much more closely fought game. The only goal of the game came in the 71st minute from supersub Alain Nkong, who has fought his way back into the team this competiton, having last played for Cameroon in 2002. The goal came completely against the run of play, as Cameroon had only really had one chance all game, as globetrotting Newcastle utilty man Geremi hit the bar from 40 yards out. Ghana were wasteful all game, as Agogo and Addo missed easy chances in both halves. They were probably distracted by the prospect of being rewarded with booty for their performances. Ghana weren't as incisive in midfield as they have been this tournament, as Michale Essien was forced to play in the back line all game, replacing captain Thomas Mensah who was ruled out through suspension. Without Essien and their injured talisman Stephen Appiah in the engine room, Ghana didn't have enough grit or creativity and could not find an answer to Nkong's opener.

Possibly the most amusing moment of the tournament came during injury time, as Reading's Andre Bikey flipped out and got a bit too physical with a medic who was treating his teammate Rigobert Song:

Bikey got shown the red card for his amusing brutality, but he was most likely incensed by the poorly driven medical golf cart, which have been the scourge of the tournament.

The final will be a replay of the group game that took place a few weeks ago, where Egypt really showed their credentials with a highly convincing 3-0 win, with a thunderstrike from former Obscure African of the Week Mohamed Zidan. The Pharoahs must be favourites, as they look to defend their title and add to their five titles in four different decades. For the Black Stars and the Elephants, it's national shame and a tro-tro ride home, but they can be happy i the fact that they've got some truly mental fans.

Gis Agogo on Yer Bird

Beat that title red tops! I don’t know where they come from sometimes but I guess I just woke up in the zone this morning. Anywho, to celebrate Ghana’s 2 – 1 victory over Nigeria, scorer of the match-winning goal, Nottingham Forest’s Junior Agogo, was on Monday night 0ffered the ultimate reward.

24 hours after the quarter-final win, an 82 year old Ghanaian fan approached Agogo at the team’s hotel and promised his “very beautiful granddaughter” to the player as a way to thank him for his crucial goals. The octogenarian told the startled striker: “I came here last night with my very beautiful granddaughter to introduce her to you. She is not here with me now because she wanted to pick something up from town. Son, when she comes, she is all yours.” The 28 year old playboy was reportedly over the moon as just then he was on his way into town to pick up a prostitute anyway. He told the grand-father: “Thank you, I am waiting to see her.” Unfortunately it transpired that she wasn’t actually all that, a bit too much junk in the trunk if you know what I mean, but still, you have to respect the sentiment of slavery.

Not the dusky beauty that was offered, but probably what Junior was after

While the phrase ‘only in Africa’ springs to mind, one wonders if perhaps this wise old man has hit on something here. Certain players consistently seem to lack motivation, so why not use the incentive of a new girlfriend as a tool to encourage 110% effort week in, week out? Or better still, if they already have a wife, why not simply kidnap her and hold the WAG to ransom? If they’ve got kids, fuck it, grab them too! Nothing says you mean business as a football manager more than blackmail and extortion.

African Cup of Brown Paper Envelopes?

Benin coach Reinhard Fabisch was approached by a gentleman before Benin's game against Mali on Wednesday, who asked if he could fix the match. Benin ulitmately lost the game 1-0 to a Fredi Kanoute penalty. Fabisch claims that he gave this chap pretty short shrift, telling him:

'Look, you have two minutes to leave the hotel or I will call the police'

Remembering that the Ghanaian police's response time is under 24 hours, this chap promptly scarpered. No money was offered, but Fabisch explained that he assumed payment would be forthcoming if he agreed to fix the match. He went on to say that he was willing to furnish the authorities with the name and number of the gentleman in question.

'I think that African players are vulnerable to this kind of approach, because many of them don't have money.... This is why poor countries like Benin are targeted

What makes this all the more amusing is Fabisch's moniker, which makes him sound like he could be Bruno's camp assistant on Funkyzeit mit Bruno. The brashness of the chap with the bundle of notes in this story is amazing, as I know from personal experience that it is very hard to bribe a German. Well, with money at least. Not with beer!

I wants me them glasses.

Obscure African of the Week

STT has been slightly skeptical about the African Cup of Nations, viewing it with the suspicion reserved for American lager and supermarket brand baked beans. It is very different to European league football, as players are encouraged to shoot the second they get in the opposition half, but before they get anywhere near the 18 yard box. The reliance on hard tackling has led to some pretty staccato games, with refs stopping the action every minute. Still, it's quite tempting to watch, with a number of players from the Premier League and Championship attending, demonstrated by the Ivory Coast vs. Nigeria game earlier this week, which seemed like Arsenal vs. Portsmouth, with a dash of Watford, Chelsea and Newcastle thrown in. Other games have alerted the horde of scouts to certain player's potential. And here is the first:


Name - Mohamed Zidan

Affiliation - Hamburg and Egypt

Reason for Coolness - Much like Wagner Love, previously one of our Obscure South Americans of the Week, Zidan has a pretty good line in haircuts. Although he's not quite in the same league as Djibril Cisse in terms of follicular sculpting, getting your team's crest carved into your head is pretty cool.

Being from North Africa with a name like Zidan can only mean one thing - he will be followed everywhere by the tag 'The New Zidane', which has most recently been attributed to young Samir Nasri. However, during yesterday's 4-2 victory over the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon, Zidan scored a bit of a cracker:

That celebration will take some beating in a competition full of them. The little dance is good, the mounting and face-sitting makes it better, but the synchronised prayer is truly unique.

Diarra, Diarra, Diarra!!

With the move of Lassana Diarra to Portsmouth fresh in everyone’s mind, STT has decided to walk you through the current quagmire that is the Diarras. Now Alou, Lassana and Mahamadou are all of Malian descent but only Mahamadou has retained this Africa nationality, as the other two were both actually born in France so have featured for the French national side over the last few years. They were also all unfortunately tagged with the kisses of death “the new Patrick Viera” or “the new Claude Makélélé” by the media, but are they actually any good?

Although initially we had planned to get the three chaps together in STT’s editorial HQ and have a milk race to decide who was the king of the Diarras, our HSE man advised us that this probably wouldn’t be the best course of action. Instead therefore we offer you some words of wisdom to help you loyal reader to decide for yourself…

Alou:

Despite being attached to such European heavyweights as Bayern Munich, Liverpool and Lyon, Alou is perhaps the least successful and least well known of the Diarras. Despite being seen as somewhat of an embarrassment at Lyon last season, the club still received offers for the defensive midfielder from Manchester City, Portsmouth and Werder Bremen, before finally agreeing a sale worth €7.75m to rival French side Bordeaux. Improved form this season, along with a couple of vital goals, have earned him 12 caps for France now but at 26 years of age it certainly seems like Alou might have missed his window for greatness.

Lassana:Initially bought by Jose Mourinho at Chelsea seemingly to stop anyone else buying him, Lassana experienced only sporadic first team football during his two years at Stamford Bridge, appearing only 13 times before being sold to Arsenal at the last minute as August 2007’s transfer window closed. However, despite praise from Arsene Wenger and numerous impressive showings in the Carling Cup, once again, Lassana failed to attain the regular first team football he desired and deserved. Now at Portsmouth, the 22 year old defensive midfielder still has a chance to make a name for himself under Harry Redknapp, especially with the revelationary Sulley Muntari currently off on an African adventure with Ghana. The youngest of the bunch, Lassana could certainly shake off the unhelpful comparisons and actually achieve the same level of club and international success as Makélélé.

Mahamadou:

Perhaps the least known of the three to British readers, Mahamadou is on paper at least the best of the bunch, with 4 years of success at Lyon under his belt, and a dream move to Real Madrid last season. For the incredible price tag of €26m (£17.7m) you might expect the second coming, but as with the other two Diarras, Mahamadou is not a match winner but once again a “water carrier.” Strong, fit and with a fierce temper, he played a crucial role in Madrid’s La Liga title last year, allowing the likes of Guti and Robinho the space to play. Currently wanted by Inter Milan as a replacement for the soon-to-be-retiring Viera, I guess Mahamadou is the man most likely to succeed the veteran Frenchman as the desirable archetype for the next generation.

Are you African or African’t?

Has it really been two years already? Wow, count me excited. Why you might ask. Well it’s because Africa’s finest are currently comandeering planes and stealing boats throughout Europe as we speak in preparation for the biggest showcase of African football since the 2006 tournament, won by five time champions Eygpt.

Given the incredible influx of African-born players into not only the Premier League, but also the other top European leagues, the word on everyone’s lips is not anticipation of the tournament, but rather beef over players lost from club sides for the three week duration of the Cup. Many figures connected with the English game such as Chelsea boss Avram Grant and Portsmouth Assistant Manager Joe Jordan have called for the tournament to be re-scheduled to the summer, when it would run concurrent with the European Championships, but so far the African FA have revealed no such plans.

While Aston Villa, Derby (potential new signing Hossam Ghaly has withdrawn from the Eygptian squad), Fulham, Manchester United and Manchester City currently have no players involved in the African Nations, every other top flight side in the country stands to lose at least one player. So, apart from Fantasy Football competitors around the country, who will be most affected?

ARSENAL
Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Eboue (Ivory Coast), Alexandre Song (Cameroon)

While Mr Song has featured only sporadically in the Carling Cup campaign, messers Eboue and Toure are obviously key members of Arsene Wenger’s preferred starting XI. Personally I think Eboue is no great loss, especially given the cover Arsenal have in his position, but Toure is truly irreplaceable. Sure Gallas is a great defender but who will partner him? Senderos? Djorou? Opposition forwards will be rubbing their hands in glee. The Gunners got lucky not losing Adebayor too though, as his Togo side were beaten by Mali in the match that sparked this incident.

Size of manager’s tumor – grapefruit
BIRMINGHAM
Richard Kingson (Ghana), Mehdi Nafti and Radhi Jaidi (Tunisia)

While keeper Kingson has played very little this year, the Tunisian pair have been on song for the Brummies all year and taking them out of an already stretched squad might prove too much for newly appointed Alex McLeish.

Size of manager’s tumor – canteloupe melon

BLACKBURN
Aaron Mokoena (South Africa)

With Benni McCarthy now retired from international football, Mark Hughes is lucky to be losing just the one player. Mokoena has played well this year but shouldn’t prove too large a hole to plug to keep the in-form Rovers rising up the table.

Size of manager’s tumor - satsuma

BOLTON
El-Hadji Diouf (Senegal), Abdoulaye Meite (Ivory Coast)

Coupled with the supposedly impending departure of Nikolas Anelka, Bolton could be in trouble here, with Diouf consistently worth his place for nuisance value alone. Meite too has been impressive this year, and as with Birmingham, such a small squad needs all hands to the pump if they are to survive the drop.

Size of manager’s tumor – ripe orange

CHELSEA
John Obi Mikel (Nigeria), Didier Drogba and Saloman Kalou (Ivory Coast), Michael Essien (Ghana)

Last season’s leading goal-scorer, one of the Premier League’s most powerful and influential midfielder, and then their two respective bitches, would certainly count as a significant loss, especially with Chelsea stretched across four competitions at the moment. Money might well solve the problem for Avram Grant though.

Size of manager’s tumor – swollen pear

EVERTON
Joseph Yobo and Ayegbeni Yakubu (Nigeria), Steven Pienaar (South Africa)

Certainly a potential oil-slick for the rising Toffees. Pienaar has been tricky all year, and in Yobo and Yakubu they have one of the best central defenders and one of most dangerous forwards gone for many vital games. Cover exists in defence but the powers-that-be might need to dig into their pockets to find another decent striker.

Size of manager’s tumor – beef tomato (yes it’s a fruit)

LIVERPOOL
Nabil El-Zhar (Morocco), Muhammed Sissoko (Mali)

You don’t miss what you never use. Sissoko has been side-lined all year due to the abundance of excellent central midfield talent at Anfield, and to be honest I’ve never even heard of El-Zhar.

Size of manager’s tumor – grape pip

MIDDLESBROUGH
Mohamed Shawky and Mido (Egypt)

Again, with neither of them regularly playing for Gareth Southgate’s side, the affect will be minimal. Well with Mido gone, maybe the other players will get more of a go at the buffet actually.

Size of manager’s tumor – lychee stone

NEWCASTLE
Obafemi Martins (Nigeria), Geremi (Cameroon), Abdoulaye Faye and Habib Beye (Senegal)

With Allerdyce under so much pressure anyway, the loss of four first choice starters has to take it’s toll. Club captain Geremi is obviously a class act, Faye and Beye have been pretty good all season, and in Martins they have probably the most explosive player in the country. What’s the betting these four chaps come home to a different boss?

Size of manager’s tumor – pumpkin (again, yes it is a fruit, and the world’s largest fruit no less!)

PORTSMOUTH
Papa Bouba Diop (Senegal), Nwankwo Kanu and John Utaka (Nigeria), Sulley Muntari (Ghana), Lauren (Cameroon)

Another side on the up in the Premier League severely hit by the tournament. Admittedly Lauren has featured little, and Kanu is only good for twenty minutes here or there these days, but Bouba Diop, Muntari and Utaka have been three of the most exciting players of the season so far and no side in the world would fail to miss their influence.

Size of manager’s tumor - watermelon

READING
Andre Bikey (Cameroon), Emerse Fae (Ivory Coast), Ibrahima Sonko (Senegal)

Three big losses in more ways than one, these guys have featured on and off for Reading all season. The Royals have a deep, albeit young, squad however and will most likely be able to just about paper over the cracks for three weeks.

Size of manager’s tumor - mango

SUNDERLAND
Dickson Etuhu (Nigeria)

Just the one player, but a prominent one nonetheless. The ex-Norwich man has been decent when called on for Roy Keane’s side, but as with Reading, Sunderland should have enough to live without him for three weeks.

Size of manager’s tumor - apple

TOTTENHAM
Didier Zokora (Ivory Coast)

Included in the vast group of players dubbed “the new Patrick Viera”, Zokora has done little to warrant the hyperbole since joining Spurs last year. With Jenas and Huddlestone performing so well for the resurgent North London outfit, Diddles will likely not be missed.

Size of manager’s tumor - cherry

WEST HAM UNITED
John Pantsil (Ghana), Henri Camara (Senegal)

With superior cover in both positions, the Hammers will be fine without Pantsil and Camara for the duration of the tournament. They will miss Camara's fantastic wristbands, though.

Size of manager’s tumor - fig

WIGAN
Salomon Olembe (Cameroon), Julius Aghahowa (Nigeria)

Having played just thrice for Wigan Olembe will be no great loss, however with Emile Heskey still sidelined, Aghahowa would undoubtedly have played a part for Steve Bruce’s side in the coming matches. The former Shakhtar Donetsk man may not have hit the back of the net for Wigan yet but his overall play has been steadily improving this season.

Size of manager’s tumor – passion fruit

Bonus extra - African Cup of Nations Mascots of the Week


This year's mascot is named Agro-Hene, the 'King of the Game'. He's an attractive large eagle, but a big fluffy Black Star would have been more appealing.


Still, Agro-Hene beats the loincloth off of Egypt's 2006's mascot. Called 'Croconile', (a clever fusing of the words Crocodile and Nile) this punk has more in common with Gunnersaurus Rex than a mighty bird of prey.

Best Celebration Ever?

Players from African nations have been playing in the highest leagues in europe for some decades now, but the recent influx has been a great benefit to The Premiership, especially in terms of goal celebrations. Lomano Tresor Lualua and Obafemi Martins are the names that spring to mind. However, all these flips and whatnot pale in comparison to a goalkeeper vibrating along on his arse:

Back to Africa

If you thought unbelievably shameless corruption and match-fixing was the only reason to watch African football, think again. Chances are that if you’re lucky you might even get to join in an actual riot! In the recent titanic showdown between Mali and Togo, it properly kicked off when Mali cruised to victory 2-0, helped by Stoke City behemoth Mamaday ‘Big Mama’ Sidibe, who almost paid the ultimate price for his performance.

Sidibe was knocked unconscious when Togo fans invaded the pitch after the win for Mali pipped them to a place in next year's African Cup of Nations finals, and he then subsequently lacerated two muscles in his right arm when he was actually dragged through a window during a desperate struggle to escape the trouble. The 27-year-old striker was still too distressed to talk about the John McClane-esque incident at length yesterday, but confirmed: “I think I am going to be out for three weeks, but at least I am safe now.” Sidibe's injury will undoubtedly leave both club and the player questioning the wisdom of his participation of future matches in Africa, especially after the rioters even smashed up the ambulances at the stadium so he had to be rushed to hospital in an army vehicle. Potteries manager Tony Pulis offered this comment: “By the sounds of it, he could have come out of it a lot worse. If an artery had been severed instead of muscles, it could have been fatal. You just can't believe this has happened at a football match.” This ain’t football though Tony, THIS IS AFRICA.

The riot is currently being investigated by African football chiefs, while FIFA are more than likely to examine a report from their representative at the game. The attacks are suspected to be revenge for similar bloodshed in Mali in 2006, when a World Cup qualifier against Togo had to be abandoned because of rioting fans, but apparently additional security measures were deemed unnecessary. This comes just months after all round Original Gangster and poster-child Obafemi Martins narrowly escaped an assassination attempt in his native Nigeria. He survived by doing this:

Cradle of Mutha-F**kin’ Civilisation

African football is still in a severe state of shock a week after the worst match-fixing attempt ever has been exposed, earning Cameroonian side Bamboutos F.C. a double relegation. Authorities were tipped off to this audacious attempt to circumvent the sanctity of Cameroon Football Federation (a.k.a. ‘Fecafoot’) laws after their captain Koss Roger actually handed an envelope containing money to opposition Federal F.C.’s skipper Nkouma Rim on the pitch. Conspicuously, just minutes later Rim let Roger breeze past him to score in his side's eventual 3-2 win. Bruce Grobbelaar would be proud.

Despite having over 1000 witnesses, Roger’s plan was still expected to work apparently, as early in the first half he faked injury and was given a cash-stuffed envelope by his team's medic to pass onto a relevant opposition player. One fan could not believe his eyes: “He literally just passed Kim the money on the field. Kim even opened the money to count it, handing Roger back a twenty for his troubles!”

Both Roger and Kim have been banned for two years, while Bamboutos’ physio and medical advisor each received three year bans for their actions. Presumably they were the brains behind this ingenuity.

Unfortunately such instances are not a new thing to football in Cameroon. Just last year, leading referee Divine Evehe made an explicit appeal to all club managers: “Please stop calling us on the eve of your games…If you stop making proposals and attempts to corrupt referees, we shall be impartial. Leave us alone!"

This was after another slightly suspicious instance in 2005 where, on the final day of the season, Federal themselves needed to win by 7 clear goals to claim the title as they were tied with several other sides on points. After reportedly bribing the entire other team, they ended up winning 14-1. Presumably the 1 was so the authorities didn't catch on.

With this all in mind, don’t Chelsea’s two recent Premier League titles look all the more suspicious????

Enjoy the cradle of muthaf**ckin civilisation around half way through.