Don Mourinho

Older ladies favourite Jose Mourinho has warned Chelsea that he will be gunning for his former club more than most if he faces them next season. The Portuguese maestro was unceremoniously sacked earlier this season by owner Roman Abramovich after the Russian billionaire was continually unimpressed by the workmanlike performances Mourinho was encouraging out of his Chelsea team. A clause in his severance package was that Mourinho would not legally be allowed to manage another English team for three years, so obviously that narrowed down the sides that might potentially interest him.

Mourinho is looking to return to football management next season though, and is apparently relishing the prospect of going up against his former employers in the Champions League, according to an interview hosted on the BBC sports site.

“I hope to play them next season in the Champions League,” Mourinho said. “If I play them in the Champions League, I want to go there and kill them - that's my message.”

So he’s pretty serious then. Much like a cuckolded lover, he added that he felt “nothing” for Chelsea successor Avram Grant, despite still holding the club itself dear: “I feel everything for the club, but not for him (Grant) personally. I still feel Chelsea is a part of me, I'll have Chelsea in my heart forever.”

Speculation is obviously rife as to Mourinho’s next job, with the major sides in Europe apparently battling it out behind closed doors for his signature. So will it be Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan or Juventus that next plays host to the ‘special one’ and his theatrics? You can say what you want about his methods, but the sooner the man is back in football the better, things could get pretty interesting next season.

Allerdyce Gets the Boot

Sam Allerdyce has become the umpteenth managerial casualty of the season, as he has left the club by mutual consent. By mutual consent, we mean that the American Chairman told him that he was 'holding them back' and it was high time that he jogged on.

Allerdyce has been under fire for the last few months, having overseen a poor run of results, including three straight defeats over the Christmas period. Newcastle is a big club with big ambitions, having made the Champions League and having lead the Premiership in recent years, but sacking the big chap will not make any difference to the club's achievements in either the short or long term.

Allerdyce's sacking will inevitably harm the club more than it heals it, as he has brought in many of his men as assisstants, (with big contracts to boot) while signing a number of players that suit his style of play ahead of the beautiful game that Newcastle has been trying to present for the last ten years. Beye and Newcastle's captain Geremi are two prime examples of this, while Big Sam was lining up a bid for his old skipper and confidante Kevin Nolan, who would have admirably filled a Barton-shaped hole in central midfield. In lieu of these signings, a new manager will likely find this dodgy bunch surplus to requirements, along with the mediocre likes of Smith, Carr and the truly terrible Rozenhal, wasting millions of Dave Ashley's hard earned/spent cash in the process.

Since it sacked Bobby Robson after only four games in 2004, Newcastle seems like an adolescent child divorcing its parents for the second time in three and a half years. Maybe it feels that it's time to get rid of its leader after some bad arguments, but the club has snubbed the two managers of recent years who have given it the greatest chances of success. There is no clear replacement, as Big Al has ruled himself out, while other available managerial stars are either unlikely to be interested (Mourinho, Klinsmann) or no better than Sam Allerdyce himself (Martin Jol, Steve McClaren).

It's a bad day to be Geordie. On the other hand, it's a truly hilarious day to be a Mackem or a Smog.

Jose The Big Bad Playground Bully

Jose before his bullying days

If all the Premiership managers from the past few seasons were all in the playground at school together, there would be a few certainties. Big Sam and Harry Redknapp would be gambling and smoking tabs behind the bike sheds, while Roy Keane administered a vicious bog-flushing to the nerdy Arsene Wenger. Martin Jol would be the class clown and Bobby Robson would be the guy that everyone liked. Aidy 'sicknote' Bothroyd and Glenn 'cancer head' Roeder would be picked last for the kickaround, while Graeme Souness would constantly be in lunchtime detention for his dour and surly attitude.

Keano might not have been the biggest bully, however. Fergie would run the playground like it was his manor, occasionally inviting the other child managers into his office in the scout hut, to drink vintage fizzy pop and recruit them to his gang. Jose Mourinho would be the nastiest piece of work there, pontificating to anyone and everything, occasionally scrapping with boys big and small. Now a 44 year old man, it seems that Mourinho still has the vengeful vitriol of youth, as he proceeded to accost a 12 year old lad after the child had a disagreement with Jose's daughter:

The self-proclaimed 'Special One' flew into a rage when his 11-year-old daughter told him about playground jibes that he was not "the best", it has been revealed.

He found the culprit, a 12-year-old schoolboy, and held him by the hair while he "pulled" his ears, the Portuguese newspaper Correio da Manha reported.

Mr Mourinho, 44, was then summoned before the headmistress and made to formally apologise to his tearful victim and his family.

Read the full story, as told by the Evening Standard, which has at least 3 reporters stalking Mourinho at all times. From the sounds of things, the kid probably deserved it. At the time of press, there are unconfirmed rumours that he said Jose's haircut was 'well gay'.

Jose's Brains and Valid Points

Here are a couple of the least surprising facts ever. Firstly, Jose Mourinho has a book almost finished where he talks about his career up until his recent departure from Chelsea, and secondly, the club’s executive management and fans don’t come off too well in it.

Now J-to-the-Ose is saying what everyone else has been thinking for the past few years about Chelsea fans and I guess his comments are symptomatic of the way football in this country has headed over the last decade or so. The game, especially in the Premier League, is no longer for your average working class bloke to take his son along to because nine times out of ten he simply can’t afford it anymore. When you think of the price of two tickets, plus transport and ‘refreshments,’ we’re talking basically a 100 squid afternoon.

Anyway, enough soap-boxing, read what your girlfriend’s favourite man over 40 said for yourself:

“ And there’s a common denominator among them all – they’re foreigners, which fits in with the general profile of the fan of the club. Whoever is a foreigner and leads a life above the means of the average citizen is a fan of Chelsea because Chelsea have the most expensive tickets, the most expensive meals, their social life around the game is more important than that of other clubs.

“Because they have that spending power, the Chelsea fan is more ‘society’ and, of course, that’s reflected in the stadium, with the support they give the team.

" It's a soft sort of fan who doesn't get behind the team a lot....... they create a different atmosphere because a lot of our fans also go to the opera, the theatre, other types of shows that don't lend themselves to lots of shouting. That's the Chelsea fan. That's why Chelsea have some difficulty in asserting themselves as a great club of English football.

"The Chelsea fan, he's the suit & tie fan...with economic power, almost the antithesis of the fan in England, if you like, of low social status, the fan who has difficulty with coping with ticket prices, the fan who has a long history of support for the club. So we're not talking about West Ham or Arsenal.”

Grant Out as Managers Become an Endangered Species

At STT, we like to think that we played a part in his departure, offering cries of 'boo' and 'Grant out' on Monday night. Now the rubber faced chap is back on civvy street.

Claiming that 'the balls didn't bounce the right way for him', Canaries fans would question whether he had any balls to bounce in the first place.

The list of Managers recently binned is growing, with big clubs such as Palace, Chelsea and er.... Millwall giving their gaffers the heave-ho. STT predicts that the next big manager to get the chop will be everyone's pre-season favourite - the wholly inoffensive Chris Hutchings of Wigan semi-fame. He's a nice chap with a fair amount of experience, but they face a tough run of 6 games including trips to both North London teams, while they entertain Pompey and Chelsea at home. He also inspires very little confidence in front of the cameras or on the sideline and may have lost control of his players, as they went mental over Kevin Kilbane's second yellow at Newcastle last month. The upshot of this was a £20,000 fine. Ouchies.

Gameweek 7 – ‘Five! What you waiting four?’

Happy Monday, hope everyone is feeling nicely rested after the weekend. Couple of absolute thrillers this weekend from perhaps unlikely sources, as Fulham and Middlesbrough hosted great advertisements for the Premier League. Similarly Arsenal put on a pretty good display against struggling Derby, scoring five but it genuinely could’ve been a cricket score. Elsewhere, Benitez’s tinkering once again baffled everyone, with Torres starting on the bench for the second Saturday running, meaning they dropped points at home to a resolute Birmingham side. Meanwhile, Everton continue their fall from grace and looked like they couldn’t hit sand from a camal on Sunday, against an excellent Villa side who are slowly working their way up to the business end of the table. Finally, Manchester United comfortably beat Chelsea in a fairly underwhelming game which saw the ‘new look’ Blues play flop miserably in front of their owner and his special guest Marco van Basten. Don’t get too comfortable Avram, your “long-term” appointment might get cut short if things don’t dramatically change soon.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Steve Harper (another superb all round display)

Defence – Matthew Upson (despite the result, he was excellent at the back and a constant threat from set pieces), Charles N’Zogbia (basically a perfect performance from the winger turned left back), Steve Kelly (dealt with everything and kept Babel very quiet down the flank), Ivar Ingimarsson (another confident display from the underrated Icelander)

Midfield – Cesc Fabregas (it’s getting boring saying how good he is), Martin Petrov (two sweet goals capped off another flawless performance from the Bulgarian maestro), Gary O’Neil (quality showing from the ex-Pompey man on his home debut for Boro), Gabriel Agbonlahor (pick of the bunch in another great display from the young Villa midfield)

Up Top – Mark Viduka (the big Aussie legend oozed class and reminded everyone that when he’s in the mood, he’s still up there with the best), Emmanuel Adebayor (Thierry who?)

Weekly Awards:

Nutmeg of the Week – Shevchenko gets Evra so bad that the French wing-back fell over and even took Vidic down with him.

Goal of the Week – Abou Diaby for skipping past two Derby men effortlessly and rocketing it into the top corner.

Save of the Week – Petr Cech for clawing out Rooney’s early effort / Brad Friedel for his immense double save from Kanu.

Skill of the Week – Ryan Giggs for his delightful outside of the foot cross for Tevez’s opener at Old Trafford.

Effort of the Week – Fernando Torres for his incredibly athletic bicycle kick. If it had been a foot lower, we’re talking goal of the season.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Supposedly Frank hasn’t stopped crying since Jose’s departure so unfortunately couldn’t make the game this week. Would’ve made all the difference though I’m sure.

Horror Movie Extra Audition of the Week – Borja Oubina bellowed in agony after twisting awkwardly and rupturing his cruciate ligament. No-one needs that.

Haircut of the Week – Charles N’Zogbia for a shaved pattern that can only have been produced a child’s Etch-a-Sketch.

If-Ronaldinho-Can-Do-It-So-Can-I Moment of the Week – Dave Kitson gives the Wigan defence the eyes, and slips a beautiful disguised pass the other way through to Harper for Reading’s winner.

Fight of the Week – Young skinheads Grant Leadbitter and Lee Cattermole get stuck into each other, Northern-council-estate stylee

Miss of the Week – Obafemi Martins dances round Rob Green only to hit the side netting. He’ll be grateful Newcastle were already well over the finishing line.

Sniper in the Crowd of the Week – Louis Saga takes one in the spinal chord to buy Manchester United a last minute penalty.

It’s-A-Long-Drive-Home-For…of the Week – Derby fans, management and players. Thanks for turning up guys!

Vampire of the Week – Once again the excellent shot-stopper Kaspar Schmiechel proves how terrified he is of crosses.

Quote of the Week – Former Chelsea captain Ray Wilkins tries to win the competition of saying ‘win’ as many times as possible in one sentence: "I'm absolutely astounded at what's happened…Winning football matches is what the game's about and (Jose) is a winning manager who puts a winning mentality in players' heads and they go and win things."

Hero of the Week – Arsene Wenger for handling the departure of a certain Mr. Henry so impressively as Arsenal look out of this world at the moment.

Zero of the Week – Avram Grant unfortunately; Chelsea were pretty dire yesterday, but the clincher is that his wife once drank her own piss live on Israeli TV. Not even for a bet or anything.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Wes Brown whiting himself up after sliding face first across an apparently very freshly painted dead ball line at Old Trafford.

Gameweek 6 – ‘You’re Gunner Have a Good Time’

Happy Monday everyone, and after the exciting international break we are pleased to be back down to regular business. Firstly though, a shout out to the England squad and backroom staff, nobody can really argue with two 3-0 scorelines, even me. Secondly, also a massive big up to everyone involved in Scotland’s glorious win over France midweek, any victory over the French is surely a victory for football in general.
Anyways, another interesting weekend, with two of the big 4 held to goalless draws, and Man City further solidifying their place as serious contenders as they sit second in the league table. In other news, this season’s first North London derby saw a comprehensive victory for Arsene Wenger’s kids, heaping even more pressure onto the strained looking Martin Jol. Its ok Martin, we still like you, just go chill out with a smoke and a pancake and everything with sort itself out soon!

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Brad Friedel (several world class saves from the ever-impressive Yank)

Defence – Glen Johnson (handled the very differing threats of Crouch and Torres well), Jaime Carragher (immense as ever), Leighton Baines (impressive both in defence and attack), Danny Higginbotham (confident transition back into the top flight)

Midfield – Cesc Fabregas (ran the game and notched up his fifth goal of the season already), Sebastien Larsson (excellent general play and top drawer set-piece delivery), Papa Bouba Diop (strong and positive throughout), Martin Petrov (Michael Johnson may get all the plaudits but it was Petrov who was behind everything City created)

Up Top – Emmanuel Adebayor (fantastic all round performance, topped off with an early contender for goal of the season), Kenwyne Jones (involved in every attack and caused real problems for an already ragged-looking Reading)

Weekly Awards:

Nutmeg of the Week – Arbeloa getting Benjani with a timely back-heel

Goal of the Week – Adebayor’s cracker of a second goal; sweet first touch to tee it up and then his inordinantly long right leg did the rest
Save of the Week – Dynamite penalty save by Pepe Reina from a rather casual looking Kanu, who was otherwise excellent

Skill of the Week – Didier Drogba's attire on the sideline was sublime. He neatly rounded off a cream blazer with a back to front New-Kids-On-The-Block style cap. Jackass.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Another big performance by Frank, marshaled the midfield to a thrilling scoreless draw at home to Blackburn. What would they do without him? Additional kudos for still having the appetite for the club game after the pressures of two crucial England performances in a week

Wrestling Move of the Week – Papa Bouba Diop unleashing a running clothesline into Benayoun’s face

UFC Move of the Week – Shevchenko delivers a perfect T.K.O. kick to the head of Samba

Can-We-Have-Our-Money-Back Moment of the Week – £16.5 million pound Darren Bent jogs on with Tottenham 2 – 1 down at home to Arsenal, what better way to win over the home fans than with a goal? Ball drops to him on the edge of the box, no defenders in sight…slices it off for a throw-in. Nice one.

‘Try Saving’ tackle of the Week – Toure spreads his legs (easy now) to prevent Berbatov putting Spurs 2 – 0 ahead, after the Bulgarian had already rounded the suspect Almunia

Blow for England of the Week – Heskey limps off early with a suspected broken toe (never thought I’d genuinely consider the loss of Heskey detrimental to anything but how times have changed)

Best Advert Slogan That Sounds Like a Porno…of the Week – Nike’s new phenomenally titled “Put it where you want it” tour. I’m not gonna say anything, it’s just too easy

Whinge of the Week – Mourinho throwing a TV monitor in the general direction of the fourth official after Kalou was given offside from Belleti’s cross, even though he was actually behind the Brazilian full-back when the ball was played. Interesting. Here’s Jose to clarify: “I could feel immediately the movement, somebody that understands the game and feels the football, smells the situation…it was easy to see, it was obvious.” Er, what?

Quote of the Week – “The team with the best players tends to do the best.” Good to see that years of inexplicable hyperbole haven’t blunted Andy Gray’s powers of deduction.

Hero of the Week – Got to be Dean Ashton for bagging his goal since the FA Cup Final 2006, well done fella, nice to have you back amongst the goals. What is with the haircut though, did you lose a bet?
Zero of the Week – A few candidates for this one but I think it might have to be Shevchenko for yet another apparently clueless performance. It’s almost like he’s been possessed because he seems to have literally no memory of how to even run, let alone kick a ball. Either that or he’s laughing all the way to the bank at the ridiculous wages Abramovich is prepared to give him.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Seeing an old-fashioned contested drop-ball in the Portsmouth match, and would you look at that, no-one got their legs broken or their eyes gauged out. Can we have more of them again please?

Born sniffing - site overview

We acknowledge that our main emphasis must be on the Premier League, but never fear fellow disciples of the Real League^TM (trademark pending!) and below for we shall attempt to focus on all other non-Premier League matters as often as we can too. Expect forthcoming features on promising lower league talent, as well as weekly moments demonstrating why the average Championship player is more worth his place in the International team than Frank Lampard, or Fat Lampard as he is affectionally known as at home these days.

Expect also mild coverage of matters abroad, reporting at least results, but also highlighting great goals and tricks from the big guns in Spain, Italy, Germany and France. Well, maybe not France actually, but perhaps the odd bit of Juninho magic. We want to capture as broad a spectrum of top flight football as possible so even if it just youtube links to nutmegs, you will be kept in the loop. Also, we reserve the right to demand a 10% finders fee on any imported players who we have previously commented on during the course of the website, we have the legit paperwork so don’t even try to get around it. Mourinho I’m looking at you here...one of my friends is (almost) a lawyer and he can’t wait to take you to the “fucking cleaners” as he so eloquently puts it. Scouts gotta get paid too!

So, to today’s launch then. You will find therefore an overview of (hopefully) all Premier League transfers to date, and also some general speculation about each team’s chances this year as I see it. My crystal ball is feeling particularly sharp at the moment so gamblers take note of my wise words and re-mortgage your house for pony; the top four teams at the end of the season will be…in no particular order…well, alphabetical order…drum roll please…Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester Unitedl! There, you can thank me later. I accept payment by cheque, paypal and niche pornography only.

As you can see, this crystal ball can sometimes produce bizarre and leftfield results but trust me, you can take its word to the bank. I once asked it what form heaven would take after my death and it replied with “re-incarnation as the rose tattoo on Cheryl Tweedy’s upper thigh.” Good enough for me.

Yowzer. Furthermore, we have also attempted to collect together some lists of players to look out for this year, as well as a few short pieces on significant pre-season incidents and news. So, pull your trousers back up and enjoy this new (slightly more social) reason to use the internet and most importantly tell your friends. NOW. Because if you don’t you’ll only regret it later, when everyone else has jumped on the bandwagon and claimed they discovered this veritable Aladdin’s Cave first. Plus, it hopefully won’t be long until this beautifully designed page is sold off for millions of pounds, to be ruined with obnoxious advertising and spam Viagra offers, so get in while you still can and soak up all our hard work while there’s still actually football-related content here. When the advertising companies come a-calling, you best believe we plan to take the money and retire. Who the fuck needs a football blog anyway?

In the future, our hope is regular updates through the week with the latest news and results from around the country, along with some less serious material highlighting the peripheral aspects that make football the greatest thing ever conceived of…namely the showboating, the police run-ins, the ugly wives and most importantly, the failed attempts at showboating that all come hand in hand with low IQs and horrific amounts of money. We are aiming high, and want to set ourselves up as the first place you’ll wanna check for football related news and banter, so stay tuned because we have much planned over the coming few weeks. And if you don’t enjoy what we’ve got to say, we’ll get some slutty photos of players’ wives n shit up asap.