Well that one wrote itself. Anyway, official ‘not-the-answer-to-Newcastle’s-problems,’ Kevin Keegan has made his first appointment back at St James’ Park, and predictably it is all-time Premier League goal-scorer and generally top bloke Alan Shear…hang on…what…but I thought…?
Apparently after four hours of talks, the so-called “dream ticket” partnership turned out to be a non-starter, with neither man happy with the proposed arrangement of Shearer as Keegan’s number 2. It is not for us to speculate, but STT has heard on the grapevine that Big Straight Al, as he’s lovably known as around the BBC, actually thinks Keegan’s a bit of a twat.
Having managed just four previous teams, Keegan’s average win percentage is under 50% (compared to say Sven who’s managed nine clubs around Europe and still maintains a 55% win percentage) and every single one of those he’s walked out of when things have stopped going his way. At Newcastle previously, Fulham and Manchester City, he had virtually unlimited funds to achieve success, yet still failed to take any top prizes, while as England boss, he is statistically the least successful permanent manager we’ve ever had.
But it’s easy to knock Keegan, he doesn’t help himself does he, and we certainly won’t mention how incredibly unsuccessful his Soccer Circus (he was the only clown there unfortunately) academy in Glasgow has been. After being told to piss off by Shearer, Jonathon Woodgate, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Micah Richards, among others, in this past week, Kev has decided to cut his losses and turn to the one man who is never in any position to tell anyone to piss off: Dennis Wise.
The pint-sized Wimbledon and Chelsea ‘star’ has left his job as Leeds manager midway through a remarkable season for the former Yorkshire giants, to “assist the board as an executive director on football related matters.” What the fuck does that mean I hear you shout. Well, apparently that involves scouting and aiding in academy development at Newcastle. In other words, it’s a massive step down then, and it means Leeds are left in the shit, with both Wise and his former assistant Gus Poyet having jumped ship in the last three months.
Just four months ago on BBC1’s Inside Sport program, Keegan was asked how he felt about Newcastle bringing in another manager to operate on a tier just below Sam Allerdyce, to assist on exactly the matters described as Wise’s primary duties. His answer?
“It's absolutely impossible to give Sam a job at Newcastle and then go and fetch someone who is going to be some sort of threat, it doesn't work. Sam would be a fool to let it happen and the guy who goes in would be a fool to accept it. The chairman, who is not a fool, would be a fool to go and do it, too. It doesn't work.”
Doesn’t get much clearer than that does it?