Henry Has no Tyne for King Kev

Poor Kevin Keegan. No-one decent wants to join his fun little ice-cream party up at St James Park, and certainly not Thierry Henry. Having once again declared his desire to bring the troubled Frenchman back to the Premier League with Newcastle today in the national press, he’ll perhaps wish he’d have waited to see the linked BBC interview with the Barcelona star that’s due to air tomorrow on Football Focus. The ex-Arsenal captain stated that he would definitely like to return to the Premier League before the end of his career, but that there was only one team “in his heart,” and I’m sure you can all guess which one.

Thankfully The Spoiler have taken the time to transcribe the important part of his chat to save me the tedium of doing it myself, so for those of you too busy to watch a three minute video, here are the nuts and bolts of what Mr Henry had to say:

“I’m happy - I don’t regret leaving Arsenal. But there’s only one team in England for me. Everybody knows the love and affection I have for Arsenal. I was so into it, I became a fan.”

So will we be seeing Henry back at the Emirates next season? The rumour mill has been running on overdrive in recent weeks, spitting out a whole range of stories suggesting that Henry has been transfer-listed at the Nou Camp, and that Arsenal are looking to solve their captaincy problems with a mysterious choice out of leftfield. It would seem to be a strange move for both parties, but given how each have faired since parting ways, a romantic reunion might just be what’s needed to rejuvenate Arsenal back into winning ways, and ensure that Henry ends his career back on top rather than a pale reflection of former greatness. In short: don’t bet against it.

Toon-lander

I was always suspicious when Kevin Keegan was announced back at the Newcastle reigns, but now it all becomes clear; what Keegan was doing for the past few years when he claimed he wasn’t watching football; why the team is still so shite; and why he insists on rocking such a ridiculous silver-fox-bouffant hairstyle.

Keegan is trying to reinvent himself as a model; a male model no less too. Yes, last night saw his very first catwalk appearance, showing off some beautiful Irish fashions (surely a contradiction in terms?) to help Newcastle keeper Shay Given and his wife raise money for charity. The Givens aimed to raise £250,000 for cancer charities by roping in various members of the drop-dead gorgeous squad to show off the hip threads, but it was Keegan who stole the show. Given enthusiastically said: “It's great the lads are chipping in!” Keegan himself was unavailable for comment, but was last seen retiring to the men’s toilet with some other modeling pals who all seemed to have really bad colds. STT would like to wish Kevin all the best in his new career path and suggests that the sooner he masters his own version of ‘Blue Steel,’ the better off everyone else will be. Newcastle football club especially.

King Kev does his best Fonz impression and jumps the unpictured shark

Wise Move Kev!

Well that one wrote itself. Anyway, official ‘not-the-answer-to-Newcastle’s-problems,’ Kevin Keegan has made his first appointment back at St James’ Park, and predictably it is all-time Premier League goal-scorer and generally top bloke Alan Shear…hang on…what…but I thought…?

Apparently after four hours of talks, the so-called “dream ticket” partnership turned out to be a non-starter, with neither man happy with the proposed arrangement of Shearer as Keegan’s number 2. It is not for us to speculate, but STT has heard on the grapevine that Big Straight Al, as he’s lovably known as around the BBC, actually thinks Keegan’s a bit of a twat.

Having managed just four previous teams, Keegan’s average win percentage is under 50% (compared to say Sven who’s managed nine clubs around Europe and still maintains a 55% win percentage) and every single one of those he’s walked out of when things have stopped going his way. At Newcastle previously, Fulham and Manchester City, he had virtually unlimited funds to achieve success, yet still failed to take any top prizes, while as England boss, he is statistically the least successful permanent manager we’ve ever had.

But it’s easy to knock Keegan, he doesn’t help himself does he, and we certainly won’t mention how incredibly unsuccessful his Soccer Circus (he was the only clown there unfortunately) academy in Glasgow has been. After being told to piss off by Shearer, Jonathon Woodgate, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Micah Richards, among others, in this past week, Kev has decided to cut his losses and turn to the one man who is never in any position to tell anyone to piss off: Dennis Wise.

The pint-sized Wimbledon and Chelsea ‘star’ has left his job as Leeds manager midway through a remarkable season for the former Yorkshire giants, to “assist the board as an executive director on football related matters.” What the fuck does that mean I hear you shout. Well, apparently that involves scouting and aiding in academy development at Newcastle. In other words, it’s a massive step down then, and it means Leeds are left in the shit, with both Wise and his former assistant Gus Poyet having jumped ship in the last three months.

Just four months ago on BBC1’s Inside Sport program, Keegan was asked how he felt about Newcastle bringing in another manager to operate on a tier just below Sam Allerdyce, to assist on exactly the matters described as Wise’s primary duties. His answer?

“It's absolutely impossible to give Sam a job at Newcastle and then go and fetch someone who is going to be some sort of threat, it doesn't work. Sam would be a fool to let it happen and the guy who goes in would be a fool to accept it. The chairman, who is not a fool, would be a fool to go and do it, too. It doesn't work.”

Doesn’t get much clearer than that does it?

Kevin Keegan is a Big Media Slut

'King Kev' oversaw his first match in charge of Newcastle this weekend, a 0-0 thriller against Bolton. Even though the game wasn't thrilling, the Toon Army got their necessary dose of excitement for the year.

Over the years, Keegan has appeared in a number of adverts for products as diverse as Sugar Puffs and Brut deodorant. Rumours abound that he's being lined up to star in another McDonalds ad with Shearer, as well as baring all for the new PETA campaign. Here are a few of his best performances:

Brut Deodorant with Henry Cooper



Road Safety Remix



Sugar Puffs with the ubiquitous Honey Monster

Mascot of the Week

Name – Pottermus
Affiliation – Stoke City F.C.
Animal – Hippo
Colour – Turquoise
Level of ridiculousness – 8
Most common missile pelted with - Coins

You might wonder why we at STT have chosen a relatively obscure mascot to crown as our first Mascot of the Week, but those with their ear to the street will already know: the mighty Pottermus was the run-away winner of this year’s ‘Football Furlong’ mascot race, which took place this year at Haydock Park in July.

Completing a punishing course of bouncy castle hurdles, the Potteries-based hippo cruised to victory, beating out a strong field including Hartlepool’s hotly tipped H’angus the Monkey. However, in an unforeseen show of dominance from Stoke City, second place was further claimed by Pottermus’ better half, Pottermiss, romping home to take the silver in a photo finish. See the dramatic events for yourself here-



To say that Pottermus was selected purely for his speed would be to do him a great disservice though, as researching the 7’6” blue hippo has unveiled so much more to his personality than just racing. Born with a great social conscience, Pottermus has taken part in several schemes up in Stoke-on-Trent to help make kids more aware of road safety issues, encouraging such activities as protecting a teddy bear with a seat belt, holding hands and making traffic light biscuits. So far over 10 parents have taken their kids along to these excellent seminars.

He does far more than that amateur Keegan. The murderous bastard.



In case you were wondering how to get involved yourself, the Pottermus’s are indeed available for private hire; an hour with either Pottermus or Pottermiss will cost you just 50 squid, and includes a free Stoke City football. At those kind of prices who needs to go to Amsterdam eh?