24 January, 2008

Mascot of The Week 13

Name – Captain Blade

Affiliation – Sheffield United F.C.

Animal – Human…well, Pirate (confirmation that he’s been cursed with that weird ghost thing from Pirates of the Carribean is pending)

Colour – Fleshy pink

Level of Ridiculousness – 4

Most common missile pelted with – Pieces of Eight, Gold Dubloons and bad pirate puns (“We ‘AAAAAAARRRR gonna win” etc)

The third in an illustrious line of Captain Blades, this fearsome Sheffield-based pirate is carrying on the tradition of not only an old Doctor Who villain from the 1960s, but also a fiercesome 6 inch tall plastic commando from all girls’ favourite video game Army Men Air Attack. Quite a pedigree I think you’ll agree, and with lineage like this, it will come as no surprise that only Sheffield’s most famous son is deemed worthy of wearing the authentic coat and outsized hat. Yes, that’s right, STT can exclusively reveal that Captain Blade is in fact…drum roll please…Sean “mother-fucking” Bean!!!

After Sharpe had been cancelled The Bean was at somewhat of a loose end so decided to take quick cruise off the East coast of America, just doing the usual…you know, shark hunting, bikini inspecting and ship-wreck diving…when he was drawn to an eery glow emanating from what appeared to be a sunken sword. Upon closer inspection, it was an old jeweled pirate sword, buried to the hilt in some coral. Frantically destroying the rocks and stuff surrounding it, The Bean finally grasped it’s curved handle and instantly he felt a change in him; his body felt swollen, his face was enormously spherical and the eye-sight was failing drastically in his left eye. Upon returning to the surface, the transformation was complete. The Bean was dead…long live The Blade!

Despite carrying this cutlass additionally as a clever reference to Sheffield’s famous knife-making industry, thankfully for those other mascots around the country, The Captain has never been forced to draw it in anger. Yet. Initially there were arguments with Sheffield Wednesday’s old band of rabid owls over who was the, ahem, ‘sharpest’ mascot in the city, but a navy rum drinking contest soon settled that one!.

'Jog on mush. Stupid fucking owl.'

The closest The Blade has come to re-visiting his old murdering days however came in 2005, at the now infamous Football Furlong race, held at Huntingdon. A scuffle kicked off between The Captain and Chaddy the Owl (from Oldham), which resulted in both their disqualification, and also the unfortunate death of Hugo the Hound (Huntingdon’s resident animal bouncer) who was tragically caught in the crossfire trying to pull them apart. There’s a backstory to all this though, with The Captain’s attack provoked by events at the 2003 mascot race when Chaddy had a very public row with The Blade’s best pal, Blackpool’s Bloomfield Bear. Chaddy called Bloomfield all sorts of horrible names and there’s no way The Blade was gonna stand for that, so he trained hard for two years to get in the shape needed to teach Chaddy a lesson.

Months after the incident Chaddy regained consciousness, and had just these words for STT: It’s a bit sad that someone can build up that sort of anger and hatred against a big cuddly owl who he's never really met!” What a pussy.

Avast ye scurvy bilged sea dogs, booty be as nigh asa keelhaulin' lily-livered swabbie wench, ahoy matey, or ye'll be walkin' the plank!

Sorry, that’s pirate-speak for: Captain Blade, we salute you, and hope you continue to capture many a busty slag and rule the English football leagues with a iron fist!