04 January, 2008

Predictions 2008

As the calender trips over to another year, STT has dusted down it’s trusty crystal ball for another gaze into the immaterial ether. You might remember right back in August when we launched, we guided you towards some new players to look for and presumably it has now become clear just how close to the street we actually have our ear.

Self congratulation aside, here are some football-related events that we can see occurring in the next twelve months as we countdown those long weeks to the next Christmas holidays…

The Boring Ones:

  • Euro 2008 Winners - Holland (beating Germany in the final)
  • Major incident – A pundit is put through a café window after England fans still go over to Austria and Switzerland to cause trouble.
  • Champions League Winners – Real Madrid (beating Man United in the final)
  • Major incident – Christiano Ronaldo gets sent off for diving.
  • Premier League Winners - Manchester United
  • Major incident – Manchester City finish in the top 4 and Liverpool fail to qualify for Champions League 08/09.
  • Championship Winners - West Brom
  • Major incident – Neil Warnock takes out a contract on an opposition player after he deems them to be ineligible and calls them (again) “football's equivalent of a murderer out on bail.
  • League One Winners – Nottingham Forest
  • Major incident – Dennis Wise plays himself in the final game of the season and bags the goal that gets Leeds promoted.
  • League Two Winners – MK Dons
  • Major incident – Former Wimbledon players stage a protest outside the ground on the last day of the season.
  • Conference Winners – Aldershot
  • Major incident – local rivals Woking spoil the victory party when the A3 firm slash the tires of every car in the car park.

The Fun Ones:

  • Until he first plays, Derby staff and fans still believe that the Villa they signed is Spanish goal machine David Villa from Valencia, and that in fact some no-hoper from Ecuador or something. Unfortunately just sharing a surname with a superstar isn’t enough these days; I went to school with this guy called Terry Ronaldinho and trust me, he was rubbish.
  • Joey Barton will join a prison gang and return to the Premier League complete with gang tattoos and a thousand-yard stare that tells you someone showed him what a hot date they were.
  • Titus Bramble will continue his unbelievable goal-scoring form of late and will finish with 20 goals this season.
  • David Beckham will appear in a hip-hop video, or even drop some lyrics on a track (fingers crossed).
  • Victoria Beckham will appear in one of Snoop’s “specialist” Doggystyle videos.
  • The real Frank Lampard will break out of wherever he’s been kept the last three years, revealing the man we know as Fat as an imposter, created using one of those cool face-mapping gadgets in Mission: Impossible.
  • David James will inevitably totally cock something up. Fans still chanting 'England's number 1' will be ridiculed.
  • Paul Merson will get his own talkshow, offering Paxman-esque confrontation of the country’s most culpable politicians and economical advisors.
  • Michael Owen will effectively end his career after losing a leg playing Wii Sports. Out of desperation, Derby still sign him for 2 mill though.

  • Following England’s first defeat under Fabio Capello every red top in the country runs the headline Crapello.”
  • In a huge coup, Setanta will secure the rights to broadcast me and my friends playing Pro Evo 2008 after Murdoch gets cold feet at the last minute. But only one game every other week mind, and at midnight on a Tuesday.
  • Capello will play a 'B' international against Albania, fielding a team comprised of foreign mercenaries who are eligible for England. There are many amusing names in the team, including Manuel Almunia, Steed Malbranque, Julio Arca and Gael Clichy. They triumph 127 - 0.
  • Iain Dowie and his even-better-looking brother both start dating Gemma Atkinson. Hilarity ensues.
  • Arsene Wenger appears in public without make-up and it turns out that he is actually African, and that the whole Arsenal team are in fact all sons he fathered during a rather promiscuous tour of the continent in the early 80s.
  • Jeff Stelling will be revealed as a robot.
  • Cheryl Tweedy will finally see sense and pledge herself to the STT editorial staff for life.

We’ve had our say but what’s your take on the forthcoming year? Don’t let us tell you how to think, save us some work and tell us! Suggestions, veiled threats and sexual harassment to the usual address: sniffingtt@hotmail.com