29 January, 2008

Sheffield and Clowns United

Many of you out there were undoubtedly lucky enough to watch the frankly baffling turn of events that led to the opening goal in this Sunday’s confrontation between Sheffield United and Manchester City. However, despite limited media coverage to date about the savage balloon attack on Sven’s men, today STT can exclusively offer an explanation to these horrifying events:

Captain Blade has made an under-the-tent deal with the Clowns. Yes, that’s right, the Worldwide Association for Net-climbers and Clowns (W.A.N.C. for short) has agreed to help pull the strings behind Sheffield United’s promotion aspirations, and as a sign of good faith, offered to prove just how much reach they have by weighting the dice in this weekend’s FA Cup encounter. Infiltrating Manchester City’s backroom staff, professional pornographer by day and shadow leader of W.A.N.C., Lord Smiles McHonkington III (pictured below), was able to maneuver just enough balloons from the pre-match display to provide blanket coverage of Joe Harte’s goalmouth for the first half of this thrilling encounter. Bamboozled completely by these strangely football-shaped objects, Manchester City’s defence was in all sorts of problems, and as the cross came in from the left panic ensued, allowing the ball to fall kindly to Luton Shelton who duly slotted home.

This is just the first event in what we are promised will be an increasingly vindictive campaign of misinformation and subterfuge, all orchestrated by McHonkington and his loyal followers. Speaking again exclusively to STT, he had these ominous words for the country: “just because 10 of us can fit in a mini does not mean we can’t all afford our own cars.”

Be afraid, be very afraid…