10 January, 2008

The World Conquering Jeff Stelling's Super Special Soccer Saturday Drinking Game

While recent STT coverage has waxed lyrical about the untapped potential of combining football with naked women, this game aims to remove any chance of seeing the latter by fueling the excitement of Saturday afternoon results with an incapacitating amount of alcohol.

So much is right about this game that it is a miracle that it hasn’t been rushed through the bureaucratic quagmire of the International Olympic Committee for inclusion in our 2012 event.

Below are a complete set of the rules but obviously they are all open to interpretation and substitution. Actually following this playbook word for word (i.e. a shot of beer for ever single goal scored on a Saturday) will almost certainly result in hospitalisation but if you’re man enough to do it, we’re man enough to put up pictures of you being sick on yourself!

Please note that the STT editorial staff shall be attempting this mammoth challenge in early February and the results shall be duly presented for all to see then…

You will need:

- a lined stomach

- twice your combined bodyweight in beer

- a bottle of Jagermeister

- a bottle of indiscriminate other spirit

- a bin / plastic bag / bucket to be sick into

- an understanding girlfriend

- a desire to remember nothing that happened on Saturday at all

- a willingness to lose teeth / end up in hospital once a week

General Rules

- Every time a goal is scored = 1 shot of beer

- Every sending off = 1 shot of Jager

- Half time = Absolutely no alcoholic beverages may be imbibed during this period

- Whenever Chris Kamara is talking, you must be constantly drinking

- Whenever Paul Merson uses stupid rhyming slang (i.e. “he's hit the beans on toast”!) = 1 shot of Jager

- In the second half, all teams can only be referred to by their nicknames and failure to do so results in a penalty of 3 shots of beer

- Whenever Swindon Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Mackerel!” must do a shot of Jager

- Whenever Dundee appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Football!” takes shot of Jager

- Whenever Northampton Town appear on the vidiprinter, the last person to shout out “Cobblers!” has to do a shot of Jager

- Every time your team score you have to do 2 extra shots of beer

- Every time Hartlepool score a goal = 3 shots of beer

- Every time James Brown scores for Hartlepool and Jeff does his “I feel good” dance a further shot must be consumed. Extra shots if any of the other guests join in

- Every time a pundit shouts off camera, for a goal or otherwise = 2 shots of beer

- Whenever Chris Kamara says “its unbelievable Jeff!” all drinks must be instantly downed

- Every time the team Keith is jokingly referred to as being just one guy = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Brighton & Hove, or Daggenham & Redbridge are jokingly referred to as being two different teams playing the same opposition = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time anything bad happens to Craig Bellamy, Lee Bowyer or Joey Barton (injury, own goal, booked, sent off, arrested for murder etc) = 2 celebratory shots of the spirit of your choice

- Every time LeTiss is mentioned in connection with “a takeaway” = 1 shot of Jager

- Whenever the Carlos Tevez affair/scandal is mentioned = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Phil Thompson says “Stevie Gerrard” you must consume 3 shots of beer

- Every time Matty Taylor and “Goal of the Season” are mentioned in the same sentence = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Emmanuel Eboue or Jon Obi Mikel is involved in some sort of violent scuffle, a shot of spirits must be consumed

- Every time a commentator is struggling to speak over the drum player, or a band in general, a shot of spirits must be done

Advanced Rules

- Any hint of racism (casual or otherwise) from any of the pundits = Quad bombs (4 Jager shots + a redbull) all round

- Every time Jeff makes an “a Trialist” joke you must do 3 shots of beer

- Every time Jeff calls Kenny Deucher “The Good Doctor” = 1 shot of spirit

- Every time Jeff says “its Doom and Gloom at...” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Arbroath striker Kevin Webster scores and Jeff says “ohh, Sally will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Exeter striker Adam Stansfield scores and Jeff says “oh Lisa will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time Kevin Nolan scores and Jeff says “oh his sisters will be pleased” = 1 shot of Jager

- Every time a team scores more that 5 goals take a shot of spirits for each supplementary goal

- If Jeff swears because Hartlepool are losing everyone involved must down their drinks

FA Cup Special Rules

In addition to all the above, further shots of Jager must be done upon hearing any of the following phrases:

- “That’s the magic of the cup”

- “Potential banana skin”

- “Who said the FA cup was dead?”

- “Giant killing”

- “And he’s a PLASTERER / PLUMBER / ELECTRICIAN etc by trade…”

- “They’ll be dancing in the streets of (Total Network Solutions etc) tonight!”


You can practice what you have larnt on this classic video, where Chris Kamara presents the eleven goal thriller between Portsmouth and Reading earlier this season:

I counted at least two 'unbelievables' there, as well as 2 goals over the 5 goal limit. That's at least 2 shots and 2 downed drinks to begin with, as well as supping constantly the 7 or 8 minutes that Kammy's in frame. Enjoy!

Props to the inspiration behind this post, the Facebook group of the same name as the title. Check them out online for pictures, movies, anecdotes and even the chance to buy special celebratory Jeff t-shirts and hoodies!