Because Fernando Torres is not perfect, contrary to popular belief. Taking the usual journalistic tack of building someone up to be a hero before tearing them down with great gusto, STT is pleased to announce today that its former-number-one man-crush may not be all that.
You see, while taking a well-earned vacation in the slop-bucket of iniquity that is Miami, Torres was snapped not only looking pasty white, but also having a body like a pre-pubescent girl. We’re used to cringing these days when footballers take their shirts off, because normally they have that disgustingly unrealistic thing that Brad Pitt started in Fight Club. You know, a six pack with that strange ‘V’ shape going down towards the old joystick. Fernando, on the other hand, seems to be pretty undefined and normal, bless his heart, although he could do with a little bike tyre just above his shorts to suitably lower girls’ real world expectations. What is also clear is that England players have truly had the last laugh in this instance; while Torres has been wasting his time winning some darts trophy, the likes of JT and Fat Lampard have been able to knock up their tans a few notches, making them look ultra street for the first excursion of the season to China White. That is, after all, what matters most.
We are of course joking, Nando will always be the top dog in our office, regards of how tanned and buff he is. Also check out how lovely Olalla, his missus, is. In a normal way too, not in the see-through-trousers-and-surgically-enhanced-everywhere manner that we’ve become accustomed to.