Sloppy Seconds

Part of the attraction of Nereida Gallardo is that she just has that face of experience. You know what I’m talking about so don’t be shy to think it. There’s something in her eyes and the way she carries herself that manifests bareback sexuality, and just screams an open-mindedness that the gag reflex isn’t a locked door but a wondrous lost city waiting to be discovered. However, the oft-forgotten flipside to this coin of sexual discovery is the implicit acceptance that quite a few men have been, you know, there before you. It’s rare, for example, to find a virgin who can do that cool thing with her kegal muscles. Too graphic for a Monday?

So Ms Gallardo then, she’s a model with amazing cans who’s hot in a slutty way. In other words, she’s a magnet to footballers, so it was only a matter of time before it came out that Cristiano wasn’t the first to (insert own pun about scoring / hitting the back of her net etc). So who was the lucky player then I hear you shout. None other than part-time female impersonator, and Euro 2008 winner, Sergio Ramos! A Real Madrid defender then, a fact that might cause problems should Ronaldo’s inevitable move to the Spanish giants go ahead.

One of the News of the World’s endless stream of anonymous tipsters had this revelation: “Cristiano doesn't know Nereida’s already slept with one of Real Madrid's top players. He's a jealous guy and she's kept it a secret from him because it's something in her past. Sergio's a bit of a joker and the last thing she wants is him welcoming Cristiano to Madrid by announcing he's already tackled his girlfriend.” Does anyone else think that a Ronaldo vs Ramos fist-fight would literally be the most pathetically embarrassing ‘brawl’ in the history of the world? The ‘duel’ would surely end as soon as someone’s hair got messed up.

Gallardo reportedly had a brief sojourn with Senor Ramos last November, just weeks before Ronaldo first slimed his paw into her honey-pot. The pair met in Madrid hotspot Joy Eslava, and the aforementioned nameless gal pal accurately described events thusly: “Sergio was there with two friends, and they and Nereida's mates all ended up back at his house. Sergio was all over Nereida and ended up leading her by the hand into his bedroom. Nereida didn't go into details afterwards, but she made it clear to all her friends that they didn't talk about football or count sheep!” What a delightfully glib description; impressive turn of phrase there on the spot, I would very much like to meet this faceless modern day Jonathan Swift.

Apparently the pair have since stayed close friends, as is Sergio’s caring way with the chicas: “Sergio rang her to wish her all the best when he heard she was going out with Cristiano,” continued the expert source, “they've chatted a couple of times on the internet,” concluded the pal helpfully. Is there any real truth to this rumour? It’s hard to say, but it sure is fun stirring everything around Cristiano at the moment. Thing is even if it is true, ultimately it’d be quite hypocritical of him to get shirty with her over this given the succession of tarts he’s left in his wake. Not that he’d care though.