Ok this isn’t really relevant but I thought we’d take advantage of a slow news day/week/month and introduce you to our latest member of staff. The last tea boy…sorry I mean, the last work experience executive cried off last Thursday because his mum had got him tickets to Wimbledon or some shit, so since then we’ve been panicking about who would pick up the inevitable writing slack when the rest of us bugger off on holiday. Our metaphorical prayers were answered by the ever-reliable national press yesterday however.
Now you might’ve heard that the exam board AQA (an actual former employer of mine thankyouverymuch) have been asked to re-evaluate their marking criteria after the journos got hold of a script that was awarded 2 out of 27 when the pupil had only scrawled ‘Fuck Off’ on the answer booklet and handed it in. The chief examiner down at AQA commented that: “if it had had an exclamation mark it would got a little bit more because it would have been showing a little of skill.” Harsh criticism, but if you want to be best, it’s this kind of attention to detail that counts.
Now those lesser educated fools in the country were climbing up the walls in disbelief, but behind closed doors a serious bidding war took play within the industry over this young Oscar Wilde. You see, the level of existential awareness recalls Jena Paul Satre in his prime, while the succinct subtlty of the statement draws to mind only the finest wits in the history of English literature; Shakespeare, Marlowe and Congreve move aside, there is a new quill in town.
Anyway, we are pleased to announce that this rapier-like social commentator will now be joining the STT staff effective tomorrow, so look forward to seeing a dramatic upturn in both the expletive content and also exclamation mark ratio in articles from henceforth.