14 July, 2008

No WAGs please, we’re British

Parents are great bastions of worldly knowledge. If it wasn’t for the sage advice of mine I would certainly not be the suave and sophisticated young man I am now. Footballers also have parents, and occasionally they too like to chip with pieces of advice, instead however using that fantastically personal medium of the press. Anyone who believes that Cristiano Ronaldo’s mum actually prefers to have her comments processed through The Sun, rather than just pick up the phone, when she wants to talk to her son needs to have their tubes tied to protect the future of humanity.

Anyway, the latest to chime in on their child’s career is Mrs. Richards, mother to Manchester City and England defender Micah Richards. She has quite reasonably banned her 19-year-old son from having a girlfriend, as she thinks he will be a target for wannabe WAGs that are just after his money. It’s probably quite sensible, but what’s the point in being a footballer if you can’t have the Page 3 / ex-Big Brother arm candy that goes with it? You don’t get paid more than 100k a week to date regular girls! You want a guarantee that you’re going to find artificially pert cans, zero hair below the scalp, and not even the semblance of a gag reflex.

Of course our Micah has already had his share of the sexual grot that only footballers get to enjoy. Just last year he was involved in a ‘roasting scandal,’ after mobile phone footage of him and a pal spit-roasting a very lucky lady in a hotel disabled toilet was leaked to the NOTW. One unnervingly moral friend of Richards told the press at the time: “Micah and his mate have been boasting about what they got up to with the girl, they think it is hilarious. You can tell they are both loving it…but you can't help thinking they are treating the girl like a piece of meat…they don't really care to be honest, it's just another girl.” Personally I think he was just jealous he wasn’t invited in to complete the air-lock.

This outlandish ban comes not long after Richards was actually linked with Coronation Street teenage tease Helen Flanagan, after the two shared drinks together at an industry circle-jerk in Manchester. She’s a pretty tight little package, so I hope for his sake he’s already managed to hang out the back of her before the chastity belt gets installed.

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