Thaksin Shinawatra and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls

According to reports today, big wigs at the Thai-owned Manchester City are turning to the wondrous art of feng shui in an attempt to boost their trophy-winning potential. Presumably inspired by the recent underwhelming return of Indiana Jones, so-called ‘magic’ crystals have been buried under the Eastlands turf to, ahem, ‘energise’ the team’s players. Several have already been planted deep underneath the centre circle, and dozens more will be hidden elsewhere around the pitch before the season kicks off on August 16. Quite what these ‘magic crystals’ look like or where they come from is anyone guess, but I do know that if they’re short, there’s a guy who hangs out behind Liverpool Street tube after 10 o’clock who’ll do you a gram of them for 40 squid.

Bosses quite reasonably believe that the crystals will turn the stadium into a hub of “positive energy and harmony,” and a further 100 crystals will also be placed on concrete posts circling the ground. A nameless club source offered this understatement to The Mirror last night: “It's really bizarre behaviour.” The new Thai owners apparently love the superstitious principles of the Far East, and the hope is that the crystals will improve the team's overall performance and ultimately lead to financial abundance.

Unfortunately we were not privy to the secret crystal-burying ceremony earlier this week, but a different (still anonymous) source helpfully said: “They used a special tool and sunk several crystals into the ground beneath the centre circle.” Executive Chairman Garry Cook now plans to also adopt feng shui throughout the 48,000-seat stadium, with reception areas, offices and the club shop being filled with lucky fortune trees, three-legged money toads and buddhas as we speak. The newly-cynical source continued: “The stadium is littered with these bizarre symbols. It's hilarious, one of the fortune trees still has the tag on, it's from B&Q for £24.95. But if it helps us to win games, then who cares?”

Finally, here’s some gypsy mumbo-jumbo from professional feng shui practitioner (read: unemployed) Simon Brown: “Crystals come from deep inside mountains and have a strong energy. Putting them under the pitch will bring that energy on to the field. The three-legged toad and lucky trees are aimed at promoting financial success. But if they really want to affect the players they should change the colour of their jerseys. Teams who wear red like Manchester United seem to win far more often than clubs in blue.”

Great contribution, thanks for that Simon. Now get back to making trousers out of hemp.