08 August, 2007

News you might have missed during those dark times

Before we lead you into the start of the 07/08 football season, here is our brief summary of the notable news and sporting events that have taken place since the post-FA Cup final hibernation period in May:

Real News:

- England has a new Prime Minister! But he’s kind of just the same as the last guy, although this time he has a dodgy eye. Early reports that Mr Brown’s original eye was in fact removed in prison and replaced with a cutting-edge X-Ray eye are rumoured to be conjecture unfortunately

- The final Harry Potter book was released to the amassed general public, some of whom actually camped for days dressed up like their favourite characters outside bookshops to get their grubby little mitts on a copy at midnight. In unrelated news, street robberies rocketed in the 2 days preceeding the book’s July 21st release date

- Big Brother is still on TV somehow. Inmates this year include a pair of identical twins, a 35 year old virgin, some mouthy twat who’s hobby is getting airlocked by footballers and some boring bloke who used to be in a shite pop group that no-ones ever heard of. So basically they’re re-created a standard Friday night for Robbie Williams.

- Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears (a.k.a The Holy Trinity) have all kind of tasted karmic justice, with each having fairly serious breakdowns and run-ins with the police. Paris went to jail for about an hour and came out a fully-converted Christian; Britney did too many drugs (or not enough) and was sick on herself at a photo shoot; and Lindsey was involved in a high speed car chase while drunk, without a licence and in possession of cocaine. She faces potentially 5 years behind bars, but if ‘specialist’ movies have taught me anything about female prisons, she’s gonna have a pretty sweet time.

- A lot of the country was actually flooded as Summer 2007 was officially cancelled by the Met Office. Instead of super hot temperatures and half-naked women, we got non-stop tropical storms and drinking water shortages. Still, The Sun did their part by getting page 3 “stunners” to help lost children build canoes and stuff to get around in.

Sports News:

- It turns out all the Tour de France cyclists are on drugs; hardly surprising considering what they have to go through…my money was always on them being robots though

- Someone other than Tiger Woods won a major golf tournament, although apparently most of them are on drugs too so perhaps Tiger just lost count of his score. Does explain a lot though; your worst day on drugs is pretty much better than any day on the golf course

- British failure at Wimbledon once again left us focusing more on the nice young Russian girls than Federer wiping the floor with everyone for about the 100th time in a row. Andy Murray’s brother did win something though…the Jeremy Bates Award for The Most Obvious, But Failed, Attempt To Sleep With His Mixed Doubles Partner TM (trademark pending!!). Andy himself was too busy doing an impression of a stroppy little girl who's just wet herself to be reached for comment

- Lewis Hamilton is actually really good at car racing and, whisper it, F1 is almost exciting again. So far this year there’s been Hollywood-esque crashes, races taking place on water slides and inter-team jousting, but sadly Jenson Button is yet to film himself having sex with any promotions girls. Don’t get disheartened though Jenson, I still believe you can do it

- England beat a very poor West Indies team at cricket but are currently midway through getting their asses handed to them by India. Flintoff is considering a career move into pedalow racing though, minimum qualifying requirement is ten pints…I like his chances

- Some rugby teams undoubtedly played each other, but who gives a shit?

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