Happy Tuesday everyone, and apologies for the delay in weekly update but we at STT utterly respect the sovereign sanctuary of the Bank Holiday from all activities that aren’t sitting in a pub beer garden. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves over the cracking three-day weekend and big up all those people who reached Notting Hill Carnival, a lot of Red Stripe got drained and a lot of chicken got comprehensively jerked.
Anyways, back to business as all the big 4 win in the same weekend for the first time and Bolton get back to winning ways. Excellent weekend of action with Tottenham vs. Manchester United a particular early season highlight. I still cannot believe that the Spurs board is actually considering sacking the coolest manager in the Premier League after just four games. Ok so they were abysmal in the first two games of the season but the performances against Derby and Man U were top notch, especially from Berbatov and Gareth ‘the next big thing’ Bale.
Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):
Keeper – Craig Gordon (many great saves that he had no right to make…might be Scottish/Competent goal-keeper oxymoron that Keane was hoping for all along)
Defence – Sol Campbell (immense as ever), Rio Ferdinand (solid at the back and few decent efforts from corners), Pascal Chimbonda (superb pace and positioning), Jlloyd Samuel (excellent performance as Bolton kept their first clean sheet of the season)
Midfield – Cesc Fabregas (ran things and topped it off with a superb goal), Florent Malouda (a constant threat going forward, always wanting the ball), Eddie Lewis (consummate performance from the American), Gareth Barry (inspirational as Villa took all three points)
Up Top – Cameron Jerome (caused constant problems, but manages to keep a straight face when he's getting his, as above) Nicolas Anelka (powerful and dangerous throughout)
Nutmeg of the Week – Scumbag Gareth Barry on professional scumbag Paul Konchesky.
Goal of the Week – Has to be Paul Scharner for his one-two punch of an unreal overhead kick and a sweet bleached Mohawk, but special mention to N’Zogbia, Voronin and little Nani who all scored crackers too. They all have ultimately shit haircuts though.
Save of the Week – Tim Howard clawing away David Dunn’s long-range effort that was homing in on the top corner.
Skill of the Week – Mikel Arteta’s beautiful 360 Maradona spin.
Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Deflecting a dangerous looking Drogba backheel past D.J. Ok so he’s scored 3 goals in 3 games this week but literally what else does he contribute???
Fashion Statement of the Week - El-Hadji Diouf’s spectacular combination of beige jacket, light blue shirt and brown tie. He is just blinded by the size of his diamond earrings to the extent where he basically gets dressed in the pitch black?
Best TagTeam/Potential-Rap-Duo-If-Their-Careers-Go-Down-the-Pan-Anytime-Soon of the Week – El-Hadji Diouf and Nicolas Anelka
Rumour of the Week – Adriano joining Manchester City on loan from Inter Milan. His agent has completely ruled it out which means it’ll almost certainly happen in a day or two…watch this space…
Superman of the Week – Ashley Cole goes full length to head Hreidesson’s late effort off the Chelsea line.
Action Hero Cameo of the Week – Amazing to see Steve Finnan run off his grueling latest mission undercover as Jason Bourne to still play this weekend.
Jinx of the Week – Fulham’s bizarre record of playing in four games this season where the first team to score first has eventually lost 2-1. If you need a good exorcist down there guys, give me a shout cos I know a superb ex-Voodoo Priest who works weekends. He’s local too.
Effort of the Week – Kasper Schmeichel heading just over the bar in an effort to further replicate his father’s greatness.
Referee's Blunder of the Week – Howard Webb for somehow failing to see Wes Brown’s handball on the line to prevent Berbatov’s bundled effort putting Spurs 1-0 up at Old Trafford.
Ex-Colonial Gent of the Week – Mark Viduka for his sublime goal and class at not actually celebrating it in front of the Middlesbrough fans who idolized him for so long.
‘The Tony Warner and Jens Lehmann Award for Gaff of the Week’ – Martin O'Neill; not only did he get sent to the stands at half time for berating the ref, but he had serious communication difficulties. Having tried shouting, semaphore and carrier pigeons, O'Neill had to enlist the help of a burly steward to operate a walky-talky for him.
Hero of the Week – Ole Gunnar Solskjaer; ok so technically he didn’t do anything but the little poaching scamp announced his retirement today, due to persistent knee problems, so it’s more of an honorary award this week. 130 goals are not bad for someone who looks so convincingly like a pixie and rarely actually started a game in 11 years!
Zero of the Week – Unfortunately it has to be Billy Davies, who has until the close of the transfer window on Friday to buy at least one striker capable of getting the ball in the net in the Premiership. Their 3 goals so far have come from Matt Oakley (midfield) and Andy Todd (defensive midfielder).
Personal Highlight of the Week – Blackburn's classy away strip of black and red halves. A throwback to their Premier League-winning-season away strip of the mid-90s, even Robbie Savage looked good enough to not get booked.