08 August, 2008

Jermaine Sure Can Pick Em!

There’s just something about the name Jermaine that conjures up an instant image that the owner is a moron. I’m not being racist, or class-ist, it’s just that all available empirical evidence confirms this. King of the Morons is obviously Jermain Defoe, but since he’s been disappointingly quiet recently, I’d like to take some time now to talk about one of his old pals, Jermaine Pennant. His previous conquests include blonde rent-a-rack Amii Grove, who discovered he’d cheated on her by watching his mansion’s CCTV footage, but to be honest, if you spell your first name in such a ridiculous way, what do you expect to happen? Now though the underwhelming winger is ticking another box on the wannabe-playboy sheet, by swapping a page-3 model for a soap actress; a Hollyoaks one at that.

Now Hollyoaks is renowned for attracting braindead and conceited bitches, so it’s no real surprise that to footballers, they have the same effect as a red rag to a bull. The one Jermaine went for goes by the name of Jennifer Metcalfe, and when she’s all nicely make-uped and photoshopped by magazines, she’s actually quite fit. She is however categorically an idiot, as evidenced by some comments uncovered by Wagsblog.com today. Now when most girls grow up they want to be gymnasts or vets; not our Jennifer though. She apparently knew that at heart she was destined to be a tarty piece of eye candy, and revealed today a long-term passion for vice: “I had ambitions, although they were misguided,” she explained. “I’ll always remember the look on my mum’s face when I declared: ‘When I grow up, I’m going to be a lap dancer.’ I assumed it was a glamorous job!”

She continued: “When I was 12 I watched Band Of Gold and decided I wanted to be a prostitute!” And just think, just over a decade later, her dream came true! Sorry no that’s harsh, being a part-time actress and lad’s mag model doesn’t make you a whore. Sleeping with a footballer because he’s famous, drives a Ferrari, owns a wardrobe worth more than half a million pounds, and buys you diamonds sure as hell does though.

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