20 August, 2008

Talk about Scraping the Barrel

Ok so hands up if you remember hearing a couple of years ago that Keele University in the Midlands was genuinely offering a degree course in ‘David Beckham Studies’? Christ that was depressing. He was also under 30-years-old at the time which made it even more ridiculous, but I guess in a world where 22-year-old Coleen, famous for only getting ploughed by a ugly Scouser, can have ‘written’ two books, credibility just doesn’t come into it anymore.

Well, now at the grand age of 33, the time is apparently right for the next step in the cannonising process of one of our generation’s best British footballers. It actually pains me to write this, but currently in the works for a West End unveiling later in the year is a David Beckham musical, cleverly-titled The Theatre of Dreams. I really wish I was joking. According to the songwriter Mark Archer, who is undoubtedly a complete tool, “Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country. His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.”This guy really needs to have his tubes tied for the protection of the future of the human race: “With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion.’’ God this guy Archer is a tosspiece. At heart this is obviously such a cynical attempt to further milk the Beckham cash-cow, and to cook up some half-arsed artistic merit as justification is simply a bit embarrassing.

He continues somewhat hyperbolically: “With half the world supporting United and the rest worshipping Beckham, a musical about the iconic life of the Beckhams would be certain to attract huge attention!” I wish this wasn’t the case, but unfortunately he’s probably right; there are enough morons in this country that will genuinely look forward to dragging their kids along to watch some conceited look-a-like croon his way through Beckham’s thrilling life-story.

Apparently the musical begins with a delightful little ditty entitled The Promised Land, vividly detailing Ferguson’s desire to revive United and Beckham’s emergence. After eulogising about the influence of Eric Cantona – “incroyable, catalyseur, legende” – the Beckham character sings about England life in the Nineties:

“Talk about football coming home,
And then one night in Rome,
We were strong, we had grown,
And now I see Ince ready for war,
Gazza good as before,
Shearer certain to score,
And Psycho screaming.”

Come on people! Those are literally the worst song lyrics I’ve ever heard! Just because something rhymes it isn’t automatically acceptable! For fucks’ sake, the meter is completely wrong, and shoe-horning that tacky wink to Three Lions in just makes me want to kick this Archer clown in the stones.

Anyway, on meeting Posh, he continues:

“A change has come around,
As I worship this ground,
With you in my life,
We’re turning the world upside down.”

Apparently someone playing Gary Neville even harmonises. Again, I’m not joking. I thought that previous bit before was bad, but these two couplets plumb the depths even further. What does this even mean?!

On reaching World Cup ‘98, he then beautifully voices the difficulties he encountered under Glenn Hoddle. The nuances are exceptional:

“You spin me around and point me in the wrong direction,
Always walking over me and putting me down, You treat me like a fool,
You know you have lost affection,
And I won’t play these mind games any more.”

I’m just…I can’t…I mean…I’m just lost for words.

Obviously Beckham’s encounter with Diego Simeone in St-Etienne makes for natural theatre. “The misery of defeat in England’s dressing room is captured in Mourning Blues. Then crying on his dad’s shoulders as the Argentinians laughingly taunt him with La Folie, and he becomes the scapegoat figure of hatred for the whole country in Villain of the Peace.” I bet Archer thought that pun was so fucking clever.

And that is only the first half of this theatrical abortion. “In the second half, David toughens up with So Strong,” added Archer excitedly. A flying boot then ushers Beckham towards the Old Trafford exit. “Torn between United and Real Madrid, Which Dream has David deciding with Victoria to sign for the latter as a Galactico,” continued Archer. I’ll leave the rest of the second act for you to guess, but it is of course devastingly perceptive and entertaining. I wonder how the musical deals with the Rebecca Loos saga? Perhaps a short rap interlude featuring backing dancers pretending to fellate each other?

Tellingly, Beckham is yet to sign off on this horrorshow. Surely with all his endorsements and connections (on both sides of the pond) he won’t let this go ahead? I know he’s a brain-donor but even he must be able to see past his ego and realise how horrendous this is?

This whole incident begs the question of just what’s next though; the life and times of Perry Groves, told through the medium of interpretative dance? Kill me now.

2 comments:

chris c paul said...

on the rebecca looes incident

I screwed you looes
I screwed you through
but it made me blue
when I screwed you looes

and then you wanked a pig on telly

seriously though- those lyrics are terrible. they harldy even scan.

liwo said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,

ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友,
嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,