Ok so hands up if you remember hearing a couple of years ago that
Well, now at the grand age of 33, the time is apparently right for the next step in the cannonising process of one of our generation’s best British footballers. It actually pains me to write this, but currently in the works for a
He continues somewhat hyperbolically: “With half the world supporting United and the rest worshipping Beckham, a musical about the iconic life of the Beckhams would be certain to attract huge attention!” I wish this wasn’t the case, but unfortunately he’s probably right; there are enough morons in this country that will genuinely look forward to dragging their kids along to watch some conceited look-a-like croon his way through Beckham’s thrilling life-story.
Apparently the musical begins with a delightful little ditty entitled The Promised Land, vividly detailing
“Talk about football coming home,
And then one night in Rome,
We were strong, we had grown,
And now I see Ince ready for war,
Gazza good as before,
Shearer certain to score,
And Psycho screaming.”
Come on people! Those are literally the worst song lyrics I’ve ever heard! Just because something rhymes it isn’t automatically acceptable! For fucks’ sake, the meter is completely wrong, and shoe-horning that tacky wink to Three Lions in just makes me want to kick this Archer clown in the stones.
Anyway, on meeting Posh, he continues:
“A change has come around,
As I worship this ground,
With you in my life,
We’re turning the world upside down.”
Apparently someone playing Gary Neville even harmonises. Again, I’m not joking. I thought that previous bit before was bad, but these two couplets plumb the depths even further. What does this even mean?!
On reaching World Cup ‘98, he then beautifully voices the difficulties he encountered under Glenn Hoddle. The nuances are exceptional:
“You spin me around and point me in the wrong direction,
Always walking over me and putting me down, You treat me like a fool,
You know you have lost affection,
And I won’t play these mind games any more.”
I’m just…I can’t…I mean…I’m just lost for words.
Obviously Beckham’s encounter with Diego Simeone in St-Etienne makes for natural theatre. “The misery of defeat in
And that is only the first half of this theatrical abortion. “In the second half, David toughens up with So Strong,” added Archer excitedly. A flying boot then ushers Beckham towards the Old Trafford exit. “Torn between United and Real Madrid, Which Dream has David deciding with
Tellingly, Beckham is yet to sign off on this horrorshow. Surely with all his endorsements and connections (on both sides of the pond) he won’t let this go ahead? I know he’s a brain-donor but even he must be able to see past his ego and realise how horrendous this is?
This whole incident begs the question of just what’s next though; the life and times of Perry Groves, told through the medium of interpretative dance? Kill me now.