14 August, 2008


There is currently quite a big to-do in the press about Liverpool’s former-captain-turned-substitute Steven Gerrard spending lots of wonga on adding what appears to be a gymnasium complex onto his £2million mansion in the Northern suburb/slum of Freshfield. Ever the wits, The Daily Facist xenophobically questioned whether any of those pesky asylum seekers were being hidden away in it. The Daily Express went for the slightly more obscure suggestion that it never would have been built if Princess Diana were still here, whatever that means. The Telegraph meanwhile simply voiced the presumably-more-intelligent-in-their-eyes conjecture that it has a different postcode to his house. Very reserved gentlemen; kudos as ever for rising above the use of humour as a rhetorical device.

Anyway, the quite brilliantly named Cecil Crossley, who lives across road from the site, had this whinge on behalf of the residents’ association: “I cannot begin to understand why anyone would want to build an eyesore like this in their back garden. It is not in keeping with the properties in this area. It’s like building an Asda supermarket in the middle of a beauty spot, but our objections were ignored.” The structure was designed by Liverpool-based DK Architects, and partner David Gilkes defended the style: “It is a matter of taste. It is a fairly contemporary building…there is a mixed bag of styles on that road. Most residents have been quite supportive.”

We can now exclusively lift the lid on the building’s true purpose however. For several months Alex Curran has been in training with Cristiano Ronaldo working towards a career as a professional tanner. However, while he is an advocate of the traditional au natural approach out under the sun, she is very much from the new school and thus favours tan-in-a-bottle treatments and over-priced spa booths. Now the result, as if you haven’t noticed, is that she has become radioactive, with a dangerous orange glow permanently emanating off her. Ever the pragmatist, Stevie G decided that enough was enough, and has actually had this bespoke containment chamber fashioned to keep Alex and her gaggle of giggling gal pals safely out of harm’s way. You heard it here first…

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