05 August, 2008

Model Fans

You can always trust Sky to target the real hard-hitting issues. World famine, Girls Aloud wardrobe malfunctions and which Premier League team has the best-looking football fans. Now while common sense dictates that they should be instantly bottom of the poll, somehow Liverpool have been awarded the prestigious crown.

The guys in that office must have a real shortage of creativity, and so much time on their hands it’s criminal, because genuinely this is how they decided to go about deciding this obviously-arbitrary award. Based on the self-congratulatorary premise that their super-cool HD-TV means that fans are now finding themselves on screen four times clearer than before during televised matches, the Sky HD team drafted in ‘top’ model agency D1 Model Management to study HD footage of crowds from every Premier League match last season, and name the best-looking clubs. I mean, come on, I’ve heard of some crackpot schemes in my time but this is so braindead I actually checked whether it was April Fool’s Day.

Talking of braindead, here’s an annoyingly-named man from D1 Model Management, Dean Cleary-Patterson, offering some truly insightful comments: “We're used to scouting the cream of British modelling talent in all sorts of weird and wonderful places,” he giggled, “but football crowds are certainly a new concept for us! We typically take into account a whole range of aspects of a person's appearance, from the symmetry of their features to the glossiness of their hair. It's interesting to know we might need to start scouring the stands of Anfield to find our next big name,” he gushed hysterically. I’m sorry, but “glossiness of their hair?” If anyone knows this Clearly-Patterson clown please relieve him of his testicles as soon as possible… if it isn’t already too late, that is.

Anyway, here are the results you’ve all been waiting for: the Best Looking Sets of Fans in the Premier League as Spotted by Some Tosser who Claims to Have Watched Every Member of Every Crowd in Every Single Match Last Season:

1. Liverpool
2. Fulham
3. Tottenham Hotspur
4. Sunderland
5. Chelsea
6. Newcastle United


7. Arsenal
8. Bolton Wanderers
9. West Ham United
10. Manchester United
11. Derby County
12. Middlesborough
13. Manchester City
14. Birmingham City
15. Aston Villa
16. Everton
17. Wigan Athletic
18. Blackburn Rovers
19. Reading
20. Portsmouth

I felt kind of sorry for Pompey fans, as in my experience they are not obviously less attractive than anyone else’s supporters, but then I found this picture. Jesus Christ.

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