Marry Mii! Or don’t.

Those regular readers will undoubtedly be familiar with the ever escalating love saga between ex-Liverpool nearly-man Jermaine Pennant and slutty topless model Amii Grove (the extra ‘i’ is for ‘interracial’). 2008 saw it peak and trough like a Shakespearean emotional rollercoaster, with Amii starting the year by kicking the “love rat” to the curb after the not-exactly-intelligent Pennant decided to cheat on her while being filmed by their house’s CCTV cameras. He spent the following ten or so months routing through her bins and just generally following her around until finally late in year he cornered her and proposed.

Now what many people don’t realise is that Page 3 girls are susceptible to that trick from Austin Powers, only if you ask them the same question three times they have to say ‘yes’, not tell the truth. How else do you think they end up being such ho-bags? Anyway, the rest as they say is history. Or is it???

Well no, because as quickly as this heavenly coupling solidified their love and commitment in a £38,000 diamond, it’s all over again. Amii has run away to presumably become a bottomless model, and Pennant has done the sensible male thing and just got back together with his ex-girlfriend, someone apparently famous called Jennifer Metcalfe. But when you’ve been adorned with a ring worth the best part of £40,000 what do you do if it all goes tits up? Embrace the modern age of course and sell it on eBay!

The 2.05 carat ring, which has received 13 bids up to a price of £20,502 at the time of writing, appears to have been posted by Amii herself. Not exactly the most eloquent prose, but she’s got great cans so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt: “This is the engagement ring of Amii Grove, the ex fiance of a well known Premiership Football star. It is a beautiful ring, and was brought last November, and was worn for only a month and a half as the couple split on new year’s eve 2009. It is a real eye catching ring, with a large diamond in the centre of the ring, on the actual band it has small diamonds going all the 3 quarters of the way around the ring on the top bottom and middle. It is a beautiful ring. The Ring was valued at £38,000. A donation will be made to Brake charity which is the chsrity Amii Grove supports since losing her brother last july 2008 to a quad crash.”

You might justifiably ask why not just give the ring back to Jermaine? Well, word on the street is that he actually refused to accept it after using her Mercedes as part exchange for a new Ferrari. What a class act. Let’s be honest though, when you genuinely propose to your girlfriend in a graveyard, how else do you expect it to end?

Chantelle Makes Radical Breakthrough To Cure Broken Bones

There’s something just so right about Jermain Defoe and Chantelle Houghton. He is a shameless reprobate willing to put his dick in literally anything, and she…well, she got her start in modeling after her mother took some topless pictures of her in a local park. Stars clearly aligned somewhere because this is truly a match made in a sordid North London motel car park. Having shrugged off accusations of a life of lonely prostitution with fellow Big Brother reject Chanelle Hayes, Chantelle seems to be forging quite a career for herself, and maybe (just maybe) she will one day be referred to without the “ex-Celebrity Big Brother contestant” epithet.

Anyway, it might’ve escaped your attention that our Jermain is currently out injured, having tragically fractured a toe trying to perfect the reverse wheelbarrow position. Rather than waste time seeing specialists or attempting physiotherapy, he’s done the sensible thing and gone to sit on a beach in Dubai with his balloon-chested brain donor of a girlfriend. It is kind of a celebration for her though so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; I know that when my girlfriend upped her cans from 32B to 32DD I definitely wanted to whisk her away for horseplay on a beach in the Middle East too.

One onlooker, who is reportedly unable to stop touching himself at the moment, dribbled: “Chantelle looked absolutely stunning in a bikini and Jermain certainly noticed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her as she wandered around. And when she came back to the sunbeds he couldn’t keep his hands off her.” Thanks for that, really great contribution. Anyway, as you can see from the pics, Chantelle certainly had no idea the cameras snapping as she frolicked in the sea, under the public shower and next to Jermain on a sunbed.

In other thrilling news, Chantelle recently admitted that Jermain is “the one,” which apparently sent him into the stratosphere because you just know that when girls like that say things like that, it means one thing. Anal.

Resistable Talent

Danielle Lloyd has led a great life: she’s slept with Jermain Defoe, which, for a woman, is about as good as it can really get. Anyway, a quick scan over her biography tells me that it hasn’t always been high-flying decadence for Ms Lloyd, she truly started from the bottom; Liverpool specifically. At the age of 16, she began modeling, and upon finishing school, she decided to pursue that dream dual career of modeling and beautician-ing, obviously specializing in massage. As she built up her modeling reputation (read: had implants), she also became a qualified nail technician. Now it’s not quite clear whether this is nails as in fingernails, or nails as in those-things-you-hit-with-a-hammer, but I like to assume it’s the latter.

Construction work found itself permanently on the back-burner in 2004 when Lloyd was crowned Miss England, with the Miss Great Britain title following just two years later after she systematically ‘eliminated’ Miss Wales and Miss Ireland (Miss Scotland was deflatingly considered “no competition”). Controversy reared its fire-damaged face shortly after the award however, when it came to light that nude pictures of her in a recent Playboy might’ve tipped the balance in her favour. Obviously this was outrageous; as far as I’m concerned Lloyd showed initiative, and the only thing holding the other contestants back from doing the same was something pathetic called ‘integrity.’ Amusingly there was another twist in the tale, when it was revealed that Lloyd had also had an affair with one of the pageant judges. You’ll never guess who that was though: Teddy Sheringham! Ridiculous isn’t it!

Completing her abridged biography, is a memorable appearance on the BBC’s Test the Nation, where she was asked “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, the US President, the Prime Minister or the King?” Lloyd, quite brilliantly dead-panned: “Wasn't he the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.” Sometimes I really despair.

Anway, snap to the present, because today Lloyd has launched her own modeling agency, snappily titled Irresistable Talent. To publicise this moment of history, Lloyd played it safe and just got all the crew together for a nice old fashioned lingerie shoot. As you’d expect, most of the girls are pretty busty but not-so-great from the neck up. Familiarise yourself with them now though, and expect to see em all hanging off the arm of an average footballer very, very soon…

It Should Be a National Holiday

Good old Jermain Defoe. We haven’t heard from him in a while have we? Well unfortunately he’s been kind of busy actually playing football, and say what you want about his personal life, he’s been performing pretty damn well on the pitch. He celebrated his winning goal against Stoke yesterday with a pre-emptive birthday party at swanky London hot-spot Maya, where as you can imagine, the crème de la crème of busty slags were in attendance in the hope of offering a vessel for the Pompey’s man undoubtedly tepid seed.

Some other men managed to slip through the net though, most notably current team-mate Sol Campbell and the-only-man-in-the-league-that-makes-him-feel-tall, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Obviously the usual dirge of reality TV brain donors were invited too, but the story of the night was a dichotomy between two women. One, Abbey Clancy, provided some much needed class to the event, looking frankly delectable in an understated black ensemble, while the other, Jodie Marsh, took the complete opposite tack.

She decided that the best way to remind everyone that she’s still alive was to return to type, and just start flashing her cans at anyone with even a camera phone. She’s so rough already, but managed to actually damage her reputation even further by turning up with a man who is so instantly dislikable that I guess they’re kind of made for each other. Enormous face and vacant grin that screams Valium-induced numbness? Check. Shit haircut? Check. Getting-dressed-in-the-dark-is-the-new-black fashion statement? Double check. Insatiable desire to show off his six-pack at every opportunity as that’s literally the only thing he’s ever achieved with his life? You better believe it.

Someone please round these two up and gas them.

Jermaine Sure Can Pick Em!

There’s just something about the name Jermaine that conjures up an instant image that the owner is a moron. I’m not being racist, or class-ist, it’s just that all available empirical evidence confirms this. King of the Morons is obviously Jermain Defoe, but since he’s been disappointingly quiet recently, I’d like to take some time now to talk about one of his old pals, Jermaine Pennant. His previous conquests include blonde rent-a-rack Amii Grove, who discovered he’d cheated on her by watching his mansion’s CCTV footage, but to be honest, if you spell your first name in such a ridiculous way, what do you expect to happen? Now though the underwhelming winger is ticking another box on the wannabe-playboy sheet, by swapping a page-3 model for a soap actress; a Hollyoaks one at that.

Now Hollyoaks is renowned for attracting braindead and conceited bitches, so it’s no real surprise that to footballers, they have the same effect as a red rag to a bull. The one Jermaine went for goes by the name of Jennifer Metcalfe, and when she’s all nicely make-uped and photoshopped by magazines, she’s actually quite fit. She is however categorically an idiot, as evidenced by some comments uncovered by Wagsblog.com today. Now when most girls grow up they want to be gymnasts or vets; not our Jennifer though. She apparently knew that at heart she was destined to be a tarty piece of eye candy, and revealed today a long-term passion for vice: “I had ambitions, although they were misguided,” she explained. “I’ll always remember the look on my mum’s face when I declared: ‘When I grow up, I’m going to be a lap dancer.’ I assumed it was a glamorous job!”

She continued: “When I was 12 I watched Band Of Gold and decided I wanted to be a prostitute!” And just think, just over a decade later, her dream came true! Sorry no that’s harsh, being a part-time actress and lad’s mag model doesn’t make you a whore. Sleeping with a footballer because he’s famous, drives a Ferrari, owns a wardrobe worth more than half a million pounds, and buys you diamonds sure as hell does though.

Little Miss Giggle

Another week, another slag claiming they’ve slept with tiny nearly-man Jermain Defoe. Just over a month ago we spelled out the end of Defoe’s romance with celebrity blow-up doll Danielle Lloyd after revelations from swamp monster Stephanie Moule caused the blonde suction machine to ditch the Portsmouth striker, but now a second woman has come forward to spill the beans. Seriously, her actual name is Sarah Giggle, and with credentials like that it’s no wonder she’s grown up to be a kiss-and-tell tart, as realistically you’re never gonna get a Dr. Giggle are you?

Just like a great Shakespearian romance, the pair met at a fetish night in Chinawhite, and within minutes of smelling her intoxicating scent, Defoe was lusting for more. The alleged model, who looks like she might’ve been born a man, thought he was single and so understandably flirted with the ex-Spurs man before he suddenly thrust his silver Blackberry phone into her hand and said “put your number in it,” presumably because he still can’t work it. Giggle was off to join friends at another nearby club, Movida, but it wasn’t long before Defoe turned on the charm in a series of beautifully crafted text messages.

Honestly his opening gambit was: “It's J here. Can I have that bum later?” And then just 40 minutes later, he followed that up with the clincher: “I want that pussy.” Kids out there should probably be writing some of these down for future reference. Finally Defoe turned up at Movida and she was powerless to resist his charismatic chat, and agreed to accompany him and his entourage back to his mansion. Even though he was actually with her at the time, it seems Defoe couldn’t help but continue to bombard her with more poetic texts, and reportedly sent this to Giggle while waiting for a car to pick them up: “You gonna come to my house. I want that ass.” Isn’t that a direct quote from Robert Browning?

Anyway, yesterday’s newspapers also offered a tantilising glimpse to a final message, but apparently some of the content was deemed ‘too rude’ to print: “On the way you gonna let me…..??????” STT can only speculate over the rest of the text’s content, but we have it from a reliable source that Defoe was in fact asking Giggle if she would be ok with him performing a move known as the ‘glass bottom boat.’ It’s actually baffling how girls can continually fall for this kind of crap, but Giggle was entranced by Defoe’s kind eyes, rapier-like wit, and tenderness, and agreed to go take a lie down on his bed as soon as they reached the palatial Herfordshire estate. It wasn’t long before somehow he’d tricked her into taking her clothes off, and so after some mild stroking and horseplay, Defoe realized the underwhelming ‘beauty’ was well and truly in his web.

He suddenly jumped up without saying a word and, preparing for his signature move, went into a huge walk-in wardrobe to strip off his chaffing clothes. “When he came out stark naked, obviously excited and kitted out in condom ready for action I said, ‘You're having a laugh, aren't you?’” Giggle whistfully recalls. “What makes you think I'm going to say yes?” He just gave her his trademark cheeky smile and said mysteriously: “maybe you won't…” Of course she did, but not until he’d tickled her thigh a bit and apparently really turned her on. “It wasn't amazing sex,” she offered today, “all the time he was very complimentary about my legs and bum, but he didn't seem that interested in my boobs.”

So another girl full of criticism and insults then about a footballer’s approach to them and general behaviour, but why do they complain so much when they know exactly what they’re doing? Giggle admits to noticing a photo of a girl by Defoe’s bed, but apparently thought nothing of it until the morning when he received a barrage of text messages on his phone. It turns out these were from Danielle Lloyd who was in hospital recovering from a boob-job, but rather than think about his sexy real girlfriend, Defoe was more concerned about shooting his seed in the hand of some ropey over-the-hill brain donor.

Upon realizing that he was still with supposed ex-girlfriend Lloyd, just what was Ms Giggle’s response you might ask? “We both wanted to have sex again but Jermain didn't have any more condoms. He tried to make me go to the petrol station and get some but I refused, so we went down for breakfast and he gave me Sugar Puffs.” What a class act.