B.N.B.G.

This week the highs and lows of a Premiership footballer’s pampered life takes us to the quaint Conservative Party haven of Knutsford in Cheshire. Having previously hosted scenes for Spielberg's Empire of the Sun and George C. Scott's Patton, shoppers were witness to a different kind of scene altogether recently as squad cars full of police rushed to apprehend two men “of African descent,” suspected of “casing” a jewelry shop. Ageing and overweight CCTV operators, already alarmed at seeing two black men walking up their North Country High Street, became even more suspicious when they spotted the two men looking in the window of a local jewelry shop. Grabbing batons, handcuffs and knuckledusters, Cheshire county police raced gleefully to the scene of the reported crime only to find none other than Everton's club-footed failure Victor Anichebe, accompanied by a loyal homie.

Hilariously dubbed a “Premiership ace” by The Sun, Anichebe is currently injured and out for the season, spending most days counting his cash, masturbating and playing Pro Evo. Not simultaneously though. That would take about five hands. This particular day however, he had taken a day off from home life to hobble around town looking for some new earrings, before being swiftly accosted and subjected to rigorous interrogation by Knutsford's finest. Protesting "I'm a footballer - I play for Everton. Why would I want to rob a shop?" disbelieving officers confiscated his crutches and handcuffed his friend during the ensuing “heated dialogue.” With hopes of taking the pair into custody away from the prying eyes of the public for some good old-fashioned brown bashing, disappointed officers were forced to let them go after a crowd gathered and long held dreams of reinterpreted scenes from office-favourite American History X were saved for another day.

Obviously never told that being black in a middle England village is equivalent to wearing a sign saying ‘I will rob your shops, burn your homes and rape your daughters,’ Anichebe continues to remonstrate, demanding a full and unconditional apology from the Cheshire police force in response to the incident. Strangely this appears to still be pending. Conflicting and unconfirmed reports have it that the officers involved were either disgruntled Everton fans furious that Anichebe's six Premier League goals in four years had cost the club roughly £520,000 a piece, or simply members of the local BNP out to show a couple of immigrants the strength of standard issue riot boots.

Seriously though, recent claims that racism within the police force is a thing of the past are, frankly, galling in the light if this and other recent events. Further digging here at STT has discovered that the overwhelmingly middle-aged and middle-class demographic of Knutsford favour reading everyone’s favourite hate-rag, The Daily Facist, coincidently the only major news publication not to publish this story. Go figure.

Construction

There is currently quite a big to-do in the press about Liverpool’s former-captain-turned-substitute Steven Gerrard spending lots of wonga on adding what appears to be a gymnasium complex onto his £2million mansion in the Northern suburb/slum of Freshfield. Ever the wits, The Daily Facist xenophobically questioned whether any of those pesky asylum seekers were being hidden away in it. The Daily Express went for the slightly more obscure suggestion that it never would have been built if Princess Diana were still here, whatever that means. The Telegraph meanwhile simply voiced the presumably-more-intelligent-in-their-eyes conjecture that it has a different postcode to his house. Very reserved gentlemen; kudos as ever for rising above the use of humour as a rhetorical device.

Anyway, the quite brilliantly named Cecil Crossley, who lives across road from the site, had this whinge on behalf of the residents’ association: “I cannot begin to understand why anyone would want to build an eyesore like this in their back garden. It is not in keeping with the properties in this area. It’s like building an Asda supermarket in the middle of a beauty spot, but our objections were ignored.” The structure was designed by Liverpool-based DK Architects, and partner David Gilkes defended the style: “It is a matter of taste. It is a fairly contemporary building…there is a mixed bag of styles on that road. Most residents have been quite supportive.”

We can now exclusively lift the lid on the building’s true purpose however. For several months Alex Curran has been in training with Cristiano Ronaldo working towards a career as a professional tanner. However, while he is an advocate of the traditional au natural approach out under the sun, she is very much from the new school and thus favours tan-in-a-bottle treatments and over-priced spa booths. Now the result, as if you haven’t noticed, is that she has become radioactive, with a dangerous orange glow permanently emanating off her. Ever the pragmatist, Stevie G decided that enough was enough, and has actually had this bespoke containment chamber fashioned to keep Alex and her gaggle of giggling gal pals safely out of harm’s way. You heard it here first…

F*** OFF REF YOU W*** COVERED C*** HOLE

STT was pleased to learn that this week The FA have decided that maybe next season they might possibly try and finally actually do something about referee and linesman intimidation by inaugurating a new law prohibiting anyone except the team’s captain from speaking to the officials. Excuse while I now mount my high horse for a touch of objective preaching.

Perhaps the main reason the casual observer is put off watching football is the unbelievable contempt shown by players towards the referee and his assistants. The number of times on TV you will see players screaming obscenities into these guys’ faces is pretty disgraceful, and it’s something which has to change soon. Although STT would never condone actually watching rugby, if an egg-chasing referee has something to say, the players are quiet, listen and absolutely will not talk back.

Quite why this is, I’m not sure, however it would not take long for footballers to learn if, every time they swore at an official they were immediately disciplined on the field and then subsequently reprimanded by the club. Drastic no diggidy, but this is an ugly part of the game that simply has to be addressed, especially since no decision has ever been overturned, and there is no bonus for elaborate insults as in comedy movie ‘classic’ BASEketball.

It is a notion that is clearly achievable as well; under Brian Clough, his incredibly successful Nottingham Forest team of the 1970s were instructed to never disrespect the game’s officials, and Clough himself was the one to discipline them if they did. Former Premier League referee Graham Poll has remarked that he's pleased the former Cloughie players have taken this principle of good discipline into their management careers. Poll told The Daily Fascist last year that the nicest manager he had to deal with was Stuart Pearce, and adds that Roy Keane has shown “great restraint and respect” when dealing with match officials as Sunderland boss. He continued: “Brian Clough's players were known for their discipline and their respect for referees at Nottingham Forest. Their manager demanded it, and two European Cups and a League title are proof that it didn't exactly damage their results.” Those who played under Clough, such as the aforementioned Pearce and Keane, as well as Villa manager Martin O'Neill, seem to have continued that trait. On the other hand, managers coached by Ferguson during United's mid-90s referee haranguing days have proved to be much less respectful towards officials and this attitude has led to fines for both Steve Bruce and Mark Hughes.

Taking this whole thing a step further still, if the captain were to act as a sole liaison with the game’s officials, it would allow them to more fully explain their decisions, while essenitally leaving it up to the captain to convey the message and manage his team’s behaviour on the field.

Ok back down to earth now, and ranting aside, no-one can deny that this would not be a huge improvement to the game. Interestingly, both these above two ideas have recently been adopted by Barnet F.C. of all clubs, where the entire playing staff have been asked to sign a binding ‘Code of Conduct’ agreement with the club to ensure that only their captain speaks to the referee and no intimidation of officials takes place. This a great step in the right direction, but whether other teams will follow their example is yet to be seen. As the overwhelming ratio of Chelsea-related incidents interspersed here show, Avram Grant, I’m looking at you…