I’d Rather Outline My Body in White Chalk

Everyone knows Rio Ferdinand is an absolute joker, but did you also know he is a very astute record label executive? No me neither, but apparently he co-owns and runs the sinisterly-named White Chalk Music, with the worthy manifesto of promoting the hottest urban talent Manchester has to offer. It seems however that he was unable to find any of this talent, so has had to settle for some girl called Nia Jai, an ex-nurse who won a competition to be signed by White Chalk. You know, I hear all the best artists are signed after winning competitions.

Her debut album, the cleverly-titled Black Ice, will be released on October 6, and yes, you’re prayers have been answered, for it does indeed contain Rio dropping verbals on at least one track apparently. In a segment printed today in The Telegraph, the Manchester United man raps: “This is Rio Ferdinand. Make sure you do not sleep on Nia Jai, White Chalk’s first signing. This girl spits out fire.” Wow, those are some big bars, this is clearly not his first time! I have a sneaking suspicion that Mr Ferdinand might well be headlining Glastonbury next year…

Anyway, the first Nia Jai single is imaginatively called ‘Hey Girl,’ and features guest appearances from two clowns called Chipmunk and Natty Boii. Not one to just criticize for the sake of it, I feel it is my duty however to warn you that this is among the worst pieces of ‘music’ ever recorded. Whoever the pre-pubescent guy is who raps the first verse, I’m guessing the infamous Chipmunk, he needs to stop now. Forever.

Rio was obviously quick to big up his first release, hyperbolically dribbling: “Nia's album is incredible; her collaborations with Chipmunk and Sway are a testament to her talent. I'm made up to be launching her first single and album.” The circle-jerk continued with these gushing words from Nia, praising the man who I’m sure is keen to be called her mentor: “Rio has been involved a lot. He has been in the studio with me and texts me with ideas and opinions,” she said ominously. As far as positive indications of future success go, this is pretty lowdown on the scale, but still she seemed pretty pleased that: “He even has my CD in his car.”

Now, this is all very exciting I know, but the real question is: what the hell happened to that Snoop Dogg and D. Beck collaboration we heard about a couple of months ago? Honestly, hearing Beckham’s cartoon character voice over a Dr Dre beat will mean I can die a happy man.