When It Hits You Feel No Pain

The best thing about being a footballer is having really cool mates. You know, the celebrity equivalent of that kid at school who had his 18th birthday on a boat cruising up and down the Thames, only this time the boat is rotating bed covered in topless models, and the river is a swimming pool full of champagne and cocaine. As such, after flogging themselves half to death since August playing 15 matches, footballers have well and truly earned their decadent Christmas bashes.

The four most street players in the country are already wallowing in disappointment however because, according to reports today, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, El-Hadji Diouff and Djibril Cisse have all been banned by their managers from attending a lavish £1million Miami-based bash hosted by hip-hop stars Lil’ Wayne and Akon.

Now putting aside the fact that Wayne and Akon are complete tools, this does actually sounds like a pretty ace party. You see they were both planning to host seperate Christmas parties on the same day, but then decided to merge them into one ‘super-party’ when they realized what had happened. Never ones to give a shit about the global economic problems or climate change, the pair have arranged for real snow to be flown in from Greenland, and have invited the crème de la crème of ‘urban’ talent. Kanye West will be there, as will Gwen Stefani, and even Michael Jackson’s supposed to showing up. Not bad eh?

An insightful Chelsea source offered this: “The party promises to be the biggest hip-hop bash ever thrown. Lil Wayne and Akon are each pouring hundreds of thousands of pounds into it. The footballers were really up for a big night out but the bosses have said no.” I hope you will all join me in giving a big “Boooo!” to Phil Scolari and Roy Keane for not being ‘down.’

The foursome might do well to stay away however, as both hosts have attracted a fair bit of controversy over the years. Not content with having a horribly shit and squeaky singing voice, Akon also has a history of gun possession, car theft and assault. Most charmingly though he was filmed quite aggressively dry-humping a 15-year-old girl in Trinidad a couple of years ago now. His defense was genuinely that she and her father (a local preacher) should’ve known better about letting her go out dressed like a hoochie. He seems like a nice guy.

If possible, Lil’ Wayne is actually less talented than Akon, but putting that aside he’s also more of a prick. By the age of 14 he’d already fathered a child and managed to shoot himself by accident, and earlier this year his tour-bus was found to contain an impressive 3.7 ounces of weed, just over an ounce of cocaine, 1.4 ounces of Ecstasy and $22,000 in cash. I’m guessing he was tricked into carrying all of those things. More amusingly though, last year Wayne was also photographed kissing another rapper called Baby a.k.a The Birdman on the lips. Not so tough now are you Weezy?

P.S. please don’t shoot me

Kop that Shit

Apparently this has been doing the rounds for ages, but having only just seen it for myself on The Spoiler I felt the need to share the wealth with you good folks too. There’s no real point mincing words because I don’t know the back story to this, it’s just simply Ryan Babel wrecking the M.I.C with a hot freestyle for Dutch radio over classic Clipse beat Virginia.



Now obviously I don’t speak Dutch, so am only able to speculate about the actual lyrical content here, but honestly I don’t think this is too bad! A few English phrases did seep through though, including: “rapping is my hobby”; “premier league”; “representing”; “beef”; “dope”; “check it”; and of course the glue that holds any good rap song together, “motherfucker.”

If any of you cats out there speak Dutch, please please please let us know exactly what he’s saying, and confirm/deny suggestion that it’s in fact an update of N.W.A’s misogynist classic She Swallowed It.

I’d Rather Outline My Body in White Chalk

Everyone knows Rio Ferdinand is an absolute joker, but did you also know he is a very astute record label executive? No me neither, but apparently he co-owns and runs the sinisterly-named White Chalk Music, with the worthy manifesto of promoting the hottest urban talent Manchester has to offer. It seems however that he was unable to find any of this talent, so has had to settle for some girl called Nia Jai, an ex-nurse who won a competition to be signed by White Chalk. You know, I hear all the best artists are signed after winning competitions.

Her debut album, the cleverly-titled Black Ice, will be released on October 6, and yes, you’re prayers have been answered, for it does indeed contain Rio dropping verbals on at least one track apparently. In a segment printed today in The Telegraph, the Manchester United man raps: “This is Rio Ferdinand. Make sure you do not sleep on Nia Jai, White Chalk’s first signing. This girl spits out fire.” Wow, those are some big bars, this is clearly not his first time! I have a sneaking suspicion that Mr Ferdinand might well be headlining Glastonbury next year…

Anyway, the first Nia Jai single is imaginatively called ‘Hey Girl,’ and features guest appearances from two clowns called Chipmunk and Natty Boii. Not one to just criticize for the sake of it, I feel it is my duty however to warn you that this is among the worst pieces of ‘music’ ever recorded. Whoever the pre-pubescent guy is who raps the first verse, I’m guessing the infamous Chipmunk, he needs to stop now. Forever.

Rio was obviously quick to big up his first release, hyperbolically dribbling: “Nia's album is incredible; her collaborations with Chipmunk and Sway are a testament to her talent. I'm made up to be launching her first single and album.” The circle-jerk continued with these gushing words from Nia, praising the man who I’m sure is keen to be called her mentor: “Rio has been involved a lot. He has been in the studio with me and texts me with ideas and opinions,” she said ominously. As far as positive indications of future success go, this is pretty lowdown on the scale, but still she seemed pretty pleased that: “He even has my CD in his car.”

Now, this is all very exciting I know, but the real question is: what the hell happened to that Snoop Dogg and D. Beck collaboration we heard about a couple of months ago? Honestly, hearing Beckham’s cartoon character voice over a Dr Dre beat will mean I can die a happy man.

Rappening is what’s Happening

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie

to the hip hip hop, and you dont stop

the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie

to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

Inspired by some wonderfully conjecturous news this past weekend that Birmingham forward Mikael Forssell has a triple platinum hit to his name in his homeland of Finland, and may even pursue a career in rap music once his playing days are over, here STT has rounded up some of our favourite footballers-turned-rappers. Perhaps it’s that Christian holidays bring out the Brooklyn street hustler side in all of us, or perhaps it’s just incredibly amusing to see what happens when footballers’ egos are indulged to this extent, it’s hard to say…obviously audio/video included where available…

First up then it’s everyone’s favourite Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, who was apparently persuaded by good friend Nikolas Anelka that he really should bless the world with some of his prodigal MCing talent in 2005. The two of them teamed up with the apparently notorious Parisian rapper Doctor Gynaecologist (Doc Gyneco to his pals) to bang out a pretty budget charity single. And what was this ditty about you might ask? Judging by The Doc’s name you’d wager it was an explicit how-to guide for sleeping with tarts, but alas no; to use Didier’s own words, it was “just about going to school, trying to be a good person.” How boring. Drogba reportedly still records secretly for his own vaults under the name MC Drogbacite, but STT suggests that Did Droggy Drog might be better.

Perhaps closest to actually being rappers on our fine shores are the Fortune brothers, Jonathan (Charlton FC) and Clayton (Leyton Orient FC), who actually have as their cousin UK hip-hop/grime star Kano. Word on the street (i.e. Google) is that the three of them were all in a position to choose either career, yet while Jonathan and Clayton picked football, Kano apparently couldn’t be bothered with the training, so chose music instead. They have a few tracks floating around under the recording name of Family Business, but to be honest, they’re pretty embarrassing, even though by himself Kano has been known to leave the mic with third degree burns. On a slightly related note, the two Ferdinand brothers also claim to have been in a similar situation, but having chosen football, have thankfully promised to release some hard-hitting garage collaborations when they finish playing. Be afraid people, be very afraid.

Other notable contributions from this country include an absolutely tearing effort from Andrew ‘Don’t call me Andy’ Cole, working with producer The Pied Piper on a track ironically entitled Outstanding. Knowing that one tune wouldn’t be enough to satisfy the masses, Mr Cole had the sense to serve up three different mixes of Outstanding for us. Now the original’s obviously good; the Supakings Sucker-Punch mix is extra heavy; but personally it’s all about the Champions-Double-Treble mix, really goes off in a dance.

Back in his Portsmouth days, Lomana Tresor LuaLua was also known to bless the microphone on occasion, hosting down at several local nights under the clever alias of Dr Congo (he’s from the Democratic Republic of Congo, which is often shortened to DR Congo, so it’s like a play on words yeah, get me), but he’s got nothing on our English joker in the pack, Peter Crouch. Obviously famous for his robot dance, the Crouching Tiger also gets pon the m.i.c. whenever the national side gets together reportedly, but so far only this footage has surfaced so far. He might not have the looks of Ini Zamoze but at least he’s got the sense to instantly call for the rewind:

Turning to genuine rap success though we must of course direct our sights outside of the UK and towards the two largest rap markets in the world, France, and of course the good old United States of Freedom. It actually puts quite a smile on my face to see that Djibril Cisse has a rap album officially out in his native country, and unsurprisingly The DJ Inside Me has been flying off the shelves since its 2006 release. You can check some samples for yourself here, and honestly it really isn’t all that bad, despite being more Fat Man Scoop than Rakim. Describing his sound as ‘afro-beat’ might have sounded like a mis-step, but he’s pretty popular these days, even catching the attention of overweight has-been Fat Joe who deemed it necessary to pimp Cisse’s ride just last year.

The most genuinely respected rapper within the football world though has to be the American Fulham hitman Clint Dempsey, who records under the name Deuce. Hailing from a poor area of South-West Texas, Deuce grew up with a couple of rappers named Big Hawk and XO, both of whom he collaborated with on this actual US chart hit, Don’t Tread on This:

Lyrically it’s not exactly all that, and the weak football puns don’t help, but again it’s not really too bad considering the level of expectation. Used as a promotional tool by Nike to raise awareness of the US’s plight during the last World Cup, Deuce’s video was unfortunately tinged with tragedy as Big Hawk was clipped just after the song hit the airwaves, reportedly over a debt owed by his brother and not as a result of the song’s quality. R.I.P. Big Hawk, you have been missed, and unsurprisingly no witnesses have come forward. The game ain’t changed but shit just done got a whole lot more REAL, believe dat.

We leave you of course then with the jewel in the crown, and what you were all waiting for. Football has produced but one true rapping superstar, and having dropping a couple of teasingly big bars at the end of New Order’s hit World in Motion, it was with the infamous Anfield Rap that John Barnes really announced himself within the hip-hop community:

Providing the inspiration for, and definitely not shamelessly ripping off, LL Cool J’s classic old school jam Rock the Bells, Barnes sent shockwaves through the rap world that are still being felt today. Rumours that Dr Dre has had to scrap his planned comeback album Detox several times in the last few years due to hearing new Barnes material are yet to be officially confirmed, but reading between the lines, it’s pretty obvious. Barnes has been behind almost every crossover hip-hop hit in the last decade, managing, producing and writing for all the big hitters, while also providing them with the chronic connection, seen. Finally the truth came out earlier this year when having been repeatedly badgered as to who provided the complex ghost-writing behind his 2007 smash Smack Dat, Akon admitted at last that it was Barnes, and that he was back on the scene, ready to “rip shit up” to use his words…

So Solid Carew

As much as I hate stealing headlines, especially from The Sun, this one was just impossible to better. Yes, STT favourite and all-round top bloke John Carew has apparently scored with former So Solid alumni, and Strictly Come Dancing winner, Alesha Dixon after the pair have been spotted around various fancy London restaurants over the last few weeks. Former member of short-lived ‘urban’ girl-group Mis-Teeq, Dixon married pretty-boy gangsta Harvey from the underwhelming garage ‘sensation’ So Solid Crew in 2005, but the pair split when he was caught screwing her friend Javine Hylton just a year later. Now I don’t really know who Javine is, but a quick google search confirms that she is the definition of ‘BOBFOC’ and makes truly terrible music. Harvey and Javine are unfortunately yet to grace us with a collaborative single since they had their first child together (ahhh) last year, but fingers crossed that when the kid’s old enough to beatbox, the threesome will hit us with some shit that we just ain’t ready for; future music yeah.

In case you don’t remember, Harvey and his Crew were responsible for the musical abortions that were “21 Seconds” and “Oh No,” sullying the good name of garage for a few quick pop bucks. Harvey apparently embraced the fame more than most, and can now be seen regularly kissing babies on Blue Peter and laughing alongside a load of gay blokes on reality TV judging panels. He is so ghetto it actually hurts. Reacting to this perceived sell-out, the rest of the Crew did what any real troop of rudeboys would do, and that’s shoot some people. Producer Carl Morgan therefore will be available for photoshoots and signings in Belmarsh prison for the next 30 years, while rapper Megaman has been connected with the stabbing of Dizzee Rascal, and twice beat a murder charge.

Anyway back to the story. When the affair was made public (Javine’s producer reportedly found HarveyDixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack. drinking from her furry cup in the studio), Dixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack.

Dream Come True

Here’s a lesson to all the kids out there. Sometimes when you just wish for something hard enough, it can become a reality. A little while ago we speculated that David Beckham and new best friend Snoop Dogg might well be entering the studio to produce a rap duo, and while at the time that was ideal speculation, it now seems there might be some truth in it. Recently speaking to the Metro, Snoop himself confirmed that Becks plans a movie role and also a possible rap single to help raise his profile in the US!

STT for one wants to encourage this move as much as humanly possible, and suggests perhaps a remake of N.W.A classic Gangsta Gangsta as Becks’ first single, ideally rapping Ice Cube’s original verse in the weird pseudo-baby voice of his. “If he wants to do something musically with me, he's welcome” Snoop confirmed yesterday.

Check here for the first collaboration between the two, with Becks recently appearing on Snoop’s recently started reality TV show, the cleverly named Father Hood. You know, like, he’s a father, but he’s also from the hood, get me. It’s pretty embarrassing for all concerned, with Snoop calling Beckham “D Beck” and also saying his football skills are “tight.” Dear God Snoop’s kids look bored, someone get them a X-Box 360:

At the end of the day though, ego-massaging aside, their hearts are both in the right place as they also plan to use their fame to promote sports in innercity crime-ridden areas of Los Angeles. The campaign, which launches this month, aims to encourage youths tempted by gang lifestyles to instead consider turning to football, or American football, as an alternative. Not wanting to set the bar too high though, Snoop said “I hope this proves I do other things than go to jail, smoke weed and go back to jail.” Baby steps eh Snoop?

Gameweek 22 – ‘I Am Champion’

Woot woot, happy Monday everyone and the Premier League table continues to evolve into one of the most interesting for some time with Manchester United once again sitting pretty at the top after a simply breath-taking showing late Saturday afternoon against the hapless Newcastle. By now I’m sure everyone’s seen or heard about it so I won’t waste your time waxing lyrical, but suffice to say they look better equipped than even 1999 to mount a serious Treble challenge at the moment. Arsenal’s slip up against Birmingham meanwhile lets the moderately entertaining Chelsea back into the frame after they played Spurs off the park at Stamford Bridge. Liverpool needed Fernando Torres to save them yet again after they were dismal at the Roverside, allowing Everton and Aston Villa to mount more pressure on them for the final European qualification spot.

Down at the other end of the table, good wins for Wigan and Sunderland improved their chances of staying afloat, while Derby, Bolton and Fulham look in real danger due to squads that simply are not good enough to compete week in, week out at this level…

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Tim Howard (clean sheet and a couple of vital saves late on)

Defence – Stephen Warnock (gave Bolton nothing all game), Joleon Lescott (superb for not the first time this year), Juliano Belletti (another wondergoal from the Brazilian), Rio Ferdinand (pick of the Ferdinands this week as both were on the scoresheet)

Midfield – Christiano Ronaldo (what more is there to say?), Kieran Richardson (was the difference again for Roy Keane’s men), Ashley Young (cracking wingplay and more set-piece perfection)

Up Top – Carlos Tevez (sublime interplay with Rooney and brace for the season), John Carew (excellent display from the big chap), Dean Ashton (starting to look nearly back to his best, despite the hair)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Juliano Belletti unleashes his second samb-astic (samba-tastic?) long range missle of the year -

Nutmeg of the Week – Wayne Rooney on part-time footballer, full-time joke, Jose Enrique at Old Trafford.

Save of the Week – Double save off the line by defender Steven Taylor to show yet again that he seems to be the only one at Newcastle with any idea what’s going on.

Skill of the Week – Shaun Wright-Phillips’ backheel to tee up Anelka for his first shot at goal in a Chelsea shirt, remarkably kept out by Spurs keeper Cerny.

Gaffe of the Week – Shay Given expertly plants his clearance straight into Capaca’s nuts to gift Tevez his first.

Miss of the Week – The normally lethal Eduardo glances his header straight into Taylor’s arms from 4 yards out in a frustrating afternoon at the Emarites.

Coolest Potential Rap Duo (should their careers go down the pan any time soon) of the Week – Little and large Villa gangstas John Carew and Gabriel Agbonlahor could definitely find a niche, with Big John obviously rhyming in his native Norweigan for extra confusion. I can also see Ashley Young guesting with some beatbox shit in the background too, if he can keep stay off the webcam that is…

Speculative Effort of the Week – Kieran Richardson smells his hat-trick and only the bar denies him a 25 yard wondergoal to complete it.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – It’s too hard to say whether Frank’s injured or playing or even dead these days so let’s just say that if he was on, he was great, if not, Chelsea desperately missed his influence.

ASBO of the Week – The sharp-nosed engine room that is Lee Carsley did his best to wreck “most beautiful man in Croatia” Corluka’s leg in a nasty studs up challenge at Goodison.

Supersub of the Week – Big performance by out-of-favour Jason Roberts to win Blackburn the game, caused many problems and sealed victory with a great solo goal.

Sniper-on-the-roof of the Week – Ronaldo took a bullet to the shoulder as he went over Steven’s Taylor’s completely motionless planted leg early in the first half at Old Trafford.

Controversy of the Week – Michael Owen was clearly onside as he slotted the ball past van der Sar in the dying minutes of the goalless first half. Would that have changed the game, or would it have just ended 6 – 1?

Shit Celebration of the Week – SWP celebrates another decent performance with what can only described as a monkey-rave dance. Time to stop playing so much Donkey Kong Country Shauny…

Superhero Audition of the Week – Birmingham skipper Damien Johnson wears a mask to protect his fractured cheekbone. Not the mask though, that would’ve been way cooler.

Slapstick Comedy of the Week – Jeremie Aliadière takes out the linesman in an unforeseen sign of life from the weasel-faced wannabe. Sorry that’s harsh, he looks more like a rat actually.

Rugby Tactic of the Week – The bizarrely tattooed Kevin-Prince Boateng brilliantly brings down Joe Cole with a try-saving tackle on the halfway line. Quite why is not apparent though.

Quote of the Week – “Its important to play the right football, good football” Pearls of wisdom from Carlos Quiroz there, a few other teams could take notice of that mentality….

Hero of the Week – With a frankly staggering 22 goals this season already, of which three formed one of the best hat-tricks in Premier League history on Saturday, Christiano Ronaldo is this week’s hero. In 63 professional matches (for club and country), he has notched up a virtually unprecedented 38 goals. Now if only he stopped cheating…

Banner of the Week – Is he really the answer though?

Zero of the Week – With Liverpool losing further ground on the top 3, after another slice of Torres brilliance saved their blushes on Saturday, and Jurgen Klinsmann waiting in the wings to take over, it has to be Rafa Benitez. I really think that funny little beard might be cursed.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Manchester United’s second half performance was simply a pleasure to watch. I cannot over-estimate how much the scoreline actually flattered Newcastle, as for the first time in Premier League history, they looked comfortably to be heading towards double figures.

Gameweek 10 – ‘Bouncing Back’

Happy Monday everyone, and welcome back to regularly scheduled blogging. Over the last fortnight or so, the STT staff have been taking a well earned break, getting caught up in the excitement of international football, the rugby World Cup and the deciding race in this year’s Formula 1 season. To be honest, the less said about all of these flops, the better, but still huge big ups go out to the rugby lads for a great tournament, and to Lewis Hamilton for a cracking debut season. On the other hand, a large sad face to the whole England football team for literally one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen, hopefully all involved were suitably embarrassed.

Anyways…this weekend saw the first Merseyside derby of the year, a game that sizzled with tension as ever with the red half of the city taking the plaudits due to some slightly suspect refereeing. Elsewhere, Manchester United seem to have found their scoring boots at last, putting 4 past a 9-man Villa side, while Arsenal notched up their eleventh straight win this season to keep them top of the pile.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Antti Niemi (superhuman performance to give the Craven Cottage something to almost get slightly excited about)

Defence –Joleon Lescott (Roberto Carlos-esque levels of rampaging forward to help him put Wednesday’s nightmare performance behind him), Alex (commanding defensive effort and a wondergoal to prove that he’s a real Brazilian), Glen Johnson (continuing his excellent start to the season with a lovely individual goal, his first in over 3 years), George McCartney (great performance from yet another promising young British Hammer)

Midfield – Gabriel Agbonlahor (was this week’s pick from the ever-impressive and depressingly young Villa front six), Alexander Hleb (confident performance full of beautiful dribbling skills), Elano (another game, another goal, and again, by far the best player on the pitch)

Up Top – Kenwyne Jones (once again a constant threat, and superb in the air), Wayne Rooney (realistically should’ve bagged four), Benni McCarthy (oozed class in an all-round superlative display from the vastly underrated Blackburn side)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Too close to call between Tugay’s thunderbolt and Alex’s super sweet freekick, so joint-kudos.

Save of the Week – Rob Green goes full length to deny a great snapshot from Leadbitter.

Skill of the Week – Gary O’Neil sliding the ball past one side on Ferreira and collecting it on the other, a feat so devious that the Portuguese international panicked and just fell over.

Attempt of the Week – The Yak lashes an exocet missle from 25 yards just wide of Pepe Reina’s post in the Merseyside derby.

Wrestling Move of the Week – Attempted flying dropkick from Dirk Kuyt on the least good looking of the Neville brothers. Shame he didn’t connect.

Shin of the Week – Rio Ferdinand almost fails to hit the target from 5 yards for Man United’s third at Villa Park.

Quote of the Week – “It was a true connection, the keeper had no chance”…Rio talks up his first (presumably of many) goal of the season. No doubt by the end of the week it’ll have transformed into a 40 yard bicycle kick.

Gaffe of the Week – Sami Hyypia expertly slots the ball into the top corner, unfortunately at the wrong end.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – In a display was exuded quality, the midfield maestro delivered an inch perfect 4 yard pass to tee up Alex’s cracking freekick at the Riverside.

Best Tag Team/Potential-Rap-Duo-If-Their-Careers-Go-Down-the-Pan-Anytime-Soon of the Week – Benni McCarthy and Roque Santa Cruz; I can see Roque dropping some clichéd Latino raps while Benni does a dope Flavor Flav thing in the background.

Biblical Sacrifice of the Week – Phil Neville falls on his sword in the last minute at Goodison to give Torrette-tastic Tim Howard a chance to save a draw. Jesus/Abraham would’ve been proud. His brother Gary, not so much.

Nickname of the Week – Robbie Savage having the audacity to call Tugay ‘Worzel Gummidge’…presumably mirrors don’t exist in the Savage household…

Bribe of the Week – Stevie Gerrard offers Mark Clattenburg a quick squeeze of his girlfriend’s norks in exchange for changing Hibbert’s yellow card into a red at Goodison Park.

Spaz of the Week – Adebayor reminds everyone that intrinsically he is actually pretty rubbish, by rounding the keeper and instead of slotting into the open goal, deciding to fall over and produce some truly bizarre break-dancing moves.

ASBO of the Week – Housewives favourite Paul Koncheskey destroys Craig Fagan with a elbow to the face that even a bouncer at Yates’ would be proud of.

Most amusing contribution of the Week – Looking for his first goal for the club, Julius Aghahowa jogs on as a late substitute for Wigan, and then before he actually touches the ball, manages to get booked and cracked full in the face by a freekick. Bet he’s glad he broke into the team.

Hero of the Week – Robbie Savage. Just generally.

Zero of the Week – Mark Clattenburg for getting almost every big decision in the Merseyside derby wrong. And for permanently looking like a pubescent boy that’s just been caught by his parents ‘massaging’ himself.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Not football I know, but I simply have to go for seeing those two BMW pit mechanics being accidently run over by their driver in the Brazilian GP. You can’t buy that.

Gameweek 5–Zat's the way uh-huhuh-huh I like it

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