Take Irish Footballers. Place in Scotland. Add Tennets.

The Scottish Premier League started this past weekend, and with it came the inevitable first fight between players and fans of the season. Out celebrating their win over local rivals St. Mirren, Celtic stars Darren O'Dea, Aiden McGeady and Scott Brown found themselves in a spot of bother outside the trendy Bamboo club in Glasgow city centre. Irish defender Darren O’Dea was taken away in handcuffs and fined for breach of the peace after the late-night street brawl, while McGeady and Brown were also attacked by drunken yobs. This incident comes just months after McGeady clashed with Rangers fans outside the same nightclub.

Trouble flared outside in the early hours of Monday after Ireland winger McGeady, 22, was attacked. An innocent bystander slurred said:

‘Thaur was a wee bit o bother a-brewing fer most of the night, ken. All the playaz was scooping Buckie, scribblin’ their names fer the wee jakeys an standin’ tall fer pic-chas, an were havin a reet braw time. Muckle lads were windin’ them up, but as the neet went on, it started tae get well mingin’. Guys was givin’ the playaz peltas and abusing’ them. Thaur was a wee contretemps an it looked like Broon was smacked up the heid afore the booncas got stuck in. The playas started tae nash, but as young McGeady got outside, he were set upon by a bunch of NEDs. O’Dea got reet involved in the pagga afore the polis turned up. The place were crawlin’ wi’ rozzas an they was nattering’ fo statements off of folk.

Another wasted eyewitness offered this amazingly detailed account:

‘Young McGeady, Broon an O’Dea were at the doorway, lookin’ like they was waitin’ fer a taxi. Broon looked bonnie smashed and instead o’ waitin’ a couple of secs til things chilled oot, he scrambled awa the railings an staggered intae the street where a cab pulled up. One fella ran forward an battered him in the back of the heid, Broon staggad forward an got hoyed above the eye from another cunt. His eye looked affy sliced. Young McGeady were standin’ at the door, looking’ like he were fixin’ tae greet.’

The Celtic players had been at a beach party at Bamboo, which awesomely featured clubbers in bikinis, Hawaiian shorts and flower garlands. The official party line from a Celtic spokesman was that the club's players had been the victims of an unprovoked attack, and the club will of course co-operate fully with the Filth’s inquiry.