It’s Not About Faces, Just Races

Anyone that knows me knows that I really aspire to be part of the ‘cool’ crowd that goes to Faces and Movida more than I actually care about being a footballer, and this story underlines just exactly why. Not only do loads of Big Brother wasters frequent the clubs in the vain hope that someone of slight ethnicity might accidently trip and knock them up, page 3 models genuinely fight over you, even if you’re a pint-sized loser like Jermain Defoe. Now the underwhelming Portsmouth striker has somehow managed to date both Charlotte Mears and Danielle Lloyd in recent years, and he clearly had such a penetrating effect on them that even when he isn’t around, they lock horns. Last night, out at Essex hot-spot Faces, the busty brain-donors flexed their (kegel) muscles by trying to one-up each other by pulling increasingly blacker and thus more ‘street’ guys. As you can see, Charlotte Mears went home very happy, although whether that guy will still be there this morning is highly unlikely.

Also in attendance was Jo Beckham, D. Beck’s long-suffering sister, accompanied by some other absolute swamp monster. I think Ms Beckham is the one of the right but I just can’t bring myself to look at the photo long enough to know for certain; my eyes have always treated me pretty well so it would be quite vindictive of me to put them through that shock trauma any longer than absolutely necessary.