Orangeboom

Here at STT we rather like Petr Cech. Apart from being one of the best goalkeepers in history, he is pretty much indestructible, capable we hear of surviving 30-storey falls and being repeatedly set on fire. Thing is though, he’s also quite bright, and not just in comparison to Joe Cole. It comes as no surprise then that recently he has been working with some weird people called ‘scientists’ to help in his quest to be literally unbeatable between the posts for Chelsea. Afters hours of research and clinical trials, Cech has finally found his secret weapon, and hopefully, strikers’ kryptonite: an orange shirt.

“Studies say the orange colour spreads the most when the striker attacks, in the split of a second as he focuses,” said Cech knowledgably, “this colour is like a sort of alarm or alert which really spreads and is very difficult to avoid, so this should be good for me.” In layman’s terms then, ‘science’ has proved that an orange shirt will distract players more when shooting for goal, and Cech test-drove the world-shaking innovation in Chelsea's crucial title showdown against Bolton on Sunday, although it didn't stop Matty Taylor nutmegging him.

Cech is almost certain to use the new kit against Manchester United in the Champions League final, hoping to give them any extra advantage possible in their quest for that elusive first European Cup success. Despite fears that the colour might clash with Manchester United’s red shirts, a UEFA spokesman told us today that “Chelsea's goalkeeper jersey for the Champions League final match will be fluorescent orange. The reserve jersey will be dark grey. The referee of the game always has the final word regarding the jersey, therefore it is impossible to say today which jersey Chelsea's goalkeeper will be wearing in Moscow.” So that’s nice and clear then.

Those of you with keen memories will no doubt have a sense of déjà vu about this fancy new ‘science,’ as awesome Mexican goalkeeper Jorge Campos famously used to design his own eccentric jerseys in the 1990s with the primary aim of distracting the opposition. His kaleidoscope-style modern art masterpieces were much much cooler though, and as a result his rise to the status of ‘cult hero’ was meteoric to say the least.

Top 10 Nasty Kits

10. Chelsea Away 2007-08

As the Stamford Bridge faithful rush to Sunglasses Hut, we at STT consider the more eccentric football kits of recent decades. Surprisingly this terrible new Chelsea effort only just makes the top ten worst strips of all time. In fact Chelsea's lollipop lady-esque number appears rather tasteful compared to the rest of our list, and only actually makes it in the countdown because of the sheer number of pikey kids currently roaming around London looking for trouble, permanently wearing this fluorescent abortion.

9. Oxford United 1992-93

Looks like a magic eye picture randomly generated on a 1988 Spectrum computer, and probably is.

8. Birmingham City 1992-93

What was it about the 1992-93 season? Again presumably the product of badly designed computer programming, this one looks like something a toddler might draw on Microsoft Paint. Count yourselves lucky that there's no better picture of this monstrosity on the internet.

7. Bristol City 1996-97

Lime green and purple? Nuff said.

6. Mexico Goalkeepers Kit 1994

5. Any other Jorge Campos Kit 1988-2003

Jorge Campos appears to have had a real penchant for horror kits, either that or he just used to lose a lot of bets. Anyways, the eccentric Mexican, who almost certainly used to get dressed in the dark, almost deserves his own competition. As such, we didn’t feel like we could really leave any of these out, so Campos makes the list at both five and six with these two efforts that look like someone’s swallowed a load of highlighter pens and been sick.

4 Coventry City 1976

I’ve always said that brown was the perfect complimentry colour for a ginger ‘fro, short shorts and a pained expression.

3. Sevilla 3rd kit 2004-05

Really, really conspicuous…and not at all gay. Muy muy macho!

2. Hull City 1992-93

Grrrrrrr.....Another classic from the golden age of shit football kits. Looks like a Scouse hooker’s hand me down leggings. Handy if the team ever got stranded in the jungle though.

1. NASL Colorado Caribou 1978

A brown and tan kit, including a strip of leather across the chest and tassels. Perhaps proof that the beautiful game was never meant to be played in the USA. As far as bad kits go though, surely any football shirt that actually incorporates cowboy ‘fashion’ simply has to be number 1?

Think you’ve been unfortunate enough to see any worse kits than these? If so, send them in to STT at the usual address and we will try to run a follow up piece in the near future... sniffingtt@hotmail.com