“But He Called My Son a Nonce!”

Ok I’ll just get the shit pun out of the way now: two teammates from Hull City brawled with each other in a casino last week, “like snarling animals.” Hull are of course nicknamed the Tigers. Tigers snarl, and also behave like animals. Sometimes I despair.

Anyway, the on-loan star Marlon King is said to have head-butted fellow striker (and STT messiah) Dean Windass in a rumble that ended with the pair having to be pulled apart by other Hull players. Windass was left with a bloody nose, and King reportedly insulted the staff before bizarrely pretending his £19,000 watch had been stolen. And where did all this go down you might ask? Well the epicentre of all things cultural and decadent, Scarborough’s Opera House Casino.

A mysterious tipster said the barney followed “weeks of simmering tension” between the two, as the aging Windass got more and more pissed off that King was starting ahead of him, despite promises being made to him in the off-season that he would feature in the Premier League. An actual eye-witness said: “Windass appeared to say something to King that had him raging like a bull. King was shouting, ‘You bastard. Wait until I tell my boy what you said.’” Windass then reportedly shouted back: “It was a joke. You know fuck all about anything.” Sounds pretty exciting doesn’t it folks?

As things started to get a bit tasty, “blood and drinks were sent flying,” the witness said. “It was embarrassing. They were like snarling animals.” Team-mates eventually pulled the pair apart and the players were allowed to stay after promising there would be no more trouble. This was when King then tried to pretend his expensive watch had been pinched, even though: “staff clearly saw him put it in his own pocket,” according to this anonymous font of knowledge. Richard Koval-Meth, gaming manager of the casino in North Yorks, offered this concise summation: “There was a fracas, but it only lasted a minute or two.” He also confirmed that the missing watch was luckily found in King’s pocket.

Other fights we’d like to see: John Hartson vs Duncan Ferguson (weapons free), Ashley Cole vs Theo Woolcott, Robbie Savage vs David Ginola, Joey Barton vs A Rabid Bear, and finally, Cheryl Tweedy vs A Strip-club Pole

Top 10 Nasty Kits

10. Chelsea Away 2007-08

As the Stamford Bridge faithful rush to Sunglasses Hut, we at STT consider the more eccentric football kits of recent decades. Surprisingly this terrible new Chelsea effort only just makes the top ten worst strips of all time. In fact Chelsea's lollipop lady-esque number appears rather tasteful compared to the rest of our list, and only actually makes it in the countdown because of the sheer number of pikey kids currently roaming around London looking for trouble, permanently wearing this fluorescent abortion.

9. Oxford United 1992-93

Looks like a magic eye picture randomly generated on a 1988 Spectrum computer, and probably is.

8. Birmingham City 1992-93

What was it about the 1992-93 season? Again presumably the product of badly designed computer programming, this one looks like something a toddler might draw on Microsoft Paint. Count yourselves lucky that there's no better picture of this monstrosity on the internet.

7. Bristol City 1996-97

Lime green and purple? Nuff said.

6. Mexico Goalkeepers Kit 1994

5. Any other Jorge Campos Kit 1988-2003

Jorge Campos appears to have had a real penchant for horror kits, either that or he just used to lose a lot of bets. Anyways, the eccentric Mexican, who almost certainly used to get dressed in the dark, almost deserves his own competition. As such, we didn’t feel like we could really leave any of these out, so Campos makes the list at both five and six with these two efforts that look like someone’s swallowed a load of highlighter pens and been sick.

4 Coventry City 1976

I’ve always said that brown was the perfect complimentry colour for a ginger ‘fro, short shorts and a pained expression.

3. Sevilla 3rd kit 2004-05

Really, really conspicuous…and not at all gay. Muy muy macho!

2. Hull City 1992-93

Grrrrrrr.....Another classic from the golden age of shit football kits. Looks like a Scouse hooker’s hand me down leggings. Handy if the team ever got stranded in the jungle though.

1. NASL Colorado Caribou 1978

A brown and tan kit, including a strip of leather across the chest and tassels. Perhaps proof that the beautiful game was never meant to be played in the USA. As far as bad kits go though, surely any football shirt that actually incorporates cowboy ‘fashion’ simply has to be number 1?

Think you’ve been unfortunate enough to see any worse kits than these? If so, send them in to STT at the usual address and we will try to run a follow up piece in the near future... sniffingtt@hotmail.com